Thursday, November 30, 2006


If you're wondering where our KLKillah mascots [Yogi and Oldie flippin the bird] have mysteriously vanished to, the only logical explanation for that is that someone's fingers got a little too itchy.

ah_neh in another of his miscreant episodes managed to mangle the template for this site so bad, the mess in the aftermath resembled Margaret Thatcher on a bad hair day. Still, using minimum intelligence we're back albeit with a less classier look.

Expect tagboard, polls, links and downloads to remain off the screens for a few more days while we hunt around for a suitable replacement or a suitable HTMLexiconist to aid us in the revival.

On another note, KLKillahs is introducing a new initiative whereby Nal will intrigue us with her latest finds after trawling through the Yindian blogosphere. It will be called "The N-Word", inspired by the now defunct and hopefully extinct Kramer from Seinfeld. We welcome you to flag up any relevant site or blog worthy of being on our "Best of the Week" column. E-mail your suggestions to . We'll reply if we like you enough.

KLK: WTH happened to the page man!
ME: I kinda fucked it up. Optical mouse issues.
KLK: You deleted stuff and couldn't get it back?
ME: Worse, I decided to save and republish while at it.
KLK: Mada Sambrani.
ME: Point taken. Can we move on now?

Monday, November 27, 2006

Chrissy Cheer

We're starting Christmas a month early here. Just like how we visit the pawnshop a month before Diwali in order to satisfy the "ang pow" cravings of the little brats who visit our homes.

Some quips in American Aussie context, still a good laugh lies ahead.

12 Cricket Ball Tamperers
11 Syllable Names
10 Minute Yoga
9 Telemarketers
8 Bollywood Films
7 ELEVEN Workers
6 IT Graduates
5 Indian Games
4 Hare Krishnas
3 Butter Chickens
2 Nosy In-Laws



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Sunday, November 26, 2006


We think we've got too serious in recent posts so we're gonna try and take the piss out of it all. Actually, we have no idea what serious means. Our paid by the hour ghost writers fill us in on the minor details most of the time. Them and the 12 monkeys we have hitting keys at random.

An apt reminder of how your drunk ass weekend ought to have felt like. It's always a fun "who drank what" guessing game on lazy Sundays. Stolen from a chain e-mail [sparingly edited] and inspired by the evolution of Stout [now with ginseng added for that extra oomph!]. What next? Thulasi leaves in Tiger

No pain. No real feeling of illness. You slept in your own bed and when you woke up there were no stolen No Entry signs in there with you. You are still able to function relatively well on the energy stored up from all those vodka and Red Bulls. However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as parched as the Sahara. Even vegetarians are craving a Shakuntala's buffet, scalding Mysore Mutton and all.

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of "Ghajini". The coffee you hug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a Mac Dees Big Breakfast. Although you have a nice demeanor about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is some light filing, followed by aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk chain e-mails.

Slight headache. Stomach feels crap. You are definitely a space cadet and not so productive. Anytime a girl or lad walks by you gag because the Hamam soap and Parachute oil smell reminds you of the random tequila shots you did with your KLKudikaaran friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 3:45 am. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with "dua telur satu kosong" pratas and a litre of mango lassi watching Vanakkam Tamizhagam. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 6 Panadols and a litre of liquid yet you haven't peed once.

You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might spew. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but you smell of socks, and you can't hide the fact that you (depending on your gender) either missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, or, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the dodgems.

Your teeth have their own individual sweaters. Your eyes look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from a Primary 2 class circa 1976. You would give up a weeks pay for one of the following - "Rest In Bunk / Attend C" time, a bloody steak burger and somewhere to be alone, or a Time Machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before. You scare small children in the street just by walking past them.

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits next to you. Vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that would take the last drop of moisture left in your body.

Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is breathe...very gently.

You arrive home and climb into bed. Sleep comes instantly, as you were fighting it all the way home in the taxi. You get about 2 hours sleep until the noises inside your head wake you up. You notice that your bed has been cleared for take off and is flying relentlessly around the room. No matter what you do you now, you're going to chuck. You stumble out of bed and now find that your room is in a yacht under full sail. After walking along the skirting boards on alternating walls knocking off all the pictures, you find the toilet. If you are lucky you will remember to lift the lid before you spontaneously explode and wake the whole house up with your impersonation of walrus mating calls.

You sit there on the floor in your undies, cuddling the only friend in the world you have left (the toilet bowl), randomly continuing to make the walrus noises, spitting, and farting. Help usually comes at this stage, even if it is short lived. Tears stream down your face and your abdomen hurts. Help now turns into abuse and he/she usually goes back to bed leaving you there in the dark. With your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous eruptions have died back to 15-minute intervals, but your body won't relent. You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourself inside out and swear that you saw your tonsils shoot out of your mouth on the last occasion.

It is now dawn and you pass your disgusted partner getting up for the day as you try to climb into bed. She/he abuses you again for trying to get into bed with lumpy bits of dried vomit in your hair. You reluctantly accept their advice and have a shower in exchange for them driving you to the hospital. Work is simply not an option. The whole day is spent trying to avoid anything that might make you sick again, like moving. You vow never to touch a drop again and who knows for the next two or three hours at least you might even succeed.

*Thanni thoti thedi vantha kannu kutti naan plays throughout this debacle between you and your inner Anniyan*

Did I happen to mention that no matter which of these hangovers you manage to qualify for, you're always thankful you're alive. Especially after speeding home at 120 km/h in your Lancer on the deserted CTE after walking out of an after-hours club and getting slapped in the face by our mutual friend, Mack Daddy Surya Bhagvan. Trust me you, it's the shittiest pheeling in the world.

Credit: Praba for input.

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Thursday, November 23, 2006

Stand Up KLKomedians

We've always wondered. Will a pure Indian / Tamil comedy club work in Singapore? For example, would you pay $40 minimum to walk into a joint, be served finger food and a drink and then spend the next hour or more hearing yourself, your lifestyle, your intelligence or your race being insulted?

Comedians work in different ways. Some do political comedy, works with dissing Bush in the States and works with dissing gahmen policies in Singapore. Some do "pick an audience member and go at him". That works most of the time especially when you can pick out someone who is clearly different racially or physically from the rest of them.

However, since the late 80s a certain formula also has proven to be jackpot. Where comedians make fun of their own race. Eddie Murphy, Chris Rock, Bernie Mac and other comedic greats all got away regularly with pointing out the nuances and quirky lifestyles of their Black people and entertaining the masses while they were at it. Newest entrant in this market would be Russell Peters, who with humour cracks the invisible wall between Caucasians and understanding Indian accents and their "weird" Yindian ways.

Looking at Yindian comedy in Singapore these days, it has meandered towards standard "I jack you, you jack me" routines on stage and classy yet not so "in your face" skits on commercial programmes. Where, Black comedians can spout out "nigga", "motherfucker" and "ho" with regularity and are met with applause rather than rotten tomatoes, will it work here? Can you fathom Elamaran or Vadivalagan hosting a stand up gig at a comedy club, imparting to you what they REALLY think of "kelings"? Or is this just another ripe opportunity for half finished Chivas bottles to be fling - flung?

Granting creative license and having the good common sense to appreciate self-deprecating humour aside, some comics still do cross the line. Thing is, will you recognize it when they do, or would you still think it was part of the act?

Seinfeld's Michael Richards [Kramer] found out the hard way but paid quite little in lieu of his errors [public apology]. Even in peaceful, squeaky clean Singapore, we'd have our money not on "Well, thank you for being sweet enough to apologize" but "Off with the mofo's head!".

The tirade:

The apology:

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Tuesday, November 21, 2006


We're soo not morning people. You'll see why in an instant.

Firstly, results of the mini "who really gives a fuck about your sexual appetite" poll on who turns YOU on:

As expected, Asin kinda blasts ahead of the competition. Being one of those who can't even recognize some famed Kollywood director if placed beside him on the train, I can imagine why the sweet girl next door would be most popular. She's the only name other than Trisha and Jyothika I recognize. So it isn't about the meat at all isn't it?

Namitha! Namitha! Sorry, we just have this thing for B grade film stars. A rags to riches, support the underdog fetish of ours.

Next, although it is our desire that everyone is as broad minded as the egoistical bastards we are, we have succumbed to the pressures of being politically correct. Not in our content at least. Still we offer a helping hand to those of youse who'd like to introduce this fine site to friend and foe but hesitate mainly due to the "keling" in the URL. We feel your pain, no seriously we did, like in that 5 seconds between finishing our beer and popping the cap of the next Stella Artois.

Problem solved. and are now owned by the KLKillahs and have auto re-direct scripts installed to send all of you back here anyway. Have a click at them. Credit: Ugra Chandi for his know-how.

Now, that we're done with the acronyms, we'll be working on other yinteresting freebies for loyal KLKlanites. Watch out for that in the coming weeks.

Monday, November 20, 2006

Power to the Kidugaan

After the rip roaring success of the second instalment of the Kalinga Trilogy, KLKillahs felt it is only apt to recognize a talent who has been in the scene for quite a bit and has never failed to put on a good show when needed.

In fact, his quirky comic infused style in order to put across valid and relevant social issues is one of a kind. The KLKillahs tries also to borrow his style in some ways by making humour the base of most of our posts.

Understanding the digital world today, he has in fact uploaded onto YouTube a few of his skits that are all tabled under the "Power to the Kidugaan" series. You might have remembered them, you might not have, it don't matter. Just watch each and every clip [in Tamil] and comprehend that there is no need to copy off a tried-and-tested American formula, there is no need to resort to high wire antics, there is no need to treat the audience like they are blathering idiots; talent is talent is talent.

Big up to

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Sunday, November 19, 2006

Trackback - Culturepush

Culturepush publishes unique, under the radar events happening in Singapore and the region, hand picked to extend your cultural options every week. Broadcast [where we spotted the name of our fine site] is the companion blog of Culturepush and it flags up reviews and coverage of arts events in recent times.

Thanks for the link blokes!

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Saturday, November 18, 2006

Bus Ride Blues

Hot on the heels of lack of minority representation on ATM consoles, comes the spotlight on TV Mobile, a service we can't ignore whenever we step onto a bus even for a few stops. A disillusioned member of the KLKlan writes in to state her discontent:

As a concerned citizen of the society who takes public transport regularly for lack of the luxury of being chauffeured around, i propose that SBS Transit put up the following notice on all their buses installed with the devil's spawn: TV Mobile.

Hello. welcome to SBS Transit. Your "used to be friendly until we installed TV Mobile" local bus operators. We hope you have a pleasant journey with us. We also hope you enjoy the annoying broadcasts we have lined up for you on TV Mobile, available in 2 out of the 4 official languages of Singapore. English and yes, Chinese. For the rest of you poor souls who were so unfortunate that you had to be born as a non - Chinese speaking individual. tough luck. Being the minority does not entitle you to the privilege of enjoying TV Mobile shows in your mother tongue. So please, bear with us for catering to only the majority population. If you find that difficult, please either take up mandarin language courses, or alight and take either a cab or an SMRT bus. thank you for your kind understanding that it is in our nature to sideline and marginalize certain groups of this society.

P.S. Feel free to write in to ST forum if you wish. but rest assured that we will delay in responding to your queries and also try our level best to ensure that we still do not include minority language programs.

Is it just me or is SBS transit showing a blatant disregard for the minority groups in Singapore by ignoring the discomfort, pain, suffering and overall unhappiness of these people when forced to watch mindless Chinese and Korean variety shows on the extremely pixelated and unstable TV Mobile?

Is it any wonder than that we'd rather pay ridiculous amounts in road tax, bid for exorbitant COE rates, and pay handsomely for a moderate to average car than to undertake the hazardous and highly nerve-wrecking experience of taking public transport? And since when are there more Koreans than Indians or Malays in this little red dot?

Ever since the introduction of TV Mobile into SBS Transit buses, life for me as a commuter has been nothing short of miserable. i have been force fed Chinese variety shows, breakfast shows, MTVs and commercials. Dude, if i were that inclined towards these programmes, i'd watch channel 8 or channel U. Is it any wonder then that foreigners ignorantly sometimes go "Singapore? That;s a part of China right?".

You claim that English is the lingua franca of the country. and yet you insist on televising Chinese drama serials on TV Mobile. well if you really think that the Chinese aunties and uncles will die from the barrage of English flooding their poor sensitive "mandarin only" ears, then what about our Malay and Indian aunties and uncles? You think they like having to tolerate listening to English constantly attacking their hearing? I'm sure as hell they don't appreciate it. And then what do you insensitive imbeciles do, but add mandarin gibberish to their agony. It's like rubbing salt on an open wound no?

All i'm saying is if you're not going to cater to the minority groups by giving air time for Malay and Tamil programs. then please be considerate and save us the horror of sitting through Chinese and Korean shows.

If you're gonna torture us. then at least keep it to English which is more universal and less bewildering. And if you insist on further damaging our already short sighted population by unleashing flickering screens and pixelated images. at least make sure you have a large variety of programs to keep us sufficiently entertained.

i realize that repetition is the way to imprint messages onto the subconscious. But why in heaven's name would anyone want to have Eason Chan's latest concert dates and songs imprinted in their subconscious? Be warned. the next time i have a nightmare of Eason Chan in his tight gay singlet and tatty denims or of Diva on a Dime putting together another tacky outfit, I'm gonna find some grounds to sue SBS Transit for emotional trauma.

Korean variety programs that display giggly, high pitched, and annoying hosts who get retarded contestants to behave in increasingly embarrassing ways are just not my cup of tea, thank you very much. By the way? I don't speak Korean.

You may also be interested to view a Chinese man's response to the furore, HERE.

Disclaimer: Views expressed are of a very impassioned architecture undergraduate and are not wholly representative of the views of the KLKillahs. Read with objectiveness and not regard this as a promotion of racial disharmony. You may visit the author's own blog HERE.

Friday, November 17, 2006

Cultures - Fact and Fiction Q&A (Part 2)

Hello all, I'm very happy with all of you who asked all sorts of responsible questions. It can be hard when you have to write about something that can be a sensitive topic in so many ways.

There were tons of questions on the board & I apologize if I don't reply to every single one of them, so keep asking and eventually they'd be answered. But as I said, i'm only going to answer 5 questions at each sesh, so voila. Read.

xoxo, Aresha

Q1. Dear Aresha, why do so many ppl hv e misconception that N.Indians are better looking than S.Indians, when we all know tt it ain't true?(Aishwarya Rai is South Indian!) - Confused

Dear Confused,

The magic phrase is "fair and lovely". You'd realise that people usually see North Indians as fair. Did you know that the number 1 selling products in India are whitening products? It's sad I know, but some people in the world have pinned this post-colonialist stereotype that fair = pretty.

I personally hate it when people come up to me and ask what kind of indian I am. Because it really doesn't matter what colour you are.

So yes, be proud of your skin colour, everyone's pretty to someone somewhere. I've seen some really pretty North Indians and some really hideous North Indians - likewise for South Indians. And South Indians have nice noses.

And yes, Aishwarya Rai was born in South India. Good point to make to those that think that all pretty Bollywood stars are north indians and not all the south indian ones are fat like Ramba.

Q2. Why do Chinese and Malays make fun of indians as apu neh neh. Wtf does that mean? - LadyLove

Ladylove, Hahaha. I feel you on this one. It's the same logic with the term "Keling", it's a derogatory slur that's so overtly used that many people think that that's the proper way to refer to an Indian. In my opinion, it's probably lack of awareness on the severity of the term.

Apu Neh Neh probably came about because whoever came up with that thought that the tamil language sounded like repeated ramblings of 'apunehneh'. It's the same as how some people refer to the Chinese being 'Ching Chong'.

I personally feel that there's absolutely no use in using any of it to refer to anybody. And I make it known to many that I HATE being called Apu, but it's tough when people still think its ok and in good jest to libel a friend that way. It's not. So just tell them to not call you that and be firm about it.

Q3. I have read that North Indians were actually nomads from the Middle East who came via the ganges plain and drove South Indians to the South and started living in the North? Is that true? - Nathan

To cut the long story short, it's the Aryans & Dravidians story we learnt in secondary school, where the Aryans were the lighter skinned and the Dravidians were those of dark skin. This is due to the Central-Asian invaders hundreds of years ago such as Greeks, Huns, turks and indo-gangetics.

The Aryans and Dravidians were all barbaric nomads back in the day that spoke different languages. In fact, the Dravidians were also living in early India but were forced to be mainstream or stfu by the Aryans. The Aryans were actually said to be Persians. So when you mix a hot persian-aryan lady with a Manly Central Asian invader, you get Shah Rukh Khan. Derivitive Dravidian languages are spoken by Pakistani, Bangladeshi, Sri Lankans and Nepalese.

So there.

Q4. I still see the m.c hammer-bhangra fusion moves on vasantham variety shows. so 90's!! u sumtimes see it in clubs too. are those dance moves are an innate indian quality or a nurtured one? - Guerrrilla

It's nurtured. For sure. It's not everyone's dying wish to be on Vasantham central at least once doing a lip-sync'ed breakdance. It's just that they show a large percentage of these dancable-klks on the telly, so people all think that once we hear a bangin' choon it will set us all off like a bunch of synchronized dolphins at seaworld.

Most of us don't do the distasteful pelvic-thrusty dances. They do a slightly more tasteful version called the 'chicago'. I'd like someone to tell me where the hell the term 'Chicago' came from because I most definitely don't see Lock Up touring America, much less Chicago. And the people in Chicago don't dance like that. And they're definitely not doing that in Chicago the musical. So yes.

Q5. Why is their hair short at the front but long at the back? Reminds me of horse. Yucks. - TheSariPartyGirl

MULLETS! They're called mullets. And they're not just Indian, they're a GLOBAL phenomenon. Sometimes, you have to remind these blokes that mullets are passe. So's cheaply-bleached/dyed hair. It's really not cool. It's so 1970's David Bowie.

The history and theory behind the mullet is that back in the day, it was a fashion statement for "business in the front, party at the back". I don't know why the hell some guys (not just indian) sport mullets. It's so 70's rock. and 1970 was a good 36 years ago.

The beastie boys actually wrote a song about how disgusting the mullet hair cut is. The song is called 'Mullet Head'.

Some bogan outback roo-burger eating Aussies still sport the mullet. They probably don't have much friends. HAHA!

send your own gripes, stereotypes, stories and misconceptions to or post a question in the comments form below with your strange question about anything and I will save the day with some form of explanation.

If you're wondering where the online form went missing to, well, unfortunately, ye should never rely on a free-to-use site totally. In our case, just got hacked. But keep the questions coming, we're in a preachy and teachy mood.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Fat Fly Fit

KLKillahs chanced upon another rousing legal battle from the sub continent where our roots are. This time the furore is over the sacking of 11 employees from Indian Airlines on the basis that they were too fat to project the desired image of the airline.

Read full story HERE.

In the mean time, mrbrown has taken inspiration from the news feed to come up with his own satirical skit on the issue. Download his podcast entitled "Fly the Skinny Skies". [right click and save target as]

If you are one of those who gets jumpy when Yindian accents are made fun of, take it with a pinch of salt.

The main point of course is that, is slim really the ideal? Or really the Indian ideal? It's not unknown that somewhere deep down ingrained in our DNA, Yindian men love the meat on their women. The models at a recent fashion festival in Milan got a huge shock when underweight, anorexic chicks were rejected in favour of fuller bodied bustier models.

Then again, we don't really understand this whole fanaticism for the skinny now. Especially after years of Ramba, Ramya Krishnan, Nagma and Sex Bomb Shakila.

Just out of pure curiosity, looking at the top 10 heroines of Kollywood in present times, who would YOU wanna get naked in Tahiti with? Source: BehindWoods

Who turns YOU on?
Sonia Agarwal
Free polls from

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KLK Visits Kalinga Trilogy

Never send a clueless non-Keling to do a Keling Kia's job. That was the first impression I got when I read the reviews of the Kalinga Trilogy - Separation. The review on the Straits Times on Tuesday (14th Nov) for example was obviously written by a non-Indian, non-Tamil who did not understand the nuances of language, the importance of dance and the ubiquitous nature of song in the play that are central to the Keling soul. Instead she spent time being distracted by the science of theatre, rambling on and on about "narrative", "internal monologue", "expositional dialogue" and "surrealistic mediation". Let me show you what I'm talking about:

Last Thursday the second instalment of Miror Theatre's Kalinga trilogy takes a tumultuous period in Singapore's history - 1946 to 1965 - and turns it into a cheeky amalgam of different performing traditions with mixed results. There were touches of therukoothu, traditional Indian street theatre, in the way Rodney Oliveiro and the magnetically feral Sani Hussin acted the parts of stylised storytellers, setting the stage for the play to follow.

It was an interesting choice, given the largely naturalistic style of the rest of the production. The contrast was jarring, but in a thought-provoking way, as if one were entering a slice of past life through a surrealistic mediation. There were dashes of the song-and-dance razzmatazz you usually find in musicals in the scenes featuring workers on strike. These, however, mostly felt stilted rather than subversively tongue- in-cheek. There were also many video clips used throughout the staging. This technique was used with greater success in the first play in the trilogy, staged at The Substation's Guinness Theatre last year. Then, the clips were used to evoke a mood rather than further the narrative. In this play, however, the tactic of using these clips as interior monologue scenes for the stage actors felt a tad too contrived.

The greatest challenge in writing a play about the history of Singapore is how to present all the information. From trade union strikes to racial riots to Independence, you learn a lot from this play via all the expositional dialogue. Consequently, however, one also never really shrugs off the feeling that this was more of an educational, rather than theatrical, experience. Two things made the first part of this trilogy highly engaging. One was the palpable chemistry of the ensemble cast, which remains in evidence here. Joanne Ng and S. Karthik, for instance, provided a welcome dose of comic relief with their energetic portrayal of a bickering couple.

The other factor was the central love story featuring stage actress Letchumi (Vicknesvari Vadivalagan) and Indian immigrant Shanmugam (V. Subramaniam), who is killed off in the second instalment.The widowed Letchumi instead finds herself increasingly attracted to an earnest young teacher Suntharam (Sivakumar Palakrishnan). But the narrative ploy of keeping this a chaste attraction that ends on a will-they-or-won't-they note wore thin after a while. The result was a heartfelt but patchy play, with interesting new ideas about the art of storytelling but an uneven hand in presenting these ideas.

You totally missed the forest for the trees, honey. Enough of the above "let's see how many big words I can put in a few paragraphs" review? Read the KLKillah version.

For those of you who don't know the story, here is it in a nutshell - starts from 1946, immediately after the war. It continues the story of Letchumi and the trials and tribulations she experiences right up to the separation of Singapore and Malaysia in 1965. The Separation is the second installment of Trilogy but this production stands alone. Even without knowledge of the first part, audience can still enjoy the performance.

Anyone with a keen interest in Singapore's history and unique culture will not want to miss this journey into the country's past - from the citizenship drive in the 1950s by the Indian community to the emotionally charged 1964 racial riots, from ugly incidents like the Hock Lee Bus riots to the Maria Hertogh controversy.(Synopsis courtesy of Esplanade website )

Kalinga Trilogy, directed by Vadi PVSS, is a play that sings right into the heart of every Singaporean Indian. Besides the careful research into our history, Vadi also made sure to represent the popular culture of the time to its truest. For example, he chose to insert a sing-and-dance item- a typical "aruvadai" song from cinema in the 1950s, which brings back memories of the stars of the time like Sivaji, MGR and S Muthiah.

We are all familiar with the patriotic songs from that era and the Kalinga Trilogy has a few orginal songs, in local context, that added oomph to the patriotism of the play. The strike song, the resistance song, the "every dog has its day" song - they all resounded with what we know of our turbulent history.

The actors were well chosen for the parts, although I was surprised that not more Indian actors were hired. (Read: Why didn't they hire me?) Maybe it was to maintain the multiculturalism of Singapore in the play. And get more multicultural bums on seats, of course. Some of the faces that we are used to seeing on the small screen, like Vickneswary and Sivakumar actually translate well onto the stage.

Vickeswary's classical dance background came through with her overdramatic sadness and larger than life decision making (Think Saroja Devi). Sivakumar is a natural and gifted actor, who really should explore his stage career a lot further. And the non-keling actors were just as good. Joanne, Sani and Rodney, you all have honorary Keling membership now.

After the play, Mr Vadi decided to have a open dialogue with the audience, hoping to get some intelligent dialogue and feedback. This turned out to backfire in the most embarrassing way. It was like having one of your once-a-year Deepavali guests tell you why everything about your house is wrong and that you should have consulted them before you bought it.

Why, Mr Vadi? Why open yourself up to that kind of heartache? Especially when you saw that the audience contained people who liked the sound of the own voice so much, they wouldn't let anyone talk? Even when you took their mic away! Especially when what they had to say had nothing to do with the play or with real life. . I mean, does anyone really need to know the 6 Sanskrit words for Lion? You should have just had Mr Samuel Doraisingam share his experiences of the time, and thus add truth to the beauty that was the Kalinga Trilogy.

For those of you who decided to invest the $25 on Black Cat and fags instead of a ticket, please start saving now for Part Three. It will be worth it. It will at least give you an extra bounce in your step the next time you are reminded you are a Keling Kia.

Top Ten KLKialisms

1) The event started late.

2) The girls were dressed to the nines and the guys looked like they just crawled out of bed. Esplanade? So what?

3) You laugh at grief. Yes, it's your coping mechanism. Laugh so you won't have to look like a pansy for crying along.

4) You don't notice that the actors say "wery", instead of "very", or stare-y instead of starry.

5) You clap along to the songs, even though your seat mate stares daggers at you for rocking the whole row.

6) You read the subtitles, even when the characters are speaking Tamil.

7) You don't flinch at strobe lighting or bright spotlights on the audience, thanks to the lighting designers at Amaran.

8) Half the audience is related, friends with or knows someone who knows someone who is a cast/ crew member.

9) You rue the fact that there was no love song scene daydreamt by the hero or heroine in the play.

10) The programmes were free, because no self-respecting Yindian will pay $10 to buy one.

To view news clips on YouTube, click HERE. We'd like to call out for anyone who has photos of the night in question to send it to us because our KLKamera was stolen and sold off at Sungei Road before we could buy it back.

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Wednesday, November 15, 2006


A member of the KLKlan perked the interest of the KLKillahs with his recent letter to the forums in the so-called mass and only media available in Singapore. His issue was of something not terribly obvious, yet very fundamental in whether the proper regard is given for all minorities in this nation.

The actual letter was published on 8th November in The New Paper Forum page. It was also reflected in The Straits Times Online Forum on 7th November.

I just realised that DBS ATM machines have instructions in English, Malay and Chinese but not Tamil. I would like to know why this is so since Tamil is one of the four official languages in Singapore.

In the past, the lack of proper Tamil authoring software was an acceptable excuse. However, now the situation is completely different as there have been great developments in the use of Tamil in information systems.

There are a sizeable number of Tamil-speaking Indians who are unable to read English or Malay, especially the older generation. The needs of these people should not be ignored by DBS and I hope it will consider my suggestion.

Implementing this will definitely convince me DBS bank is among the best in the region.

Ponraj Manickam

It is our understanding that the person who is supposed to be the spokes-person for the bank is Janet Mohan , Vice-President, Customer Feedback & Service Management of DBS Bank. This was ascertained after viewing other replies to letters on DBS related matters. However, not a single reply was offered to Mr. Raj in view of his query when even letters published later than his warranted a "PR" laced reply.

Now that we've brought this to your attention, go ahead, let your comments be felt. Both here, and at the ST Online Forum if you will. Or write in with your own view on the matter to the media.

Last we checked, Tamil is still one of the official languages of our fine motherland, no? And wouldn't it be a hoot wanting to see how they get down to translating "Other Cash Withdrawal", "PIN" and "IB"?

On a similar vein, check out another hot topic brewing about TV Mobile programming, click HERE.

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Friday, November 10, 2006

Scandal Dua

The KLKillahs just couldn't let up a chance for another round of fresh gossip. We reported recently that a not unknown Miss Vasantham winner, has been found after a massive manhunt. Well, not that massive, it just required some proficient "Frenster"ing.

Back to the story. We were tipped off and some even swore on their dead hamster's grave that she has already transcended singlehood to reach the realm of the married. In fact, eyewitness accounts of the engagment and subsequently a ring - exchange ceremony was also submitted to the KLKillahs. Apparently, everyone who was invited and attended it assumed that was the ROM.

Question is, is she really and legally married?

If she is, then how goes the entry into MISS Singapore India?

We're quite KLKonfused. Anyone cares to set this story straight?

P.S. Big up to all the gossip mongers out there who insisted we run this tale. Booyakasha.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

KLK Profile #4

It's been a long time since we delved into Frenster profiling. People come up with the weirdest stuff these days, from questionnaires to yes/no quizzes to plain grovelling at the ladies' feet. But nothing prepared Esh for this onslaught [Editor's remarks in italics]:

I logged into Friendster today to discover that i have a new friends request. So the unsuspecting me clicks on the request to see who it was. And the unsuspecting me was thoroughly appalled by what i saw. Shock. Awe. Horror.

At this point, unable to accept what I saw, I ran across my living room filled with so much of emotions. I fell to the floor, and start sobbing uncontrollably. No one could stop me. I couldn't believe what I saw. [De ja vu. Did the same when we heard Saddam was gonna be hanged]

I had to tell someone about it. I couldn't contain it anymore. So I called the first person I thought who could help me regain some of my senses - Praba, and there I was recounting the drama to him amidst a fresh flow of tears. It was awful. Praba was already half way through his front door to do some serious damage to the person who was the cause of my tears. [Who? Praba? The bloke who didn't know how he got back after 2 pints of Hoegaarden and a half pint of San Miguel?]

After some advice from Praba I got to my senses and my KLKillah instinct got the better of me. Time to do some KLKulling baby! [Finally we get to the story, knn, so much build up]

Here's presenting Jurong Sarakuz. So apparently this one person, is a representative of all Jurong Sarakuz. And this person tried to add me. wtf? The display picture screams Jurong West and her hometown is Endrendrum Jurong!! Alright la machi!

I began dissecting the profile. There were no photos of people, but the captions to some of the pics made me wonder.

"Our Roko" - Oh you all endorsing Marlboro is it? Are ya'll doing it like how the old time beer ads do it, with skanky babes? [I believe the word is rokok with a k]

"Kudikariz" - So that was why you created this were drunk right? [Never attempt anything dangerous like the world wide web under the influence]

"Your still ugly to us boys.." - [Gender stereotypes are so fashionable these days.]

Being a saraku in jurong.. [Do you get CPF with that?]

Hobbies and Interests:
slacking..make our place(jurong) to a better place..
[Heal the world. Make it a better place. Plus the last guy who sang that is on child molestation charges now]

Favorite Books:
is ther any books for us???
(yeah. makes me wonder too)

About Me:
Okiii...thiz profile is made up for jurong sarakuz..the intension is to make all the jurong gerls to get united and bring up jurong as a best place!! let us show all that jurong gerls are the best..any other gerls frm different loaction who wanna get united with us..your always welcome!! gerlz rulezz!! simply this profile is onlie for GERLS!!!! even if your ugly or pretti,fat or thin,jus add me!! coz no matter what gerls..we are babes!!!

Who I Want to Meet:
Jurong sarakuz..and whoever gerls wanna get united wid wuld be nice if no guys are in this profile thanks..

Sorry la babes..I stay in Jalan Jurong Kechil. I know there's a Jurong in the name and all but that's still like miles away from Jurong West. Oh by the way, good luck on your mission to "bring up jurong as a best place!" When that happens, do inform us at KLK so that we can be proud of youse we could even help you recruit some NTU chicas so you can start a political party and vote for them.

I caught sight of the first testimonial and a fresh flow of tears unleashed from my eyes.

"Bila bila Jurong Sarakuz la
Wen fight comes we are
one for all all for one la"

Power to the giduga la machi!

Unbelievable. See how much trauma one profile can cause me! Poor me.

By the ways, i rejected the request. Not cos i thought they were an embarrassment whatsoever. I mean c'mon man, we all know about brotherhoods, so kudos to the babe who wants to promote some loving sisterhood here. In a world where everything is falling apart, we need chicks like these to unite and spread some lurrve, no? Why then didn't i accept them?

What can I say, guess I didn't fit their profile.

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Friday, November 03, 2006

Miss Vasantham - Grand Finals

We apologize for the utter neglect we have left this site in. When faced with typing with athritis fingers against a coupla pints of good Hoegaarden, there was no other choice. However, maybe you'd still like our thoughts on a long foregone conclusion. The culmination of the Miss V saga. Praba was the only KLKillah home on a Sunday night so he could crack open some Pringles and savour the ladies with his trusty Singha beer. The rest of us evidently think Sunday night soccer is a much bigger draw. He says it like it is:

Firstly, watch the video of the crowning of the KLKween, HERE.

Indra. That's the name you would have heard upon the announcement of the winner. As an old army inche once said to one of us: "No two ways about it. Pack of balls." Now, who would have expected that this very poll that we conducted, could have actually been the sign. I could have kicked myself for not having started an illegal betting system online.There was no better way the show could have KLKicked off. Stakes were high. Mistakes were unaffordable. And winning was all that mattered. We've seen them doing their thing week in, week out. We know where who perserveers. And this is where it mattered most- The finals. Apart from the few who looked like they secretly knew that they've got through to win it, some had the word nervous written all over their faces.

It was the evening to be different. I wonder if Rafi's been reading us but, to my sheer amazement, he decided to judge the finals without his ugly shades. Whether or not it did justice to his looks but I think even the cameraman whould have stopped all the "KNN, take off those shades la" pleas. But when one door closes, another opens. Najip chose to leave behind his trademark hat. I didn't know so much hay grew on his hair. And heck, even Shamen decided to give away the vote percentages. And since it was the evening to be different, it also looked like Fazila left behind her answers.

The question for the day: "What does a woman really want?" A pretty undeviating question I'd say. Being a woman, and being asked about what you want, it's there for the taking. This is the kinda question that seperates the 'know what you're doing' from the 'doing what you know'. The kinda question that paramounts the well prepared a notch higher than the slow blooming ones.

Devi Priya: When I most expected her to virtually flip open her thirukural, scan through the pages, and nicely slip in one quote into the sentence when no one is looking, she decided to cut short the plan by saying "A woman wants happiness and fullfilment. And it's about going through hard lessons in life" Very true indeed. I don't know how far out her answer reaches but I'd say she answered with the confidence. Knowing what is expected and coming straight to the point.

Jamuna: So from being that 'blur queen' that she always was, the 'mangamma' seems to have really bloomed this time round. Though shaky at times, she has managed to pull this off quoting "All a woman really wants is to achieve her dreams and do what she wants to do" Now, I wonder if the whole of Tampines erupted when she answered. But for the night, she definitely looked like she meant business.

Indra: "A women wants to achieve whatever she wants in life. It's about having a career and being a mother as well as having a family and a piece of mind." This is the classic answer I'd have wanted to hear. All in one. Not too lengthy and straight to the damn point. One considerable thing was that most contestants came straight to the point. This is in stark contrast with previous rounds where everyone seemed to say everything else but the answer.

Yuvaneswari: "A woman wants success in whatever she does. Bring out the beauty within her. And doing something that she loves" That middle sentence sounded so Rupini's.

: "A woman wants security. She wants someone protecting her" I could do that honey. Really.

: "A woman needs love and to chase after her dreams" Why you early-early don't say?

Barathi: I've always liked her 'ah lian' tendencies. I've always wanted to scream something like "Fire fire burn so high - ah!" whenever she came one stage. That 'garang-ness' in her never stops. Again, she pulls off an answer quite similar to an upper cut by saying "Respected wherever she goes". Even Sorna Akka couldn't have put it more short and sharp.

Fazilla: Yes yes. I heard your "Yellarukum Vanakam" but that doesn't mean you put a full stop right there and smile for us to pick up our handphones to punch in that cursed number of yours. If you were at the finals, you'd have noted that the roof nearly erupted when her name was announced. But whether or not such an ovation made her nervous, if she could pluck the courage to say "Yellarukum Vanakam" in tamil, we'd expect you to find anything and everything else to pluck to continue with the answer. Your two words in tamil, as well as some repeated apologies and talk about life, wasn't worth our sixty cents. [Another KLKoup. After our 2 dollar outrage]

With the Q & A leaving the competition wide open like a golf course, Rafi did manage to pick up a good point. Competition definitely seemed to have improved from before. And it could be any three that could be in the top three. Especially since Fazilla slipped and everyone else seemed more than game to replace that spot with much appreciation.

Apart from the 'shake your bon bon' manuveres and the airing of clean shaved armpits by coiling like a snake vertically in the talent round, there wasn't much to salvage the votes. Revathy had her fair share of confessions to make in the pre recorded voice clip that simply voiced out the message "They said I should speak tamil, but they didn't say how much of tamil I should speak." Talk about being an oportunist. And the usual A-B-C-D's of barathi didn't have a V for votes. Instead, a V for vodka that we most likely presume would have been the main course and pretty much everything else. It jus wasn't the day for some.

Personally, I'd say Devi Priya deserved a peek at the top three position as much as Revathy did. And while everyone is pondering over why Fazila was chosen over other competitors, the answer is simple. In any pageant, no one is judged on the final day. This is not the champions league final. Any panel of judges will have a handful of their favourites. And while it all builds up to the final day, they'd have a rough idea of who they want to see in the final 3. My take on this is that whether or not Fazilla performed on the final day, absolutely didn't matter because the decision, most likely, had been made by the judges before hand. As painful as her performance was on the final day, it is not untrue to say she has consistently garnered good judge and crowd response through the weeks.

Many people are predicting that Faz will definitely get more air time in the near future than the actual Kween. We'll just have to wait and see.

So, that's that. Ended just like it started. Bang bang boom. KLKillahs indeed had a great ride on this whole wave and we feel we've shown the "power of the internet". Just look at the jabs we've got when the emcee speaks and the changes that have materialized in the general outcome of the show.

We'd like to end with food for thought though. The New Paper had an article on Miss V, here, and we quote directly:
It was a Tamil beauty pageant on a channel devoted to Indian viewers. So why were the contestants and the judges speaking more English than Tamil?
We love it when there's in-fighting within the ranks of the media. This is the main harbinger is it not? Was it an INDIAN pageant? Or was it a TAMIL pageant? Knowledge of Tamil wasn't even a criteria for auditioning for the show. We wanna hear your comments on this. Oh yeah, feel free to flood Vasantham Central's e-mail inboxes with your comments too. We say, "shoot people with water gun where got kick? Blast with water cannon better". *Grin*

We wanted to end but we won't get to sleep if we don't stir more shit and then relish our actions with some ice cold beer.

Why let the judges choose just 3 anyway? All 8 worked their arse out to get to the finals didn't they? Why should the public ONLY be confined to 3? Why not have it as fair as can be and let all 8 go at it in the SMS polls? Cos, there're favourites and non-favourites? Cos, there are some the judges and tv station would rather not be crowned as queen? Cos, there are some whom if you leave them with an open playing field they'd just cream the rest with their mates' SMSes? Cos, Yindians [the channel] are such control freaks?

We also blur.