Deepavali is coming. Aware aren't you? Now we have a reason to club with an excuse and an excuse to reason why we club. The time to get piss drunk carefree only to wake up and say "I will never drink this shit again next Deepavali". Times where dramas unfold, family ties strengthen and friends are what it's all about. The sweet smell of festive season. I am loving it. More importantly for me, this is the last Deepavali I will get to spend as a kid before I go in for my two years imprisonment. Army that is.
If you're planning to invite me over, tell me in advance so that I won't have to play the role of 'Avvai Shanmughi' for a different reason. All so that I will keep that specific time slot free. And yea, inviting me weeks before hand alone doesn't do the trick. You've gotta consistently keep reminding me. Am getting old, get it? And just before you think of inviting me, bear in mind it takes more than what you think to bring praba home. See, there are certain traditional values you need to upkeep to lure me into your homes. I carry along years of experience visiting houses on deepavali. I will not step into a trap no more. So, here are the rules:
1) You do NOT stay in yishun. Not even within 5km radius of yishun. No kharthib, no sembawang, no admiralty, no chong pang, no ping pong and no sing song. Clear?
2) You've gotta have a hot sister. I don't wanna see your overfed buffalo of a brother staring at my food when I am eating. And make sure it's her, and only her, who attends to all my needs in my short period of stay. If you're sister ain't hot, do something about it. No sister at all? Rent one.
3) Do NOT invite someone, who thrash-talks and laughs at his own jokes while his briyani spills grain by grain onto my cup of soft drink, at the same time as me. My deepavali resolution for this year is to carry along a parang to every house I visit. Ensure you don't see red liquid spilling on your floor tiles.
4) Keep all dogs/cats/zebras/giraffes/antelopes AWAY from me. I do not wish to encounter a situation whereby your dog starts humping/biting/scratching or licking my ass. Last year's deepavali resolution was to carry a shotgun so as to shoot anything, with less than 5 senses, molesting me. So if your pet is that much loved, keep it in your bank locker for a day.
5) Do NOT invite people, who cannot hold their alcohol/beer/ginger beer/root beer/wine or jolly shandy, at the same time as me. I have low tolerance for people who vomit within 5om radius of me. Deepavali 2004 - I was made to carry a trash bag for uncles who turned into merlions. Only difference was that they emitted out vomit. This year the only bag I'll carry is a bomb bag. Beware.
6) Please make sure your parents are conservative. On days like this, I like it old school. No one likes modern parents who think inviting someone over offering them food and stopping right there is the 'in' thing. Where's the bundle of joy wrapped in green paper? Trust me, I'll see red if I don't see green. (Just in case you're lost, green paper is the green packet or like the chinese say 'hung pao')
7) Make sure your parents are conservative but not that conservative. See, we live in a modern world where prices are rising. No longer do 2 dollar notes do the trick. A pack of marlboro reds costs $11.50 you know? So please ensure I see something red in the green rather than something green/purple or even worse, gold, in the green. You got the message?
8) I is a die hard Pineapple Tart lover. Or illustriously known as 'Kuih Tart'. Make sure I see ample of em'. And while I am busily munching on the tarts, keep miles away from me that 3/4/5/6 year old brother/sister/cousin, who gives me that "I didn't get to eat the pineapple tart you know?" kinda look.
All's said and done. I've seen it all on festive seasons. Scenarios ranging from "oh my lord" to "OH MY LORD!" So do me a favour. Gimme a splendid deepavali this year. This year, I is extending the invitation to all who wanna come over to my place. Whether or not I know you or you know me, who cares. Just come over, feast your stomach and enjoy while I'm still nice. Friends/relatives/strangers/enemies/dogs/cats/kittens all are welcomed. Do not be hesitant. And just in case you do not know how to get to me, prabadiouf@hotmail.com is the answer. And just so that you know, my parents are extremely modern in this. Let's see if you've got the message right. And to all reading this, as quickly as I can before my memory fails me again, have a splendid Deepavali when it comes around.
Editor:
As part of KLKillahs efforts to bring to you the best of the local scene. We also have come across some products, that might be of great interest. If you are in the habit of gift-giving or would just like to spice up your home this festive season with some tasteful deco, proceed to access our Deepavali Deco Bazaar.
Profits from the sale of these decorative items will be used to fund a charity project that the KLKillahs will inform you of in the weeks to come.
If you're planning to invite me over, tell me in advance so that I won't have to play the role of 'Avvai Shanmughi' for a different reason. All so that I will keep that specific time slot free. And yea, inviting me weeks before hand alone doesn't do the trick. You've gotta consistently keep reminding me. Am getting old, get it? And just before you think of inviting me, bear in mind it takes more than what you think to bring praba home. See, there are certain traditional values you need to upkeep to lure me into your homes. I carry along years of experience visiting houses on deepavali. I will not step into a trap no more. So, here are the rules:
1) You do NOT stay in yishun. Not even within 5km radius of yishun. No kharthib, no sembawang, no admiralty, no chong pang, no ping pong and no sing song. Clear?
2) You've gotta have a hot sister. I don't wanna see your overfed buffalo of a brother staring at my food when I am eating. And make sure it's her, and only her, who attends to all my needs in my short period of stay. If you're sister ain't hot, do something about it. No sister at all? Rent one.
3) Do NOT invite someone, who thrash-talks and laughs at his own jokes while his briyani spills grain by grain onto my cup of soft drink, at the same time as me. My deepavali resolution for this year is to carry along a parang to every house I visit. Ensure you don't see red liquid spilling on your floor tiles.
4) Keep all dogs/cats/zebras/giraffes/antelopes AWAY from me. I do not wish to encounter a situation whereby your dog starts humping/biting/scratching or licking my ass. Last year's deepavali resolution was to carry a shotgun so as to shoot anything, with less than 5 senses, molesting me. So if your pet is that much loved, keep it in your bank locker for a day.
5) Do NOT invite people, who cannot hold their alcohol/beer/ginger beer/root beer/wine or jolly shandy, at the same time as me. I have low tolerance for people who vomit within 5om radius of me. Deepavali 2004 - I was made to carry a trash bag for uncles who turned into merlions. Only difference was that they emitted out vomit. This year the only bag I'll carry is a bomb bag. Beware.
6) Please make sure your parents are conservative. On days like this, I like it old school. No one likes modern parents who think inviting someone over offering them food and stopping right there is the 'in' thing. Where's the bundle of joy wrapped in green paper? Trust me, I'll see red if I don't see green. (Just in case you're lost, green paper is the green packet or like the chinese say 'hung pao')
7) Make sure your parents are conservative but not that conservative. See, we live in a modern world where prices are rising. No longer do 2 dollar notes do the trick. A pack of marlboro reds costs $11.50 you know? So please ensure I see something red in the green rather than something green/purple or even worse, gold, in the green. You got the message?
8) I is a die hard Pineapple Tart lover. Or illustriously known as 'Kuih Tart'. Make sure I see ample of em'. And while I am busily munching on the tarts, keep miles away from me that 3/4/5/6 year old brother/sister/cousin, who gives me that "I didn't get to eat the pineapple tart you know?" kinda look.
All's said and done. I've seen it all on festive seasons. Scenarios ranging from "oh my lord" to "OH MY LORD!" So do me a favour. Gimme a splendid deepavali this year. This year, I is extending the invitation to all who wanna come over to my place. Whether or not I know you or you know me, who cares. Just come over, feast your stomach and enjoy while I'm still nice. Friends/relatives/strangers/enemies/dogs/cats/kittens all are welcomed. Do not be hesitant. And just in case you do not know how to get to me, prabadiouf@hotmail.com is the answer. And just so that you know, my parents are extremely modern in this. Let's see if you've got the message right. And to all reading this, as quickly as I can before my memory fails me again, have a splendid Deepavali when it comes around.
Editor:
As part of KLKillahs efforts to bring to you the best of the local scene. We also have come across some products, that might be of great interest. If you are in the habit of gift-giving or would just like to spice up your home this festive season with some tasteful deco, proceed to access our Deepavali Deco Bazaar.
Profits from the sale of these decorative items will be used to fund a charity project that the KLKillahs will inform you of in the weeks to come.
4 comments:
bro, a pack of Marlboro costs $11.20....not $11.50...keep smoking..
Oops. My bad. Usually I smoke viceroy/malaysian packs only mah so ain't that sure bout malboro prices. Only times like deepavali that I get to smoke solid stuff.
All the way from Adelaide, Australia, you are hell funny dude.
I appreciate that, thank you.
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