Monday, October 30, 2006

Petronas Educates

Every year, within the region, Petronas from Malaysia is one firm that puts up very meaningful and touching commercials to ring in the festive season. Their adverts do not showcase the joyous festivities but instead tug on the heart strings via well placed moral values.

We present Petronas's ads for Deepavali and Hari Raya. More clips of past years can be viewed at youtube and running a search on "Petronas".

The Deepavali clip wasn't found at youtube, hence you can view it at the Petronas website.

Credit: Balraj from Down Under for getting this to our attention.

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Friday, October 27, 2006

Miss Singapore India

This Miss V thing is such a hot topic, we're indeed wondering if when it ends, what's going to be the next big thing. Maybe that dance competition called Dhool, maybe some random KLKuarreling at the India - Pakistan or LTTE - Lankan Govt borders. Anyhow, this is the round up of the polls. 155 people bothered to state their preference. And here are the supposed more popular ones amongst you readers.

Revathi & Devi Priya

We stopped at 3 since the final voting is gonna be the top shortlisted 3 anyway. But so what if you're not the top 3? Since Day 1, the girls together with signing up for the pageant have also conveniently been made to sign up with MediaKorp's AMU [Artistes Management Unit]. Anyhow, getting to the finals has already given them much media glare and exposure. We oughta be seeing them on our TV screens pretty soon, is our gut feeling.

Now, to point the focus to another Yindian beauty pageant, albeit one with much more class and scope [Sunita Rai was the winner in 1998]. The semi finals of Miss / Mrs Singapore India are coming up very soon. The ladies who have qualified past the intial stages are all up on their website and voting has also begun. It's also $2 a vote. And this time round, you don't sms but you do internet bank transfers, pay by credit card or mail them a cheque. Quite leceh if you ask us. In this one matter, the Vasantham approach was better.

First, view their website or open it in another window and read on: Miss Singapore India

KLKillahs explains WHY this is a true pageant, as opposed to televised reality shows masked as beauty pageants and searches for ambassadors:

1. Website

It looks upmarket. It looks professional. It's organized and sets information apart well. This is probably because it was made by a professional corporate firm. A firm that understands money buys quality and produced good quality.

2. Past Winners

Past winners of selected years are shown to portray the feeling that it is not a one-off show and that recognition will be due to you even years after you have held the crown and let it go. Unlike our favourite TV station that has let the INAUGURAL winner fade into oblivion, but wait, KLKillahs has a surprise for you. At the end of the post you'll realize what it is.

3. Profiles

If you notice, the only information provided is photo, name and age. Short and sweet. With Miss V, we saw how too much information became so detrimental. It even bordered on a little invasion of privacy. Ask any Googler, Frenster-rer, or MSN Spacer; full name / age / occupation is good enough for anyone to track you down. On top of that even we saw the amazing 10 questions, essentially interviews conducted via e-mail, un-vetted and published for the global audience.

It wouldn't be a lie if we said we enjoyed 50 Cent's 21 Questions better. At least they provoked our thoughts more with gems like: "And in bed if I used my tongue, would you like that? If I wrote you a love letter would you write back?"

4. Structure

The competition is a short and sweet one. Semis at an external ballroom and the Finals at a hotel ballroom. Swanky. In attendance of course are invited VIPs and industry movers and shakers who are more than willing to scout out any particular female they feel might do justice to their commercials or runways, and the general public including supporters. For the $80 ticket price, you get a five star dining experience, goodie bag and a chance to win lucky draw prizes. Well worked indeed.

5. Media Coverage

At first popularizing the invitation to join the pageant via ZoCards, there are also articles in The New Paper, Motherhood magazine and The Singapore Marketer. What more do you need to point out the event to all of Singapore? The New Paper was enough. All this compared to a badly scanned low-res Tamil Murasu article on the Miss V girls. We rest our case. Such an irony, that MediaKorp sucks at publicity compared to private organizers.

6. Sponsors

Now, all these high flying arrangements couldn't have been made possible without sponsors in cash and kind. At last glance, Miss Singapore India boasts a collation of 21 sponsors! And if you think they are all just providing groceries and free buffets, go read the list for yourselves under the "Event Partners" tab.

7. Prizes

The winner of this pageant walks away with 15 prizes inclusive of the crown and sash. What more does a 20+ year old girl need man? Also the winner represents Singapore in the Miss India Worldwide pageant. This on top of the guaranteed media exposure and glam. Even disregarding Miss V, Shabir too walked away with around $14,000 worth of prizes, but for what purpose? You crown an Idol and you don't cut his album for him?

Even if you didn't happen to be the top very lucky winner, you could still walk away with a sash. Miss Cover Girl, Miss Congeniality, Miss Body Beautiful are just 3 of the 18 subsidiary titles the girls stand to be recognized with.

8. Virtual Voting

Although, we felt this is much more strenous than typing out an SMS, indeed this pageant has embraced the E-Age fervently. You click on the chick you want, fill up your details and then just "submit".

As, the winners in the virtual voting category get an automatic bye into the Finals, and the 2nd & 3rd girls get an extra point in their semi final scores, you can imagine, everyone of the competitors should have activated family and friends do vote for them. You want to know the best part? Whoever is in the top 3 slots is constantly updated on the website so voters know who is lagging and who is forging ahead. Now, this is what we call, webpage - viewer relationship.

9. The Girls

Ah, we wouldn't be able to end this post right if we didn't flash up a coupla photos from the site we felt was mighty useful.

Now where have we seen this bunch before?

We can hear your hissing and your dissing already. But stop. Think for a moment. It's not wrong at all to participate in back to back pageants. After a farce of a pageant these women had joined, Miss Singapore India is a logical "atas" choice. Heck, you don't even have to win this one to get spotted. And these girls have already got into the Semis. 1 step away from the Finals. Sunita Rai is also not a one-pageant winner. She has been in tons, she wins some she doesn't win some. And so what? She's still a glorious catwalk model.

We felt some of them were attractive enough [by just this one photo] to make it big.

But you know our style. Will we ever not entertain you? Here, take a look at this one and tell us how many more Yindian women are going to not realize the essentials of good makeup and lighting. Wot a photo to parade yourself with.

Finally, we've solved the treasure hunt once and for all. Where did the missing Miss Vasantham 2004, Shobana go? Well she turned up here, that's where.

Lo and behold, apparently she shares our sentiments on certain media issues [excerpts from Frenster]:

Thanks to thoz who voted for me and supported me. I will do my best for the Tamil Language and for the Tamil Community. I m glad that as a Tamil gal i was able to bring the pride to my community.

Hi guys i tried my best and have realized that media industry does not respect or bother about talent. They just do programmes with whoever . Although i can speak good tamil nobody used me for their show for this reason. I'm really disappointed and wish to tell you'll that in singapore good talents are being wasted away and we need to do something about it. Seriously!!

Hi pple now I'm doing Padigal drama after my return from india.I'm a much focused person now I know what i want and what i need to do so look out for more of me this year as i chose my roles with great discretion.

Ah, we love being right don't we?

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Thursday, October 26, 2006

Semma Kattai Sights

Do you remember that show on Vasantham where they sent this team of already well known artistes to India to get auditions to possibly get their big break on the Kollywood Silver Screens?

Whatever happened to them? Any success? No matter who we asked, they just couldn't seem to remember how the series ended. Do fill us in on the details if you do know by leaving a comment.

KLKillahs thought, why just Kollywood? Let's send one of our own homegrown blokes to Hollywood instead. We thought it's a much better marketing tool anyhow, compared to being a celebrity guest accompanying group tours.

Quoting the Miss V website: "He has been one of the the highly-requested deejay by sponsors of Oli. He has accompanied listeners to multiple overseas trips to Delhi (twice), Sri Lanka (twice) and to Australia".

Isn't it time we got better copywriters working for MediaKorp? Since when does going on tours, TWICE [why they had to add that we have no idea], become an achievement and an accomplishment to add onto your CV? We don't even want to start KLKommenting on the obvious typo error in that sentence too.

Just so you know, if you are so dense, this was not a dig at the deejay but instead at the brilliant "wordsmiths" who update the website. But no matter what, "Pixxy Archival"; now THAT was a KLKlassic.

If you'd also like to send yourself to Hollywood, or fool a country bumpkin who thinks that Sex Bomb Shakila is still the Next Big Thing [pun intended], check out the Talladega Poster Customization site.

Disclaimer: Artistic license was used to the brink of its boundaries to produce this graphic.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006


Firstly, the KLKillahs would like to urge you again to support the local production Seperation: The Kalinga Trilogy [Part Two]. With regards to details, refer to our earlier post, Kalinga Trilogy - Part 2. KLKillahs will be covering the event and we hope it is a resounding success as Part 1 was.

What you probably didn't know was, students get a discounted rate. I believe it's only 20 dollars for them. Also, as this play is part of Kalaa Utsavam Indian Festival of Arts, you stand to win prizes after attaching your ticket stub to the lucky draw form available after the performances.

What you could win are a pair of Indian Airline air tickets to Delhi [top prize] and 25 $100 Mirchi - Taste of India vouchers [consolation prizes].

Tickets are still available. Book them now, HERE.

For more KLKorporate Shoutouts like this one, feel free to contact the KLKillahs. We are also now able to accomodate any advertising by manner of buttons or banners to promote your Korporate goods and services. Any KLKollaborations are also welcome.

Secondly, this pertains to the leaving of comments. Just for the general benefit of the masses, since 90% of all comments are left by "Anonymous". Just cos, you don't have a blogger account doesn't mean you can't state your name. Follow these two quick steps to stamp your own identity over the words you spew.

Step 1: Click "Other"

Step 2: Type Name

Thirdly, KLKillahs are proud to announce that after much MSN, e-mail and door-to-door marketing, we are left with only 50 pieces of the Vinayagar Decorative Plates we offered to fund our KLKillah Project. As seen below, we are now left with only the beautiful gold design.

We would like to appeal to all readers to continue spreading the word and purchasing the plates to aid funding our charitable project. The money for one plate will translate to providing a sumptuous dinner for two children. Let everyone revel in Deepavali fanfare shall we?

Monday, October 23, 2006

Miss V Preview

So, we were treated to some informal behind the scenes action this weekend on the Miss V Preview show. And informal it was, to a certain extent. Informalities were noticed when everyone seemed so cool and relaxed compared to their edgy nervous twitchiness we so observe on stage. Of course, most of them stuck to the same game plan of only "praising" and never "dissing" fellow participants. We've seen them week in week out. We've commented on their performances week in week out. It all culminates next Sunday.

Is it a wonder that we're made to pay 5 dollars for the tickets? I think they should just ask all the fans to stay home, glued to their TV set, add another dollar [which would have come in as bus fare anyway] and vote 3 times for their favourite female.

There's been a lot of banter on whether the winner should be able to talk Tamil fluently, on whether they can crossover to other channels effortlessly. Somehow, just based on the last Miss Vasantham, who has conveniently got hitched and left the scene, we don't see this happening. But what the hell, go ahead give it a shot. A competition is there for it to be won aint it?

Firstly, we profile the 8 finalists, with some short notes on what we know of them, and what we don't see out of them:


1. Answers well
2. Tattoos are such a turn on
3. Doesn't seem to be involved in any petty politics, passes off as the big sister amongst them all


1. Pretty
2. Popular support
3. Shys away from really tough questions by effortless giggling.


1. Confident on stage, good stage presence [much like Kalaivani]
2. Good crowd support in the auditorium, don't know if it will translate to actual votes cast
3. Speaks like an Ah Lian. Heartlander through and true.


1. Cultural background helps much
2. Although using the wrong terminology, answers are mostly curt and to the point
3. Strikes us as a Tamil teacher more than a beauty queen


1. Former and only pageant winner, has professional grooming specialists too
2. Has already decided she is gonna win the thing, probably has worked out a good plan to net the votes
3. If Bharathi is Ah Lian, she takes the cake for Mangamma.

Devi Priya

1. Passes off as sincere after that whole "I aint good at Tamil so I memorize Thirukkural to be one up" line during the preview interview.
2. Some X Factor going on with her. Can't put your finger on what it is though.
3. Her flair might make her the eventual winner.


1. Tall, leggy, certainly runway capable.
2. Has also played the SMS vote game well.
3. Maybe it's her natural look, but when posing most of the times looks uncertain.
4. She has KLKillahs' nod of approval for being the only one to credit a boyfriend for moral support through her journey.


1. Pretty, as bloomed suddenly catching some of the judges' eyes.
2. Speaks well and added controversy too with last week's run
3. Has popular support, due being easy on the eyes.

So, now we're done with the round-up. The preview show also took the mike to the streets to catch public opinion and as expected, they found enough people to talk good about every single finalist. It would have been happening if they had egged people on for negative comments, but what the hell, it's your last episode. Go in peace.

Quoting some "insider" from the tagboards, apparently the judges make the final cut of the final 3 and then you get to vote for them. [Let's hypothetically imagine that this is true] If this was the plan, then why bother letting us know we have the power to choose? You've already eliminated 5 out of the 8 conveniently for us. We don't need that much help really, this aint an MCQ test.

But also, what would have been a more accurate guage was to let the voting run for one whole week. From preview show to final show. And then collate the results of all 8 and crown the winner. And of course, as said twice before, do a live graph like President's Star Charity on how many votes are actually pouring in. We all like to see a thrashing. If it actually happens.

Now, for the real mystery. Apart from "hearing it on KLKillahs first", like many pointers we've brought up and later were televised on the next episode, we would like to know a few other things. Maybe, if we list them out in bulleted points, it will look more like a powerpoint presentation so people actually GET the hint.

1. Prizes - What we've learnt over 12 weeks is that, they are looking for a so and so woman and they need the girl to do this and that, but what the fuck are they gonna win? What's the point of a competition when you don't even name the prize? BUT, guaging from the sponsors listed and the way Yindian shows usually flow, we figure a nice big hamper of:

a. 3 Hang Ten Polo Tees [1 red, 1 yellow, 1 green for DeepaRaya mah]
b. 1 EXTREME makeover at Rupini's
c. 1 years supply of House Brand Masala. Any masala you want, but you only got one choice.
d. 1 Ramya Krishnan autographed pattu pudavai from Haniffa's
e. 1 pair of diamond ear studs from Kamala Jewellers
f. 1 years free dinner at Sakunthala's Food Palace
g. 1 weekend trip to Bangkok by Magical Holidays
h. 1 autographed Liverpool jersey from Maran, 1 autographed blouse from Sunita, 1 autographed beanie hat from Najip and finally 1 pair of Rafi's own shades [Wow, now that's a collector's item, you know how many aunties will try and rob you of it not]

And of course, since controversy seems to be injected into everything on this show. Let's let Rafi accompany the winner on the Bangkok trip. But please inform the KLKillahs of your final flight plans, you never know, one of us might be on the same flight. We wanna hear the cheesy "what would you do if your husband cheated on you" lines first hand. *Grin*

2. The Internet - After some major prodding from our posts, the website decided to go on a slight overhaul in certain sections, albeit just once. They put up some photos. Can we forget their "look at me I'm still 15" PIXXY ARCHIVAL tag on their page? We really don't see why a TV station can have such a crap website when even one like Oli 96.8 FM has such a solid one it magnetizes you to explore it. And to think all possible followup on previous episodes were provided not by Vasantham Central but yours truly, the KLKillahs. Such is our dedication to quality reviewing.

Just to show how some other pageant websites look like:

We have transcended the E-Age we feel, where every firm, every event, every news worthy happening has to have a terrific website. Approximately 60% of all Net users, check out a company's website before even purchasing a company's products. But you don't need us to tell you that, you're the media, not us. And don't react to our criticisms on national television, it's embarassing. Whatever happened to free speech? If you got fuck all programming, then you have it.

I guess it's really now not about who turns up as the ultimate winner, in our humble opinion. It's really about what HAPPENS to this winner. And don't worry, KLKillahs will be watching. We don't all have cable TV you see, we're kinda stuck for choice, between crap free to air programming or pirated DVDs.

KLKillahs wishes all 8 women the very best of luck and we hope the winner really takes the finals by the scruff of its neck like an errant schoolboy who just stole your eraser. [had to plagiarize Maran a bit there, to credit his intellect that he finally let show towards the end of this series]

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Deepavali In Melbourne

We all know how your Deepavali went. But how about the poor innocent children we send across the seas to go get some quality education and hope they aren't boozing up while we're asleep? The Girl reports straight from the land Down Under on what varsity kids do when their folks aint there to watch them. Melbourne Masala!

Ah yes, the big day. I hope everyone had an awesome Deepavali. Here in Melbourne, there were lots of parties going on; the main one being the Deepavali Bonanza at Federation Square. My day didn't start very well and was kinda depressing because exam trumps Deepavali. But, as the day went by, all my Indian friends decided that since Deepavali comes once a year, we are going off to Fed Square and leave our exam worries in our rooms.

My Dad took the liberty to call me later in the night, exposing me to the sounds of merriment in my Grandmother's house making me incredibly homesick. But I digress.

Anyways, I went to a friends place, and we decided to dress up for the day. So we decided on wearing saris. Men, however do not understand that saris take a while to tie. I swear, the next time I hear a guy bitch about how long women take to get ready I am going to punch his nose flat. We have to do hair, makeup, tie the sari properly, pin it at the right places etc etc. It takes time. So while I was getting ready, there were 3 cars outside honking and yelling for us to 'speed it up'. Felt like Deepavali indeed.

I absolutely adored the walk to Federation square. Compliments from total strangers. Love it. Totally made my day. I exchanged a couple of 'Happy Diwali' wishes at the traffic signal and while crossing the street. I was in pretty high spirits by the time I reached Federation Square. [and here I wonder what kinda "high"] But nothing could prepare me for the sight at Fed Square. 3000+ Indians, jam packed in one parade. [we have 60,000 foreign workers thronging their hangouts each weekend babe]

My friends saw the crowd and were taken aback. Seriously, there were ambulances on the side, police EVERYWHERE. But, since we had taken the effort to get there, we decided to go ahead with it. It was like entering a battle zone. Everyone was pushing each other with absolutely no regard whatsoever. The thing is, nothing was happening. All I saw was people, people and more people. The stage was empty and the food stores were located in one corner. It would easily take me about an hour to get to the food and I wasn't going to risk ripping my saree.

So my friends and I stood. And waited. Finally some woman came on stage, yelled out a couple of 'Happy Diwali' greetings. I could tell that many of the men there were drinking and were determined to have fun no matter what. What a sight to behold. Desi men wrapped the Indian flag around and danced to no music. Oh, and some guy started banging on drums and half the crowd started jumping up and down. I was seriously worried that some kid might get trampled on.

Finally there was a performance, which was very energetic and the quite nice. That was the only thing that I enjoyed. After that there was classical music and speeches by non-indians, who made the crowd go mad when they dropped a couple of Hindi words here and there. Then the fireworks came on, and went on for about 25 mins. It was kinda drab at first, but it got better. The night ended with 20 sadars beating up 4 Aussie policemen.

As you can probably tell by now, the Fed Square event wasn't that great. It wasn't even good. It was a huge dissapointment. My friend said it was just a parade hired for one night so that every Indian in Melbourne can get together. Thank goodness for my super witty and sarcastic friends who made my night some what tolerable, at least I had a good laugh. The night ended with a dinner at an Indian restaurant, where I enjoyed the company more than the food.

All in all, I guess rather than the event or occasion it is the people around you that make festivities enjoyable. I never really appreciated family until I was without them. I hope everyone had an amazing Deepavali nonetheless. Cheerios!

Editor: Not quite the tale of booze, drugs and bush whacked bhangra but heck, as long you had a good one. This is the link to the event held: Diwali Parade at Fed Square. Damn early sleepers these Aussies. The opening ceremony was at 5:30 pm and the closing ceremony was at sundown. In the words of a Melbournian, that's "urmm..6-ish".

In reality of course, it ended at 9. Cos, no matter where in the world you wanna hold a Yindian event. It MUST end later than projected.

Photos from: Amanda Sim

Sunday, October 22, 2006

KLKampbell Lane

KLKillahs took a bit of time off our busy schedules and decided to have a sit-down in the bustling Campbell Lane last week. Initially the agenda was all about a few smooth Heinekens and some "kodal" to "thottu nakku". However, things happened to take a turn up a different road. What can we say, we love to bitch.

Campbell Lane, nothing to do with that tin can of soup you tend to break out when mummy's not cooking, has always held court to many bustling businesses. The Towkays [and some say Great White Sharks] of Tekka, Jothi Store has held its KLKorporate HQ there for years and this year, much like previous years, there was a Deepavali Bazaar held by barring the lane to traffic and erecting massive tentages.

In the first place, it should not have been called a bazaar. What it should have been called was "THE EXTENSION". Every brick and mortar shop along the lane just EXTENDED their doorsteps a coupla metres forward, added a tentage and voila! A Bazaar! Wow. Pure marketing geniuses. Now why didn't WE think of that?

And yes, we hope this marks the demise of that goddamn SUPER DUPER Deepavali Expo they hold every year because there so happens to be an open field opposite Mustafa's. I say, quit the expo idea and launch an open air cinema. So, everyone has something to do in between all that shopping. Instead of the blokes crowding outside Oli's M3 effectively stopping traffic with their arses, let em have a picnic we say, and catch the same Vivek comedy scenes on loop.

Still, we made a quick walk through making sure that we didn't let any exquisite "product" out of our view. Upon reaching one particular section though, simultaneously all 3 of us KLKillahs had a new brainstorm. This bazaar was the ideal place to purchase accessories and items for next year's Thaipusam. What luck. Praba immediately found his calling. He was always the muscially inclined one amongst us, always wanting to drum his beats wherever he could find a hollow surface. We had to give a pass on this one because even if it is against the law, we'd like to be knocking on an instrument that had more "mangalam" to it. Unfortunately, this one wasn't red-yellow and just looked gay.

What we did find and bought 100 pieces of because we have never seen such beautiful artwork, stitching and material all in one joint was this:

Simply put: "Kala tapa Style mesti ada"

The KLKillahs then proceeded to yet another one of our legendary coffeeshop meet-and-greet sessions. At this vantage point, nothing missed our eyes. Even the ones who insist on pissing in the dark alleyway right below the Police CCTV camera, set up to catch errant pissers.

Is it that we then spotted the host of Miss Vasantham trudging through the bazaar evidently to do some shopping for the festive weekend?

We did raise our hands to get his attention but were met with a nonchalant expression. A pity. We were seconds away from walking over to introduce ourselves. "Hi, I'm ah_neh, and I'm a KLKIllah. These are my mates Praba and Chandi. Oh and by the way, could you please get that bloke Rafi to take off his shades?". We couldn't introduce KL (Kuala Lumpur) Killah and K(ama)L Killah yet as they hadn't signed our lengthy confidentiality agreements [mostly because the table was wet with melting icecubes].

Alas, you can't just go up to "celebrities" and introduce yourself these days. Who knows, they might have their contingent of bodyguards hiding behind one of the lampposts ready to ambush any naysayers. Well, his car license plate number will have to suffice. We rolled it for both Sat and Sun draws. But the cursed numbered balls also decided to play "celebrity" with us.

Now you may question, what was the fuckin point of this post at all? Did it have a moral to the story? Why the fuck are you just blabbering on about what you did, where you walked, and how there was a total lack of beauties in Tekka on a dismal Tuesday afternoon? Ah, but there is!

When you take 2 photos and MMS it to your e-mail for a grand total of 60 Singapore Cents, you sure as hell will take the time to plug in a huge story just so these 2 photos can see the light of day. So, sorry. We're Yindian.

With that said, hope you had a marvellous Deepavali, and we welcome readers' posts on your tremendous or horrendous Deepavali experiences. Email us your material and we'll post it up.

Friday, October 20, 2006

The KLKlan Deepavali

ah_neh / ugra chandi:

To all our Hindu readers, Happy Deepavali. And to the non-Hinduites, have a good time gorging. To those, who aren't able to celebrate it for one reason or the other, there's always Hari Raya next week, followed by Halloween followed by Christmas and then The New Year, oh wait, then Thaipusam is coming up fast after that too. See, it's never a problem partying if you're an Yindian in Singapore.

Have a good one. Don't drink and drive. Just drink. And once you collect all your ang pows, spare a thought for those who are not having such a grand celebration like yourself. Contact us to submit your contributions and donations to our KLKillahs Project.



the girl:

Greetings from down under!!!! As bitter as I am about having my exams around the corner and my inability to celebrate Deepavali like I would back home because I have to S-T-U-D-Y, I am glad I have KLK to keep me updated with the festivities in Singapore. I love how Indians, keling or not, battle for attention on the tagboard and argue about all things substantial and mundane.

Reminds me of the last time I attended a Deepavali party, with half-drunk uncles dancing and fully drunk makkals fighting. But at the end of the day, we all love each other don't we? So, I, 'the girl', would like to wish all Indians ALL OVER THE WORLD a very very HAPPY DEEPAVALI!!!


So it's finally almost here? The time to get piss drunk and lie naked outside raagawoods? The time to carry a tiger beer bottle and wait outside amaran just to hammer that fella who stared at your girlfriend in 1800 B.C? The time to screw some girl you picked up in the club whose name you forgot but sounded something like S-H-O-I-K-A? Not any of these? It better not be.

This year, celebrate it the safe way. The festival of lights. Such a beautiful festival. Please do not turn it into the festival of fights. Spend this one beautiful day wisely with your loved ones. And from the bottom of my heart and behalf of the keling killah family, I wish all yindians a really splendid deepavali.

keling kween

Vanakkam yaenathu iniya nanbargaley. Ellorukum enathu manamarntha Deepavali vaazhtugal. Ungal illangalil magilichi ponga naan vaendugiraen. Okay so I tried hard enough. Happy Deepavali folks. Lets remember the story of Deepavali even in times like these. The beauty of the Indian tradition is that it still holds such true values and insights that are timeless. Good will always overcome Evil even if we don't have torturous monsters running about killing people okay? Spread the love and cherish all that you have. HAPPY DEEPAVALI!


It's time, once again, to stuff our faces, loosen our salwar strings and sink in front of the TV to the hypnotic sounds of T/K/Bollywood song and dance. At least, that's what Deepavali means to me.

Don't conform to the "ang pow" rule. In Indian culture, the blessings of your elders are enough. (Yes, I know, I am a cheapo!)

Have a joyous festive break. Happy Deepavali to all!


so the time of the year has come once again for all of youse to stuff your faces with all the goodies. You might wanna watch it though, cos the excessive use of QBB ghee might cause you to pile on some weight as well. you don't wanna be bursting at the seams of your new clothes now do you? To all of youse:

from the bell bottom wearing, leopard print worshipping and hip-hop posing,
to the temple-going madisar maamis and the coconut breaking swamis,
to the mums couped up in the kitchen preparing for feasts and the dads caught up in the bank withdrawing lotsa cash,
to the boys who stalk chicks for their numbers and the girls who swear by your blue eyeshadow,
to every Indian through and true,
here's a very Happy Deepavali from me to you! (:

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Fashion for the Dummies

Time and time again, the Indians have done it. We have constantly proven that we are unbeatable in more ways than one. Athletics, cooking, blasting each other, backstabbing, gossip, and then there is FASHION. Just in time for Deepavali too. ;)

Yeah, I mean who else would have thought that zebra skins would look fantabulous coupled with a leopard skin pants? If ever the Animals' Rights movement were to shoot a bunch of people, our KLK brothers and sisters would be the first to go. I also cannot stress on how important the cat eyed contact lenses are to this "look". Dahling, blue lenses are so last season!

So if you're gonna try to be proof that we didn't actually evolve from apes, but in real fact, leopards, zebras and cats, you've at least got to do it the true blue KLK way. And being the trashiest writer (since the only things I've written revolved around dance competitions and KLKockster boyfriends), I pride myself in presenting you with the Fashion Bible [no offence Christians] of the season.

Today we will just settle the girls' must-haves since that in itself is one hell of a list.

Lesson #1: Why wear clothes that fit you?

I mean seriously, what fun is that? Why on earth would you want your clothes to fit you, when you can opt for something that hugs you in all the wrong places and places you right next to the Incredible Hulk for Halloween? Remember, lycra is the way to go! So what if you're 20 pounds overweight and frightfully resembling a fat cow? Make sure your skirts hike up so that we can see that inch of your Rambha thighs and also ensure that all your cleavage becomes spillage. Less is more (really).

Lesson #2: Show,Show and Keeping Showing.

If you wear underwear, show it to us. Yes, even if its granny panties, we still want to see them. If you wear a bra, ensure you show us. Transparent bra straps that gnaw into your skin, coloured bra straps,even the ones that are slightly fading. Show us everything. Transparent clothes with a matching tube are excellent too. We love the fact that you'd choose to come to office on Casual Friday wearing what looks like just the inner layers of your clothes (yes,I still believe clothes SHOULD have more than one layer).

Lesson #3: Your powder should not match your skin colour.

Again! If your clothes shouldn't be fitting you, why should your powder? Always make sure its two tones whiter(we're not even talking brighter here) than your skin tone. Remember never to apply any powder on your neck so that we can see your true tone and your artificial tone as well. If you don't have powder that doesn't fit your skin, just apply 40 layers of your normal powder and you're set to go. Why? We like to be white? We like looking stupid? We like not being able to take flash photos because we end up looking like those scary photos that end up being forwarded on Hotmail with titles such as "Believe it or not!"? I really don't know!

Lesson #4: If its hanging on display, buy it.

Total KLK mentality. Hasn't anyone heard of sales tactics? They do not put it up on display because it's the nicest thing in the shop. Its probably the most goddamn expensive thing or the fugliest thing that they hope you'd get off their hands. However, if you really truly believe that you'd like to have 15 other sisters wearing that same top you bought from Expo go ahead. I mean the Bombay sisters were famous after all.

Lesson #5: Fusion is in. Logic is out.

Why bother wearing a plain Punjabi suit? Top it off with a belt. (Remember one of our "well loved" singers who once wore a black saree with a cowboy belt to the Pradhana Vizha?) . Better yet, make sure you look like you're wearing half a baju kurung, half a saree and then top it off with the China Doll hairstyle. Easy this Deeparaya. Can wear the same thing to two places and still look KLKool.

Lesson #6: Colour Coordinate. Or don't at all.

You either wear a maroon blouse, a maroon skirt, carry a maroon handbag and wear a maroon hairclip (maroon shoes are a bit harder to find) OR you wear completely contrasting colours. A yellow blouse and red pants would look awesome. Especially if you decided that this year you're going to do the traffic control at the Expo.

Lesson #7: Match your eyeshadow to your outfit.

Remember Geisha Gayathri from MV? Najip once asked her very curtly if she meant to match her pink eyeshadow with her pink saree. Its evidently become a habit. We understand if you decide you'd like to have a bit of green in your eyes, but to use a crayon and paint your eyes green just because you bought a pretty new green dress. A little much, no?

And if this doesn't help you 'nuff, just go to the Expo and people watch for 1 hour. You'd learn all you need to learn about sartorial sensations.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Door To Door Wails

In order to quicken the pace of generating funds for the first KLK Project, the KLKillahs has empowered Praba to get down into the heartlands to spread the cheer and pocket the dough. It was no surprise that in a nation where you can't have a decent meal without getting fined for smoking beyond the yellow box and without being accosted by 2 for $20 salesmen that he faced some annoyances at the doorsteps he turned up at.
Read on:

Today, I state rules.

Rules that you really should abide by when you see praba at your doorstep. You'd have probably known by now that I am selling vinaayagar plates for charity. So apart from trying to sell them online, I also do door to door visits to try and sell the plates. Sad to say, I come across the most strangest people living in singapore while working. Some of the questions that they pose, I'd say is worth a slap. I've done this door to door bullshit far too many times and I am not in any way impressed with the replies/reactions I get. What's wrong with the KLKommunity these days?

Rule 1: Do NOT open the door, put your finger in your lips, and gimme a strange look like I killed your family. If your grandmother has eyesight problems, attach binoculars to her. Or else, blindfold her and keep her tied in your storeroom.

Rule 2: Please stop yelling to your husband/boyfriend/fling "There's an indian boy here!" Crazy women, why the hell you shouting for? What am I? A terrorist? You just say someone is here. Stop adding the words "indian boy" to remind me that I fall under the minority and you think i'm more prone to do some "block shopping" then to sell you

Rule 3: If I tell you the name of the charitable organization, and it sounds very indian, do not ask me "Is that an indian thing?" Does ramakrishnan mission sound any chinese or malay to you? Where're you from? Zimbabwe?

Rule 4: If you don't wanna buy, say so. I've got many places to go to. Stop asking me if the plate was painted in thailand by a transsexual or whether it was transported by a bullock cart to singapore or have we paid our taxes. Ask me questions ONLY IF it affects the factors of you buying it. You mean to say you'd only buy the plates if they were coloured by crayons? You wouldn't like it if I were to ask you what sized undergarments your daughter wears to find out how old she is would you?

Rule 5: Stop asking me questions outta the blue. I am not there to make friends with you and add you up on MSN. I have a job to do. I don't care if you squat and shit on your plant to fertilize it or whether you recycle your toilet water to fertilize it. Your soil is not my toil. I is least bothered. So the next time, don't ask me what is the best fertilizer to use. When in doubt, pour some kerosene and set your rose plant ablaze. It looks worse than your wife anyway.

Rule 6: Peepholes. If I were to knock on your door, please open the door to listen to me. Do not check me out from the peephole for the next thirty minutes all the way till I walk off. The next time round, if you're looking through a peephole and you see something dark, RUN! That's the barrel of ma brand new M16. You can get anything these days at Sungei Road didn't you know?

Rule 7: Keep away from me that maid of yours. Especially if she only knows how to say the words "I dunno". I will slap the shit outta her back to where she hailed from. And even if your maid happens to be indian, try and stop her indian slangs. I will snap a shot for the next KLK Profile issue. And so, I do not wish to hear the words "Yaaro Vanthiruka-her" I am not a 'her'! I is a 'him'.

Rule 8: When I am talking, you do not answer me together with your entire family. One at a time please. I know my ears are big. But they're not that big till your family can play 'kabadi' inside. But the interesting thing here is, when they all speak that bloody fast and they all do it so synchronized like as if they do it to everyone, it sounds like a song! Try it with a friend when you're free.

Rule 9: I am 20 donkey years old. Stop asking your 7 year old kid, who gives me that gay smile, to converse with me while your wife lies like a hippo in front of the TV and you're lying on her beer belly. What the fuck did she swallow? A microwave oven? And was it the sound of Sun TV that I heard playing in the background while your son was giving me a gay smile? I'll set your house on fire. [What did Starhub give you Channel 28 for, everyone, kin, dial 1633, order it!]

Rule 10: When someone knocks on your door, be it your friend/enemy/loanshark, attend to them neatly. If your hair is long enough to sweep the floor while walking and they're curlier than curly fries, tie it up. Unless of course you're just getting ready for the "Kurukkeh Vantha Theivam" remix music video auditions.

Rule 11: How in the world do you sneak in a panda bear to your house? Oh, you mean to say that was a dog? Bloody keep it refrigerated in the fridge jackass. I do not wanna be intimidated when I am talking. But, of course, if that was a cheat code to chase me away, kudos!

So let me just end it off here. I was reading the newpaper today bout this woman who splashes urine on her neighbour's doors. That made me come up with a KLKonclusion.

I carry along with me, a paper where the donor's name is taken down to say a "Thank You" on behalf of the rest of us and to keep them updated on the Project. But from tomorrow onwards, when I am hitting the blocks, I am gonna carry along an extra piece of paper with the heading "Addresses of people whose door I should splash some 'holy water' at".

P.S. We know you love to tag. Tag all you want. If you aren't out of your own internal identity crisis and seemingly forgot your name, go with Anonymous. It's ok. But please, don't utilize our name to tag elsewhere. Please stay clear of any of our own nicks or the moniker "KLK" when tagging across the blogosphere. We figure it's all about professional courtesy.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

KLK Visits Utsav 2006

That's KLK in handsigns, you blind bat!

The KLKillahs decided to visit Utsav Deepavali Street Parade 2006 last weekend and through our avid members of the KLKlan and KLKonning talents managed to snag an exclusive invite to the backstage portions of the event. Here we produce our KLKlandestine Invite for proof [all images were uploaded in a tiny size for readability, feel free to right click and open in new tab / new window to view them in their original dimensions]:

This was not the only KLKoup we manged for the night. More of that later. For starters, due to our penchant for YIndian timing, the KLKillahs arrived on the scene a good half an hour after proceedings had begun. The good seats had already been taken and the crowds had thronged the fronts of the barricades to catch a glimpse of the early items. By good seats we don't mean invitation only stadium bleachers and tentages but balancing precariously ontop of barricades, on the roof of lorries and other elevated vehicles and from the windows of the surrounding residential units. We were very depressed that many foreign workers had already procured such VVIP seats but still we didn't let that dampen our mood.

What we couldn't figure out was if the barriers were meant to keep out human beings, what the hell was this 2-wheeler doing there? Keep out a bulldozer? Or some crazed maniac attempting to ram the barriers down with his Bajaj Pulsar to get to his equally crazed KLK girlfriend because "Good kudumba kuthuvilakkus shouldn't dance in public"?

Nevertheless, KLKillahs attempted to utilize ah_neh's height and Praba's ability to locate lobangs in the crowd to snap a few mugshots of Veerapandiya Kattabomban.

As we proceeded on our recce of the area, we also spotted a few good Samaritans who are doing a good service to the YIndian society by filling their stomachs and quenching their thirst. First up, the Utsav Food Stall run by volunteers from Mariamman Temple.

Next, presenting the oasis in the desert, every KLK events front-running sponsor, Tiger Beer. Tiger Girl not included free with every can purchased.

Tiger Girl turned her back on realizing we were capturing them photographically. It worked out for the better because her back was much more attractive than her front. No wonder there was no queue at this outlet.

We decided to show off our photography pan-the-KLKamera techniques by showing you the lighting that spans Race Course Road. And of course, due some insider tipoff about a bullock cart being featured in one of the items, we went to look for that 4 legged slave that would be pulling the cart. The picture was taken just before Praba went for a joyride on the featured bull. Needless to say, twenty stitches and three pints of blood loss later, he won't be wanting to "ride" anything or anyone anytime soon.

We are always on the lookout for new talent. And these three sisters dressed in matching outfits were swiftly recruited into the KLKlan. They gamely prodded us to take a picture of them although we were more interested in the stilt walkers before us. Still, for the sake of that devilish diva on the extreme left, we had to. She had flair, that young wun.

We weren't quite sure where we had seen these old Chinese men complete with cowboy hats and band instruments. Though after a few minutes of inspired discussion we were KLKonfirm - chop - guarantee they definitely had ample experience to perform after all the Chinese hearses they've followed behind playing.

To avoid keeping you in too much suspense, KLKillahs is proud to present its second KLKoup of the night. Yes, this blog has had much viewership with all youse lusting over our precise, surgeon-like incisions on the whole Miss Vasantham saga. Miss V finalists also had an item in Utsav and we were most interested to crash the participants' holding area to ambush the contestants using our procured invitation.

What they didn't know prior to our arrival was that we had 1 KLKillah sitting, schmoozing and observing each and everyone of them upclose and personal. Yes, the KLKillahs had enough foresight to send in our very own Eshvanya to lead the contingent in their parade. Esh and KLKlan ally Shini, under strict confidentiality agreements, managed to infiltrate the contingent and serve as their fore-runners by holding the banner for the contingent. As the KLKillahs pride ourselves on being masters of irony, behold the photographic evidence, we are ALWAYS two steps ahead [literally too]. What can we say, we love to lead the way.

The back shot. Race Course still has no idea of the KLKillah invasion.

Shini with hands on hips going "WTH, start la start la!".
Esh going "Damn that ah_neh, make me hold banner, it's time to KLKick ass!"

However, we would like to thank all the Miss V girls for gamely posing for this group shot. Whether or not you knew we were KLKillahs, it was a nice gesture and we thank you. Praba of course managed to un-flash a flash-equipped KLKamera and thus we are only left with this one good shot. Enjoy.

The Miss V girls were also hot property with the crowd. It was wolf-whistles galore.

To view the rest of the photos unpublished here, get to our Flickr HERE. We also have videos of the Miss V girls getting it on for the crowd, get to our YouTube HERE for Part 1 of 6. Use, search user's videos to get to the other parts. Each part is only a coupla seconds long because some members of the KLKlan, not us, conveniently forgot how to work high technology like a 3G phone.

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