Saturday, September 30, 2006


To mark the pre-Sunday release of the new eliminations thus cutting the girls down to the final 12, the results of the poll that you have voted in. Some of you have voted tons just to get the point across. Alas, we hope it will not be in vain.

The outright winner of cos is Rafi. In his valiant attempts to emulate "Shades" from The Wonders, Rafi has finally got to top of ONE popularity contest. We love him so much, we've all sworn off daytime 96.8 FM which is switched on 24 hours in any good Indian home. In conjunction with Sun TV of course.

Elamaran finished a far second with Rafi thrashing him with almost double of the votables. So, we presume all the Liverpool jerseys have done him good and lent him a high street cred. We've always wondered, must an Indian bloke in Singapore ONLY swear allegiance to either of the 2 "Red" teams?

Sunita and Najip, nuff said. Maybe to be a better KLK you need less Thumper, more Asoka, less hair accessories, more piercings, less hats, more bandannas. Don't worry, you'll get there some day. And we'll see you through it.

For the rest of youse, stay tuned, come back everyday, spread the word and we'll try not to dissapoint with our take on Indian satire with every post. A new poll will be out in a bit too. Watch out for that.

Friday, September 29, 2006

Kalinga Trilogy - Part 2

Carrying off from Shanmugam: The Kalinga Trilogy - Part 1 in May 2005, observant viewers would notice that this was the play that was forced to be renamed from its original title of "The Keling Kia Trilogy". Truth be told, the main drive of detractors were not even Indians. However, it is a very good production going by the likes of the first one. Below are the relevant details. KLKillahs recommends it. Support the local scene. Support local artistes.

"An all-around winner!" – The Straits Times

"A drama that made one laugh and think at the same time." – Tamil Murasu

Written and directed by Vadi PVSS. A play that uses cinematic theatre concept to highlight the life of the Tamils during the trying times of Singapore's early development.

The Separation starts from 1946, immediately after the war. It continues the story of Letchumi and the trials and tribulations she experiences right up to the separation of Singapore and Malaysia in 1965. The Separation is the second installment of Trilogy but this production stands alone. Even without knowledge of the first part, audience can still enjoy the performance.

Anyone with a keen interest in Singapore's history and unique culture will not want to miss this journey into the country's past – from the citizenship drive in the 1950s by the Indian community to the emotionally charged 1964 racial riots, from ugly incidents like the Hock Lee Bus riots to the Maria Hertogh controversy.

Separation: The Kalinga Trilogy promises to have the audiences at the edge of their seats. Like Shanmugam: The Kalinga Trilogy, which was staged to packed audiences in May 2005 and was nominated for Best Script and Best Ensemble at 2006 Life! Theatre Awards, Separation will once again be performed by Miror Theatre.

Performed in English.
(105 mins)

Ticket Pricing: $25, Schools can use the Singapore Tote Board subsidy of 60% for students

Show Dates: 9-11 November 2006

Venue: Esplanade Theatres Studio

Time: 8 pm (2 shows only on the 11th, one more at 3 pm)

Ticket Sales: Call 93842037, Buy direct from SISTIC, Esplanade website

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Wednesday, September 27, 2006

KLKruelty to Kats

The KLKillahs recently have identified another problem that has plagued mankind for quite some time. The notion that some people think they are superior to pets and animals in general. Of course, no one is going to offer up a fist fight to that snow tiger you see at Mandai Zoo, yet it is of great "pleasure" for some to display acts of cruelty onto beings that can't speak for themselves. These beings are usually too domesticated to fight back.

We feature one such KLK who thought it all so fun:

In case you missed the image on the clip, here's the photo-op:

When we got this clip, we thought, let's get this fella. We have the power of the internet. Yet, it seems some other animal lovers have beat us to it.

Read all about it in The New Paper story today here: KITTY KICK AND CLICK SPARKS OUTRAGE

Try and get to this link fast cos it won't stay at the same site for long and you might have to pay a fee to access their archives.

For any further acts of cruelty you might notice or want someone to take action for, call the SPCA. The punishment for cruelty to animals is a fine not exceeding $10,000 or to imprisonment for a term not exceeding 12 months or to both.

If you are contacting them regarding an emergency (ie. injured, very sick or very young animals or involving animal cruelty), please call the 24 hour hotline immediately at 6287-5355 ext 9. Otherwise, head on to their website at SPCA.

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Chain Letter - Part 1

You open your e-mail inbox these days, some of you have 3-4 and when you get recurrent chain mails regarding the same subject albeit from different sources it can get on your nerves. One of the main categories is the "You know you are..." series. You know you are Singaporean / Indian / Asian / Gay / an MSN addict / gonna die soon.

Today, I want to tear one of these to shreds, my only consolation being that it didn't end with "If you don't forward this to 24124 other idiots, someone might creep up from beneath your bed and castrate you tonight". Bear in mind, apparently every pointer is supposed to clear without doubt that you are INDIAN.

You are an Indian if...
Part 1 - Food

1. Everything you eat is savored in garlic, onion and tomatoes.

[These are vital ingredients to not only Indian cooking, but Asian cooking in general. Watch more Yan Can Cook for proof.]

2. You try to eject food particles from between your teeth by pressing your tongue against them and making a peculiar noise like,tshick,tshick, tschick, tschick.

[Ah boh. This is part of the musical inclination of being Indian. Just like it's in our genes to drum out a rhythm on hard wood tables, we can also attempt some a capella with our tongue and teeth. To add to this, at a Chinese restaurant, the toothpicks are on the table. At an Indian one however, the toothpicks are at the counter where you pay the bill. Who wants to be picking their teeth when the middle aged auntie is attempting to swipe your already overloaded Mastercard and you have an irritating chicken piece wedged between your molars.]

3. You take Indian snacks anywhere it says "No Food Allowed"

[Don't be daft. They also put "No Outside Food Allowed" at Chomp Chomp. Do you really see a bunch of blokes munching their crunchy murukku or dropping laddu pieces all over WHILE attacking that BBQ Stingray? They even sell kacang putih over at the cinemas now. Most of them at least.]

4. You buy and display crockery, which is for special occasions, which never happens.

[It does. Once a year. Deepavalli. Or Onam, or Vesakhi or any of the other major festivals Indians celebrate. Still, it's true, crockery need not be displayed unless its 14th century china found in the tomb of some old emperor]

5. You keep leftover food in your fridge in as many numbers of bowls as possible.

[Never waste food. There are many hungry mouths in other parts of the world. If you're Asian, you've definitely heard this one before.]

6. Your kitchen shelf is full of jam jars, varieties of bowls and plastic utensils (got free with some household items).

[Recycling is an integral part of our culture. It teaches us thrift. I can't stress this point enough. Do we all remember that movie scene where left over idlis were mashed up to make uppuma? The mail did forget the microwavable plastic containers some shops give you when you ta pau. We save those in my house too. Cos, we've finally caught on to the idea that glass cannot be microwaved.]

7. You carry a stash of your own food whenever you travel (and travel means any car ride longer than 15 minutes).

[Food is essential to living. A pity anorexic models don't understand this. The next time you're stuck in an hour long jam on the CTE, you'd really wish you had some Twisties to accompany you. A hungry man makes an angry man makes a road rash warrior.]

8. You own a rice cooker or a pressure cooker.

[Who doesn't own one? That's how you get rice cooked dickhead.]

9. You fight over who pays the dinner bill.

[We fight over it. But we don't want to pay it. Do us a favour, next time just take out your credit card first. Instead of grabbing the bill and scrutinizing if every item added up correctly and later having a 10 minute bitch fest on how they're "daylight robberizing" with their service charge.]

10. All your Tupperware is stained with food color.

[Manjal thul, Milagai thul are essential to the preparation of any Indian dish. IF it's stained, clean it. Eat at Apollo's one day to find out what is real staining. I've heard rumours of entire coats of nail polish going missing in their fish curry rice.]

11. You have drinking glasses made of steel.

[I don't. But I think you should. Indians love throwing things when they quarrel. Glass will break and shatter and might hurt you. Steel will just be steel. Let's all switch to old-school steel. Lakshmi Mittal will be quite happy.]

12. If you don't live at home, when your parents call, they ask if you've eaten, even if it's midnight.

[Asian dude. All Asians enquire on your dietary habits. It's a sign of good manners and sure beats having to stick with mundane hello. Our forefathers when meeting others devised this great line so that when they say "No" you can chide them for not eating on time and when they go "Yes" you can also get into a huge ass discussion on why the food they ate is unhealthy. Mac Dees saw enough potential in this line to run a whole ad campaign with it as the tagline.]

13. You don't use measuring cups when cooking

[That's just anal retentive. Will you stop cooking if you spilled just a drop too much of coconut milk? Get with the program. All measuring elements are henceforth like this: One handful, half your hand, a "little" bit. 5 seconds pouring, 3 seconds pouring, pour a "little" bit. You're done when you see it boiling and also can smell it from the living room while watching Sun TV / on the phone gossiping / tinkering with some furniture.]

14. You have a vinyl tablecloth on your kitchen table.

[I do too. A kitchen table is never bought to look good. That's a dining table. You don't do cutting, blending, grinding on your chic dining table do you? So, the vinyl is there to protect the wood from looking like a serial axe murderer had got there before you.]

There you have it. It's always good to have food start the ball rolling. We are massive eaters. We eat with our fingers only when we're at home or paying the bill. If it's a free wedding dinner, our entire palms help to mould the rice into little balls. And you wonder why chopsticks never caught on with Yindians.

Stay tuned for Part 2.

Monday, September 25, 2006

KLKribs - AMK

Ang Mo Kio.

The new town and its abbreviation AMK is one of the mainstays in the history of our young nation and will never be confused or mistaken for any other. For starters, the new town is made famous by playing host to the biggest politician of the country, the Prime Minister. Yes, even the Men In White have understood that planting their feet firmly here can only do good for their political future. The advent of the name already literally describes a white man [ang moh] and a bridge [kio].

The very first MRT stations open were from Yio Chu Kang to Toa Payoh, such is the glamour and prestige of this town. AMK is also known for its high concentration of ethnic citizens. When anyone speaks about areas with a large number of congregating Yindians, definitely AMK and Yishun are the first towns to get thrown into the fray. Things are a lot different now. But it didn't use to be that way back in the old days.

AMK used to be the headquarters for many triad activites back in the old days. This was when secret societies literally called the shots on what went on and what didn't. As much as a very community-based town, it was also quite feared. Outsiders tend not to spend more time than necessary over here. [Info gathered from conversing with ALL the old ah peks who like stout with red bull like me].

AMK is very structured. Instead of all the fancy Anglified names like Rivervale, Compassvale and what not. We work on avenues. Ave 1 has blocks numbered in the 100 series, Ave 2 has blocks numbered in the 200 series and so on. The only exceptions are that Ave 4 is nowhere near blocks 400+ and Ave 10, by far the most famous/notorious avenue of them all, lends its numerical claim to only the industrial buildings that are aptly numbered 1000+. It is NOT an easy task to get lost in AMK.

Apart from having a hospital, swimming complex, stadium and other basic facilities, in AMK you can find the greatest mix of people anywhere else. From first to third generation Singaporeans, expatriates of all walks of life and foreign labourers. The reason? We have 1-room all the way to 5-room flats sprinkled across the town, both rental/lease/bought, even a new condominium and serviced apartments. In every block, there are at least 5 Indian families. Whatever festival rolls around, you know its around just by spotting the oil lamps, streamers and running lights outside the houses.

Perhaps when you only want to look at it in an Indian viewpoint, one thing that would always be burnt into your memory would be the old bus interchange. It has since been knocked down and relocated to make way for the massive new mall, that took ages to arrive in any case. Like the 855 bus queue in Yishun, the AMK ones were also heavily utilized for the same purposes.

Anyone who didn't live just opposite their school would HAVE to pass through the interchange. The hometown girls would arrive on the feeder buses and get off at the common alighting bay; thus one group of boys always sat at the "24" bus bay which directly overlooked that section. The out of town girls took the 166, 135 and 25 buses to get home and thus, those bus bays were also very popularly colonized. The interchange became the focal point of the town, to the point where people who DIDN'T have to pass through it ended up doing so anyway, just to partake in the daily festivities.

The daily "festival" of course encompassed the harassing of girls [some who loved the attention anyhow], the staring down at "rival" groups [usually just a secondary school vs. secondary school thing], the planning of the daily excursions and basically to meet people who you wouldn't otherwise meet as regularly. In turn, the cops also made it a point to "regularly" come by hoping to catch underaged smokers, truant players and thugs.

Though many regard AMK as some Indian haven where the boys must be up to no good, there is a massive Malay and Chinese influence on the town too. We have our Malay presence under most void decks, street soccer courts and parks. They usually play their footy, work their guitar or fuss over their motorcycles. The Bengs are often seen around AMK Central and th coffeeshops near their place. Contrary to public belief, you're more likely to find career men winding down after a long day of work with their beer and nuts rather than ruffians drumming on tables and creating conflicts.

And yet, no matter how rowdy, how gregarious, how mofo-ish any of the behaviours observed are; you will never ever come across a born and raised Ang Mo Kio boy who says this place sucks. [I've shifted house only once in my life. And that was only 20 blocks down. AMK to AMK] That's how fiercely protective of our boundaries the residents are. Just to add, AMK stretches all the way to the junction before Lentor to the junction outside Pierce Reservoir. You can call it YCK, you can say it's Upper Thomson Road, but we know. We know it's all still AMK.

Continuing on, some of you might have heard of some who declare, quite loudly at some KLKlubs that the only true expansion of the abbreviation AMK is "Always Mafia Kingdom". Kingdom? Maybe. It's very easy to spot outsiders in this town. Mafia? Doesn't it add to the mystery of it all? You can find many a character in AMK.

From the spruced up 14 footer lorries decked with spoilers, stickers and "mee siam" along the undercarriage, to the incessant pounding of the void-deck table tennis table to the tune of Surangani. From the leg-up on chair, beer drinking uncles to the housewives who work their ass out for 12 hours in the night shift. From the shirtless, sweat drenched soccer players to the shoot the hoops till the lights go out basketballers. From, the menacing looks to the "help an old man cross the road" good Samaritans.

But no matter how much KLKrap you think is running through this place:

1. Don't let the tattoo-ed Chinese fool you into thinking they're all degenerate. We're a highly literate town. Check the statistics. And look at the schools we hold. Anderson Secondary, Anderson JC, Nanyang Poly, Ang Mo Kio Secondary, all famous for something or the other in their own right.

2. Don't think too lowly of the motorbike tinkering Malay dudes. It takes a full time job to fork out the monthly instalments and servicings. Are you gainfully employed?

3. Don't make the sore error of underestimating any of the Yindians, lorries with over-the-top decorations and all, fashion faux pas and all, drumming of tables and all, swiggin their beer and all. It takes time, money and discipline to actually run your own delivery contracts and if a man around here can handle his own shit and family then he has my respect. KLK or not.

I guess if you were expecting some ultra-neo-Nazi Blitzkreig attempt on this KLKribs entry you would have been sorely dissapointed. It all boils down to the fact that you are never ghetto unless you truly behave ghetto and Ang Mo Kio is NOT a ghetto.

However, if you have any other interesting anecdote or episode that occurred within the boundaries of AMK and you'd like to share it with us, either include it in the comments section or drop me a mail. I'll tag it on to the bottom of this entry.

Also, Culture Q n A Part 2 will be up soon but keep your questions coming anyhow. It is an ongoing process. With no limitations on what you can ask. Click here to get to the form.

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Miss Vasantham - 5th Elimination

Ok, the 5th cut. This time, I didn't even get to catch much of it. So, I shall review only the portions I did manage to. And to all of you who ended up at Revolution night, shame on you. People put live show for you to NOT watch ah. At least I had a legitimate reason; beer.

Attempting to be systematic with it all, let's for a moment recollect what our dear host opened the show with. As with the other live shows, it seems that national tv is a platform he likes to voice his opinion. Paraphrasing cos I can't recall the actual words: "It's easy to sit behind computer screens and type, but not easy is to get up on stage and parade. These girls look cold [jillu] but they have a lot of courage [thillu]".

I geddit I geddit. You mean us don't you? Yes, us, just 1 site launched into the vastness of cyberspace which has approximately 21 billion sites and growing each second. Why is this all so personal? And why the need to respond via inserting your thoughts into your script? Could it be that you falsely assumed our one aim in life is to comment on your show? If that were the case, trust me you, the URL would read: We are "The Home of Singapore Indian Satire", and since aforementioned pageant is Singaporean AND Indian in nature, it has become our offshoot for the Sept-Oct season. And more to come.

Still, I believe a compliment is due where it is deserved. The host of this programme, although not seamless like Seacrest on Idol, does a very good job with it. Especially, when dealing with the intricacies of time during a live telecast. At some times, the judges keep rattling on, but he makes it a point to make everyone say their piece short and sharp. It's great hosting, in my book. He is in control. As should all hosts be. I've gone for enough events where the host has no clue what comes next to know that hosting is far beyond just holding the mike and announcing the next name.

Is it just me or did all the judges look a tad bit mellow? Sunita was dressed really well, back to beauty queen roots instead of toying with her Mysore Maharani phase last week. I guess no amount of prodding is ever going to make Rafi NOT wear his shades. And since Asia Bagus, if Najip has to be applauded for one thing, it's his fine taste for headwear.

So, you know the drill. They came, they twirled, they left. About the only interesting thing in the ensuing Q n A portion was that Indra's tats came into the picture. If you hadn't already realized like some other fervent viewers (and I got this off someone else's blog), she has a barb wire round one of her fingers, and that one around the navel and of course the rest is tactfully hidden. She is getting hotter week after week this girl. Of course, the tats simply upped her cool quotient, though any other old school KLK would have gone "tsk tsk". She is has our support.

Faz was smokin hot! They were dead right bout that one, the whole "girl next door" turns "elegant woman". Kas dissapointed today with her indecisive demeanour. Anita, no two ways bout it. A girl who can talk like that is destined for the finals. Jamuna as usual, you ask her one thing she replies you with something unrelated. Ironic that Maran was the one who praised her for her "teeth-hair" answer the last time around, but he was the one who caught her out in the "you aint even answering the goddamn question" rout this time round.

The "Talent" round was truly a tad bit more creative and I was glad it lasted longer than the 10 second chop-off segments that were shown previously. The ladies generally picked a theme before hand, got a costume, and were meant to dance appropriately to their choice of music.

Always with the flair to pull off something unusual, I think Kas did well with that whole Venezuelan "get up" [costume in India speak]. Those feathers, many an ostrich would have had to donate to make up that whole costume. And boy oh boy, could the cowgirl get any hotter. It's stuff like this that make you wanna "Wait a minute, is that who we think it is?". Anita managed to break out of her homely kudumba kuthuvilakku cocoon and whip up a frenzy. Pun intended. There was some girl who did "Buttons" by PCD, but I really can't recall who it was. I think the only reason Jamuna stayed was cos she managed to plug it all Indiano-style. Sari and music and some moves, some furling and unfurling of the sari. You know we're suckas for culture. I personally thought the choice of costume and music that Ghayathri did was quite good. We had earlier predicted she should be out last week, but her performance in that slot was quite redeeming.

But overall, a very "clean" show if you will. No real outbursts of hilarity. No real stupid answers. No walking oxymorons. Perhaps this pageant is like the proverbial teenager, now finally maturing into the classy event it was billed to be.

So, end result, Ghayathri is out. Prasanna is out. Not really a shocker. Both ladies didnt really fight their case well if you will. Didn't really give anyone a good enough reason to say "Well, I think I wanna see more of what you can do". Farewell.

On a late note, Vasantham Central has finally updated their website. I think it was up for a few days. The plain "X" on the photos of the girls who are already out has been replaced with an "Eliminated" stamp. Hang on a minute, who did you get THAT idea from? There are also updates on more photos from the show under the "Photos" tab. A good way to collect images on your fav girls since they are all categorized by the individual contestants. Alas, even with such an improvement, they couldn't shy away from their attempt at "coolness" by naming their picture archives with the header "Pixxy Archival". See, Pixies are mythical creatures and you really should hire some other webmaster, one who is not prone to "cutesy", "kawaii" tendencies.

As last night was a double show, i.e. Group 1 was live and Group 2 was pre-recorded, KLKillahs is already aware of who is knocked out next week too. But, we don't want to release spoilers, it's quite taboo in the digital world of programme reviews and recaps. The KLK team is pondering attending the finals of the series, we'd better check first if we're already banned. If you're keen to join us, drop us an e-mail. There is also an informal bet system on the remaining girls to predict the winner. If you want to INFORMALLY have a one-on-one wager, do contact us too and we'll let you know how to go about it.

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Thursday, September 21, 2006

KLKribs - Yishun

Hey, I'm Esh and I'm on a mission to bring to attention the hometowns of the KLK population, where resides a proliferation of the typical Yindians. Aptly named KLKribs, let's begin with our first destination.

Set foot upon the blessed soil of Yishun, turn in any direction and it won't be hard to miss a KLK walking in his gangster fashion, it makes me think he's probably trying to air his armpits from the perspiration this heat is causing.

To all my ladies in the house, if for some reason, you're making the decision to step into this famed nation of KLKs, a word of caution to you. For if you are a female specimen, walking the streets of Yishun, you may be attracting the attention of these KLK mofos. Walk down the stretch of the bus interchange, when you don't see one of these typical Yindians, that's when it's strange. Take special notice of the 855 stop, you'll see them on the railings-that's their hot spot. Make a pass through that path and you can see them doing their thing, clad in their fake blings and things, at you they'd be whistling.

Having to walk that way almost every other day, let me share with you what i usually do. The moment i see them and before they notice me, it becomes my natural reaction to whip out my handphone and pretend to be engaged in a deep conversation. Try as they may to attract your attention, its easier to get past when you are blatantly ignorant. Just remember: put your handphone on silent, to save you from an embarassment should your phone ring in the midst of your pretension.

To all the guys, you might wanna get something to cover your eyes for two reasons. For one, if you even decide to look their way, these KLKs will assume you're staring so they'll give you a little glaring and if you don't avert your glance fast enough, count on a confrontation that could cause a commotion. Another reason being with the KLK girls that you are seeing, you need to be protecting your eyesight from the eyesore that they are giving. Clad in their red/black ensemble with their leopard print pouches and accessories, it makes you wonder if they had lost their combs with their hair let down all long and frizzy.

Be warned, if you look at these KLK chicks for long, they'll whip out their handphones (with red and black casing) and give their makkal boyfriends a ring to report that you are staring. For once, these KLKs break the rule of the Tamilan timing and within minutes you'd be able to see them walking, their arms swinging, you see them approaching you and you know trouble's brewing.

So hoping to get away as fast as you can, you head in the direction of Yishun GV where you'd see the KLKs queueing to catch the latest movie. They'll come early to buy the tix, then head to BK or LJ to lepak and look out for chicks. Even if they get there an hour before the movie, they'll make it a point to saunter into the theatre very much later than everyone else. And if you asked them, "Enna aachi?" They'll proudly proclaim "Tamilan timing la machi!" The movie begins and you hope to watch it in peace but these KLK mofos will never let you do so. Whistling during song scenes, jeering at snide remarks and laughing out too loud when the comedy isn't even funny. During your three hours in the theatre, you wonder whether to watch the movie in front of you or to complain about the KLKoothu that happens in the row behind you.

After the movie, the different groups will disperse about the neighbourhood heading to nearby void-decks and coffeeshops for what I'd like to call their makkal meetings. It is only at these makkal meetings that you can see KLKs drinking way before evening comes around. Amidst the bottles on the table with the Tiger beer label you'd see only one pack of cigarettes. There'd be ten of them there but at any one time they'll only have one cigarette to share. These KLKs will pollute the air without a care but conserve their ciggies because they are KLKancha Pisunaris.

Wanting to avoid the possibility of coming across a fault-finding KLK at the interchange you decide to take the train. You thought you'll be spared but think again, especially if you are heading towards the famed last cabin because that's where the KLKs board the train. You thought you could escape them mofos but think again, they could be following you through to your destination.

Editor: I is liking. And at certain portions, she actually rhymes :) Welcome Esh.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Cultures - Fact and Fiction Q&A (Part 1)

Hello, my name is Aresha, and this is my first post on KLKillahs. hurhur.

Although some of you might stereotype KLKs to be coconut-oiled, bullock-cart-riding girls in sarees/dhotis or loin cloths, most of us have grown to forget our village roots and have started to buy 5 kg packs of rice from NTUC instead of growing our own paddy fields in our backyards.

Note: Although some of us still have that legendary Karuveppillai (curry leaf) plant hidden in some obscure corner of the house and the Thulasi plant growing in our front foyers. For the misunderstanding spice-unsavvy chinese folk, Curry leaves are also used in your cooking - it's called 'Diao liao jiu li xiang' so stfu. Melayus don't count in this clarification because you are all closet bollywood bootlegs.

This Fact and Fiction series plans to address all sorts of stereotypes. I welcome issues on all kinds of Indians (thosai or chapatis) and all other races - whether you can play the tabla, er-hu or kompang.

Since there are 1.3 billion Chinese, 350 million Malays and 1.2 billion Indians in the world, we might as well all get along, copulate, and standardise the Asian race to a beige one, or at least work hand in hand to take over the world. We'll Win. Really. Just ask Russell Peters.

Just send your misconceptions to or use the annonymous form to submit your own little gripes and strange questions about anything and I will save the day with some form of explanation as to why it's rubbish, and if its true.

I won't condone any personal or seditious attacks so expect a 'slap from a large trout' if you're out to create an online riot.

Ok so, for the first edition of Fact or Fiction, I've done a little 'guerrilla street questioning' to start the ball rolling.

Q1. Why do some Indians smell funny? Is it because of Ghee? - Gary

Ah, the age old question. For starters, don't get the little green QBB ghee can involved because it's just a poorly packaged form of clarified butter. It's got nothing to do with the smell.

I think the smell most people refer to are the strong whiffs you get on a Sunday while roaming around Bugis or anywhere remotely close to Serangoon Road. I feel you, I get it too. I believe its a mix of 'diet' and 'coconut oil'.

Yes, coconut oil in the hair can be disgusting, but its a really good natural conditioner. Like ten tons of brylcream, us local singapore indians don't really do that because we know its not cool to look or smell like we just ran 50kms on a hot sunday afternoon.

It's usually the foreign workers that do so - and it really isn't their fault because they're different people in different cultures don't see why it's weird because it's the norm back in their home country. They also cook with a certain oil that makes them have a certain distinct smell - because you are what you eat. Just like how we stink like death due to alcohol and cigarettes when we go to a club, but yet we don't realise it.

Q2. Why do Indians and Malays like to sit down and drum on tables and dustbins? - Annonymous

Because, they're musically inclined and it's something in our cultures that enforce 'communal' activities and 'community' development. I encourage everyone to bring down their drum sticks and bang away on anything nearby (as long as it isn't on someone's head or car).

If it isn't your thing, remember that you're not that glamourous when you turn up at the National Day Parade banging away on sticks on the cues of Gurmit Singh. ;)

It's just a different setting. It doesn't matter wether you do it during a jam session in a studio or sing to yourself in the bathroom - some just like to break into a jam session while out with their friends. It's nothing signature. Look at football around the world, everybody does it. Just because you don't doesn't mean it's not COOL.

Q3. Why do South Indian girls like to wear bright blue eyeshadow? - Ajay

Egad. DO they? I've never really noticed. But babes, if you do, STOP IT! We've all been victim to the great make up disaster, and yes, with tanned/dark skin, I feel your pain. But you're not really solving the problem by slopping a 2cm thick layer of foundation and eyeshadow for it to show.

Solution: MAC! I swear by it. Or Bobbi Brown. Gone are the days when you need to use half a shadow-palette for anything to show. Even though it costs $30 a pot, you use so little that it's SO worth the money. I remember trying so hard to find the perfect cosmetic solution to my ugly face, I went everywhere - getting shit makeovers by so many make-up counters. Till a lovely lady at MAC did me. Stop looking like a getai singer and head on down to your nearest MAC counter.. NOW! The boys will love you.

Q4. Why do modern Indians act like 'black' people and listen to R&B? - Tan

Wow. Hmm. It's probably like how lots of Chinese girls and boys love the Japanese culture, neoprints and all. I've met scores of Chinese and Malay friends who do the same - R&B is the MTV Culture.

I guess the concentration in racial ratios stand out because there are only 7% of Indians in the Singapore population, so naturally you'd think that for that token Indian, he's a limping Dr Dre wannabe.

Most people grow out of that stage once they go out into the workforce. They will realize that du-rags, FUBU jerseys and jeans hanging off their arse with timberland boots doesn't really bring you bling and 'bitches/hoes'. In fact, I've never understood the term 'hoes' - A hoe is a garden rake, and a whore is a prostitute. It isn't cool to call girls prostitutes as opposed to garden rakes.

Q5. Why do the Chinese use chopsticks? It's silly. - Annonymous

Uh. Chopsticks are a utensil. Just like how the fork and spoon can be equally ridiculous contraptions. Chopsticks are not just a Chinese thing. It's used in Korea, Vietnam and Japan. In fact the Japanese have a martial art involving chopsticks called hashijutsu. And in China, they believed that if your food was poisoned, your metal chopsticks would turn black.

But the point of chopsticks really, is because in certain Asian regions, they use a much starchier, stickier version of rice. Indica rice (less sticky) was used in the Western and Curry-influenced regions whereas, Japonica rice (very sticky) was used in China, Japan, Vietnam and Korea. So the best way to pick it up was with the practicality of the chopsticks. Also, the fact that noodles were a vital part of their culture. It really isn't that pretty a sight to eat your noodles with a fork, innit?

And with that, I conclude the first edition of Fact and Fiction Q&A - this will not appear again unless you readers start to contribute questions here so, start contributing!


Editors Note: To all KLKomputer-kuckoo nuts, all the text in red are links. You MAY and SHALL click them. Or else you'd have no idea what the phuck just went on up above. Thank you those who have kicked off the intiative with your questions. Keep them KLKoming.

Sunday, September 17, 2006

Miss Vasantham - 4th Elimination

So, it's like the 4th elimination already? 8 girls down. 16 more to go. Show 6 of 12. Imagine, a pageant running for 12 episodes. If it was marketed as a reality show complete with behind the scenes camera action, bitching and cat fighting, it would have made a bigger dent in AC Nielsen's ratings.

Today, it's just going to be a review of the episode. S02E06 for the Bit Torrenters in us. Season 2 Episode 6 for those who need things spelled out a lil more clearly. I have a huge post penned for the producers of aforementioned pageant, but it will have to be anticipated for another day.

Pre-show starters, the host got around to some questions for the judges to open the show:

To Rafi: What do you think about the chicks who reply in English when you talk in Tamil?
To Maran: Whats with your questions?
To Najip: What did you mean by asking some chicks to walk "tall"?
To Sunita: How important is the catwalk segment?

De ja vu? If you, like me sensed something was afoot then you're probably right. If you didn't go back to our previous Miss V post, HERE. Here's what we had to say:

I don't know bout you blokes but I personally find it very rude when ppl talk to u in Tamil and you don't respond in it. Understood, you might be one of those who understand Tamil but are not fluent in it. Yet, let us know you wanna answer the rest of your questions in English (your native tongue I presume) and not just spew English for Tamil. Looks like a bad case of "Lost in Translation"

Torturous, these aimless questions of his. Thank god she survived. It would be a pity going out on virtue of some judge's ego issues.... Even with 2 judges attempting to trip her up over a seemingly honest answer

Najip said "Feel tall." Why is this fella soo much about pheelings today? Could someone get Rafi to feel ugly? No right... Why is Najip obsessed with height?
So, are the hosts, judges, assistant producers, producer, camera crew, makeup artists and janitor all reading us and responding in kind? If that is the truth, then kudos. But, there are tons of other things I might need clarification on. Howzabout, all of you just add me on MSN and we can thrash it out, together with a full feature interview and a contract to run your next pageant

Trivia: Maran was seen in his Scouser kit in the opening sequences and then it vanishes after the first ad break to become a long sleeved white shirt. [I have 2 theories, it's gotta be either the exuberant Liverpool fans shouting "Liverpool, Liverpool" everytime he opened his mouth, or he had turned up late but wore his kit there so he could get to the post-show match]


So, Sunitha told us all that the catwalk is a major determinant for progression to the next rounds. Yes, like watching people walk, over and over and over again is gonna really make them improve their flair for the runway. Yet again, I ask. What is it that you're looking for? A model? An actress? A brainiac? A pretty bimbo? What? Make up your mind. Seems like a search for Who-can-get compliments from Sunitha / make Najip think you're tall / answer Maran's teasers / flirt with Rafi AND also pull off some modelling and acting amidst it all.

Rafi was still true to his KLK roots with shades in an indoor setting again. Dude! Is it you are nursing cataracts? Are the stage lights blinding you? What? What? You're almost tied with our dear Asoka KLKs whose Bluetooth lights flash brighter than the lights reflected off that old geezer's bald pate.

Anita - This girl has lost some weight since the start of the competition. The cheeks are less chubbier and her features are beginning to stand out a bit more. Alas, nervous nervous nervous. Kinda spoils your stage presence does it not? That nervousness. This is what, your 4th time on stage?

Yuvaneshwari - I had nothing to say pro or con. she would have fitted in with one of the Bollywood dance backup crew with that costume though. It makes me wonder sometimes who gets to choose the jewellery/costume ensemble. The girls, or the producers?

Jayanthi - Massive crowd support which helped tons on her overall bearing. Exuded confidence at all times. And that height, only on hindsight did I realize she just towers over the rest of them. All the placards and banners, whether voluntary or set up just made me think: This is a good player. She plays to win. Looks like a game after all, with immunity tags [If you're gonna copy Survivor, at least change the name?] and talent rounds.

Devi Priya - This is a girl who is always with the "I know something u dont know..but i aint gonna tell u" look. She can't stop smiling this girl, a very good thing. Trivia: Anyone caught that sly wink at the camera before she turned for her final strut? Cheeky cheeky.

Natasha - Slack posture. She might as well be walking to the pasar to buy some fish. Catwalk baby not walk around town in your shoddy flip flops.

Nishalani - This one has grown on me. But she languishes in mediocrity. Neither over the top nor under the radar. Just bobbing along where the current takes her. Happy to live for another 1.5 hours on the telly.

Revathi - Did you catch the left-right hip action? That's the kinda walk that makes the boys shout "left right! left right!" when sitting at the Tekka market bus stop on Friday evenings. Cat-calling is also applicable at other major public busstops, bus interchanges and shopping mall foyers.

Sonia - I have no idea why people think she's all that. I seriously don't see anything special, unless of course people root for cos she's the only Northie left in this whole fracas. Oh well, different souls different eyes. She has this "I'm trying man....get me in" look, coupled with a doe eyed smile. Works for some, just not me.

Sasikala - In a way she and Prasanna look like twins. It was a good combo of jewellery and costumes and the walk though.

Kalaivani - She owned the stage (pwned in some circles). We have bestowed the title KLKonfidence Kalaivani on her. She worked the crowd, and well.

Shamen got all worked up over Silambam just before one of the dance performances. What was the need to work that into your script? Political agenda? Telling some prick you saw at Asoka that he shouldn't profess to be a Silambam master? What was the point? I'm KLKonfused as usual. Starting from last week's "Shamen out!", I've been this way.

The Q n As

Anita - Najip was right to point out the lack of confidence. If you had set Indra on this question she got, she'd have gone wild ass on it and impressed. I mean seriously, you've just about alienated the rest of your female fans by saying you'd let your husband go off with his illegitimate family? Yeah right, give in! The chicks I know would cut off his balls and hang it out on the porch to dry as a warning.

Yuvaneshwari - Good answer following her initial trip up that terrorism was "popular". Still, educating the children aint gonna do much good if Osama's educating his ones simultaneously aint it?

Jayanthi - She's the prime example to show that good answers never please anybody. they wanna jus push and push till you say something dumb. And she didn't. Kudos. You is has our praise.

Devi Priya - "Nice, fresh and crisp" said Sunitha. The moment those 3 words were uttered, I didn't think beauty queen. My mind kinda traversed half way round the nation and stood at Geyland Lorong 12 admiring the new China imports. Nice! Fresh! Crisp! What a slinky black dress though. Is there no dress code for this round, I'm wondering. Why is it that some come onto stage going for a charity gala dinner and the others look like they're due at Amaran in the next half hour. And how come some chicks can come, say "critically analyze" and leave, while some others have to endure painful moments clutching the mike?

Natasha - See! See! See! I'm right. She just doesn't seem to give a fuck and the judges know it too. Leave babe, leave outa ur own accord, you can at least save some face then. Just say, you are needed to protest at the IMF at Suntec and go AWOL on the show. For the good of the nation.

Nishalani - How squeaky can a voice be? Mute the mike! The ultimate "act cute" girl! "Just keep trying harder...I like your boots" the judges claimed. These are the times I wished I was in the hotseat. I'd have tore this one to shreds with her "squeaky clean" answers. Between this voice and that of the footy commentator, you sure as hell know which one I'm for.

Revathi - She got a textbook question that is just too overdone anywhere in Indian TV. Anyone who fucks it up oughta be shot.

Sonia - I feel she knows she's not gonna win this thing and is quickly covering her bases by sucking up to the choreographer? Still a touch of wit there that was appreciated by me. The "next round maybe?" line.

Sasikala - Love the white dress. However a classic case of when you speak, say 2 lines and stop and smile. Like how many of these girls have passed through the stages. But no, she came up with "seducing him with my eyes". Yeah? Show us please. Who's ur Guru? Captain Vijaykanth? Another one of the Physics-is-for-losers school. A true Indian trait of talking more than necessary, unfortunately, she paid hard for this error.

Kalaivani - I'm looking at this girl in a new light today. Possibly because of external comments on her that I never shared in the past weeks. She is sporting. A lesser girl would have gone all coy and shy but she pulled off some stylo-mylo pose that really pulled on the "I wouldn't wanna see this girl get knocked out soo fast" strings.

Talent Round

Why is it that the round most people anticipate is always cut into just a ten minute slot. That's ten girls, attempting to show off the talent required of the week, and you push it all into 10 seconds a girl clips? Where's the fun in that? Why introduce an Immunity Tag if we don't even get to see what they did to earn it? Definitely, what they should do, is stop this catwalk crap and capitalize on the talent rounds. Show everything, bloopers and all. Why would we wanna see the same old walking albeit in different clothes every week. They gonna come down, turn around, go left, turn again, go up the stairs. Anything new? [Well, the ones who forget their steps make it evergreen-new]

This week, the girls were supposed to prepare a presentation, written and verbal to convince 2 of the sponsors to provide sponsorship for a fictitious event they want to organize. Sounds simple? Yes, if you had a week and did it as a group project. These ladies got just 1 day to pull it off. Is it a wonder then that the one who won, studies in SIM, an institution for business and management?

Does anyone else also share my view that the Magical Holidays lady, Gayathri, looked more of a beauty queen than any of the women she was interviewing? Also, what was with the Raj guy from Homeway Designs? Got pretty harsh on the 1-day presenters. "Facts and figures" he wanted? Nice. I wish I was interviewed by the bloke. I'd have factorized my way through his "figure". Again, we never got to see the full brunt of how the interviewers were on the interviewees, and who really sucked and who didn't, cos of course this is a "masterpiece" production from dear Vasantham Central where the less you see, the safer you are.

My final deduction: Raj should be a judge of the pageant. He looks Simon Cowell-y enough. And Gayathri should just be declared the winner of the pageant. MMMMMMMMWah!

The Results

It was no anomaly, the results. Natasha was expected like a helluva long time back. Off with you slacker girl! We'll see you at Gotham eh?

Sasi Kala though, without her really super jump-off-the-end-of-the-world, "i seduce men with my eyes" line could have had a more fighting chance to stay in. But, you're on national TV sweethear. Such embarassments will never be forgiven, even if you got through. My view? The earlier the better. Not when you started the journey with something like this:

Q: How do you cope with wolf-whistles on the streets?
A: I think if you listen to more of those wolf-whistles, they tend to become howling and so frankly speaking, I'll ignore them. I believe that human beings can verbally communicate rather than wolf-whistles.

Get my drift?
[Music fading out: Wonder if you know, how they live in Ang Mo Kio, if you see it, then you mean it, and you know you have to go.........drift drift drift!]

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Light a Candle

At KLKillahs, apart from providing quality Singapore Indian satire, our voices that you read should also go towards supporting worthy causes. Causes especially for those who can't speak for themselves. In this case, it's the victims of Internet child abuse, the mainstay of the child pornographic industry. Do your part. Don't be a KLK.

The innocent victims of Internet child abuse cannot speak for themselves. But you can.

With your help, we can eradicate this evil trade. We do not need your money.

We need you to light a candle of support

We're aiming to light at least One Million Candles by December 31, 2006.

This petition will be used to encourage governments, politicians, financial institutions, payment organisations, Internet service providers, technology companies and law enforcement agencies to eradicate the commercial viability of online child abuse.

They have the power to work together. You have the power to get them to take action.

Together, we can destroy the commercial viability of Internet child abuse sites that are destroying the lives of innocent children.

Kindly forward this to your friends, relatives and work colleagues so that they can light a candle too.

Click HERE to light your candle.

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Trackback - Madras Plus

What a good statistics program can do for you. We found our webbie on the Madras Plus site. We is proud.


Friday, September 15, 2006

No Tangle No Knots

Another quality service from your friendly Zee TV. Silk and Shine's shampoo commercial.

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Miss Vasantham - Third Elimination

Here it is the Sept 10th edition. The 3rd elimination. As of today, there will be 6 girls out of the running. Hearts will break. Smiles will break out. I'm glad I was awake enough to catch this today. Imagine the effort. Not going out for a Saturday drinking binge just so I'd be alert enough to catch the ruckus personally.

Let's start with the individual, I-ask-You-answer segment. Were we really expecting anything different from any of the girls or any of the judges. Still, it was with excitement that we hoped someone would make us go "Wow, why didn't you show this intellect earlier?".

The Q n As

Jamuna - Najip said "you look heavy when u walk, feel light, you're stomping". As far as I can recall, the one animal that effectively stomps is the elephant. She went, "I'd like to answer the question that I so embarassed myself with last time around", and babbled the same old bullshit that literally ran a shock and awe campaign through my left brain. Is Najip really expecting some heavenly nymph, flying fairy like, light as air, swift as wind through the "vast" expanse of a stage they have there? What was with the answer though? What the fuck does your smile have to do with your hair, AGAIN? Unless you got reverse reflectors there that flash some Darlie-polished white light onto that coiffure of yours.

- When a man like Elamaran is begging for some self praise, just give it to him straight. Say, "Yes, I think you're qualified to be a judge cos you have the biggest dick in the auditorium, now when are you gonna stop behaving like the pageant is for you and not for me?". Rafi's syndrome rubbed off on him already. Torturous, these aimless questions of his. Thank god she survived. It would be a pity going out on virtue of some judge's ego issues.

R.Anita - The owner of the orisinal "native speaker" British Queen's English, exactly the kind that our gahmen is looking for. I don't get how Sunita terms relationships in her circles though. There are friends, there are boyfriends and there are also special boyfriends. Ah, so that's the terminology once you hit 25. Did it hit you people, that everyone was merely investigating singlehood and marital status today? With all the girls? Wot about the kudumba kuthuvilakkus who can't admit to having one, cos then their rich doktor mapillai from Paalakaadu won't want to come ask for their hand?

Fazilla - Call it personal preference. But she was the hot one, like ever! Wot a skirt! Saw the layered ruffles on that one? Brought me back to my youthful Jap school girl in a tennis skirt fantasies. Najip said "Feel tall." Why is this fella soo much about pheelings today? Could someone get Rafi to feel ugly? No right. Some things just dont change. You forget, it's a beauty pageant not a height pageant. If her height can cut it to be an SQ Girl (and I'm sure she's more than 165), it's good enough for us. After heels what else do you want the kid to do man? Platform heels? Reebok Pump-It-Up sneakers?

Ghayathri - She looked like one of those geishas who lost her way. Post-colonial disorder. Like someone went back to 1945 and plucked her outa there. Lost. Permanently with the "I'm lost and I need my mummy, Uncle can you help me?" expression. I don't know bout you blokes but I personally find it very rude when ppl talk to u in Tamil and you don't respond in it. Understood, you might be one of those who understand Tamil but are not fluent in it. Yet, let us know you wanna answer the rest of your questions in English (your native tongue I presume) and not just spew English for Tamil. Looks like a bad case of "Lost in Translation". If I was a judge, I'd have thrown her off the stage just for the fuckin fun of it. And also because we've watched Memoirs of a Geisha before and the movie sucked.

Priya - Her strength is obviously answering questions. She came up with a good answer too. It's nice to see the girls who have no visible nervousness or fear when it comes to answering out of this world twillight-zone questions posed by the not so out of this world judges.

Sathya - Mother-Daughter challenge? Savaaaaaaaal readyah? . Fear factor should have been a better reality show to challenge over. She did do good on this one though. Even with 2 judges attempting to trip her up over a seemingly honest answer. Versatile. Same answer, 2 different ways, 2 different judges.

Kasthuri - She is the epitome of "love me or hate me, you can't ignore me". The days of unedited English over, I think she carried herself with good poise and elegance today. The hair was nicely curled and the outfit was complementary. Overall a good package to definitely make it to the latter rounds. Why did Maran take off his jacket? Why is Najip obsessed with height? Why will they not let a proper answer to a proper question go unpunished? As I repeat my stance again, this pageant is looking to be more showcasey for the judges than the contestants themselves. Quit the ego trip, it's irritating.

Bharathi - I personally like the earrings. She like many of the girls, have literally bloomed. I think in a way we've formed our first impressions through the audition photos and they have stuck. English is still an issue though, her classic "I've been gone through" should have made me go "Gone through with what? a spear? a pole? what?". The quintessential ah lian still popped out with her "motherrr"and other colloquialisms. Again, not being happy with a satisfactory answer, the self professed clown aka Maran manages to attempt to Englify kudumba kuthuvilakku. When will this stop I ask myself.

Indira - No boyfriend! That's a relief. It's fast becoming Miss Vasantham Matchmaking Pageant. Is Rafi wanting an inroad into Indira? Tempting her to leave her bfren for better? Good solid answer though! Always leave for better pastures. At least she knows how the game is played. Maran got jealous later and he wanted to get with the program too. How do the producers let this Rafi blatantly flirt with his lecherous eyes on national TV?

Interview by GT Mani [last seen on Ethiroli]:

First things first. This man should not be allowed to grace our television screens with THAT much hair. Implants aside. It sure looked like a waxed up toupee. What is going on with these mid-life crises folks anyhow. And do Vasantham really groom their personnel? Anyone who's anyone knows that presenters and hosts are the two main people who gotta get their styling right. Shamen obviously pointed at the wrong picture when he walked into Sri Dewa in the morning. So he got his hair dead drunk and "plastered" while Mani got his hair all up on its ends, the previously balding Mani that is.

This whole interview thing is a sham. No one wanted to show the other girls. Obviously the producers and cameramen were in love with Fazila. Too much in love. Remember the shot where it was panning up her thighs? And the whole, the "world is coming to an end". Still, taking things out of context is a television favourite. But hell, at least it got us more airtime to view this girl. *Swoon*

Why did Sathya want a Bush? This is the million dollar question. I guess her type of man is the "cute", C average, doofus who fools around with Tomahawks and Cruiser missiles just cos it "might be fun" and you "might" find weapons of mass destruction. Kasthuri wanted to see him too, yet we never knew why. To be continued next week, I figure.

Indira wanted to meet Indira Gandhi. How entertaining.

Priya still feels that Singapore is like the United States of America where an invitation to the White House is like a godsent gift. Babe, email me, I'll send you the list of when there is an open house at the Istana. Or go to East Coast and wait for the man to walk his dog. Or, go to some event where he is the GOH. This is Singapore man. Don't behave like a villager on national TV. People will think you don't know your Katong from your Kansas from your Kota Kinabalu.

R. Anita recounted how boys don't court her but SHE is courting some ppl. Don't we all like an honest girl, who makes the first move?

Ok, who dat who blabbered about a whole "leap of year" to go for dating men? She obviously sets off down that jagged road, once in 4 years, only to recount the sad experience on National TV. I sense a spinoff series riding off this girl.

Bharathi saw the chance to get back at her ex and she did it with style. With 20,000 eyes watching. Yet, it was embarassing. You want to be a beauty queen remember. They go "watever! [flip wrists]". Not, I hate you, you SOB and now I wanna show you how I've moved on. Don't call me! Ever!

So, in the finale of this segment. Indira won immunity. Not a person who'd need it, but good also. See when someone who you know is going far gets immunity, it just about confirms that someone who deserves to get out will. A higher chance if you will. Yet, this immunity, Survivor bullshit is much more pissing off than the entire Singapore Idol-ish setup they have going on here. Sekali got Wildcard all. I sure laugh.

The Results

It was during the results time that I noticed that this Prasanna is also one of the bloomers if you will. Suddenly, scanning all the faces out there, something tugged like, nah, we'll give you a chance. Show us what you got the next time, and make it better. But of course, there were the 2 that we really wanted out. You know the ones who speak and it's like scratching nails on a blackboard. Aaaargh! Get them off the telly!

However, as apt as "The Gods must be crazy", the tides turned. Sathya got out and so did Priya. Sathya didn't deserve it though, in my opinion. Of course, she would have been out later, cos this group has some pretty strong girls, but not now, and not with OTHER people who deserved the boot more than her. Priya, expected it we all, I guess. There is fundamentally nothing wrong with her. Yet, she doesn't hit you as a beauty queen. More like the class monitress who's so nice and sweet and carries the teacher's books after every lessons kinda girl.

I like this confidence in Kasthuri. Many many. She knew deep in her, she was standing at the wrong group. I mean come on, could the other one be wrong? There was Faz, there was Anita, the only "wrong" soul was Geisha Ghayathri. And yet this chick goes, "I'm in the right group." I can't recall who was the Jalra who went "I'm in the right team" after that. A case of mistaken reality program perhaps. Everyone woman for herself douchebag. Now I recall, it was JAMUNA!

One good thing outa this episode was that Najip finally revealed what they're looking for in the soon to be crowned Miss V. Someone who can crossover all channels, do Tamil and English and even in the other stations and elements that Mediacorp encompasses. This is the first time they've really said what they're lookin for. A bit late don't you think? When you've turned off the audience for the past 3 weeks already.

Now the rant. Jamuna is not meant to be there. And I sincerely hope for the good of mankind that the next two to leave are her and Geisha Ghayathri. For those who don't know, Jamuna is also a previous pageant winner, Miss Tampines to be accurate. Just like some of the other contestants, she has had a bit of experience in running in a pageant. But this is just too much! Elamaran is obviously running a huge scam here by even contemplating and later endorsing that her answer to her "my smile makes my hair look lustrous" answer was valid and should be awarded it's own Wikipedia entry.


We hate KLKopykats.

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Friday, September 08, 2006

He is every hero!

And this why Vijaykanth rocks!
[click image to blow it up]

Captain Vijaykanth

Science - a branch of knowledge or study dealing with a body of facts or truths systematically arranged and showing the operation of general laws

Physics - the science that deals with matter, energy, motion, and force

Newton's Laws of Motion -
1. Every object in a state of uniform motion tends to remain in that state of motion unless an external force is applied to it.
2. The relationship between an object's mass m, its acceleration a, and the applied force F is F = ma.
3. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.

The only man who crushes these up like they were irritating cockroaches only to spit them back in our faces - Captain Vijaykanth

And his able Telugu sidekick.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Miss Vasantham - Second Elimination

I am back so here we go again. I am gonna get this shit KLKickin'. It's always some TV programme getting into my path if you noticed. As cool, calm and collected as I can be, I pose to you this question: Why the fuck was radika eliminated? The next in my "You're so dead" list is the road to becoming miss vasantham 2006. Didn't wanna touch on this coz I knew my fellow KLKillahs were already sharpening their knives, but, no. Someone had to get me agitated. Not that I've been faithful to every episode but what I have been watching somehow bewildered me. So here we go, let the bitching begin!

Miss Vasantham 2006 comprises of 3 rounds.

1st round: Modelling Round Contestants will parade in elegant costumes to showcase their beauty, poise and confidence. Every fortnight, there will be a different theme for the costumes like traditional Indian wear, modern Indian wear, bridal wear, evening gown, etc.

2nd round: Talent Round This is a new round that is being introduced in Miss Vasantham for the first time. This round will be shot entirely outdoors with multi cameras. Contestants will have to perform an outdoor activity decided by the producers of the pageant. The winner of this segment will receive immunity from being eliminated from that round of competition.

3rd round: Chit Chat Round. This will test their intelligence. Contestants will chat with the host on a given topic.

(The above information was found in the official miss vasantham 2006 website)

Finally I get to wipe the cobwebs outta the digits 0 and 5 in my set up box. While the digits 2 and 9 seem all so polished, I was hoping I'd deserve something worth watching finally. And with the sun TV domination slowly losing its footing on the driver's seat, I was hoping Vasantham central would take the honours. When I enthusiastically tune in to watch Miss Vasantham, I see a half fucked beauty pageant. Honestly, this isn't the most convincing of shows to be watching on a already boring Sunday afternoon. First of, who are these people making the critical decisions?

A hindi model who doesn't know nuts about speaking tamil, Najib Ali who thinks that the contestants should be looking like a 'minah' and Rafi whom I suspect is just jerking himself behind that desk of his. Can someone e-mail me why these judges were chosen? Sunita Rai wouldn't even know it's sarcasm if we were to pronounce her name as "Sunni Thaa" Rai. And this is an Indian show. We expect our contestants to speak in tamil. That's basic for any Indian beauty pageant. [Editor: Very interesting point. What exactly are they marketing it as? A Tamil pageant, or an Indian pageant? If it was Indian, then the lingua franca of the show should have been English, in all frankness]

I wouldn't mind if Kumar was the judge but why Najib Ali? That's like Kumar judging Miss Suria (The Malay version). And rafi, I personally hate. Now, if you ain't been up to date on the latest happenings, wonder no more, I'll open up the doors to your jealous questions. From the first day to the last episode I watched:

1st Round: You call this the modeling round? I saw an elephant in black and black with a gold belt that was sitting on her tummy rather than her hips. Oh wait, you mean that was her hip that the belt was sitting on? You're supposed to be elegantly dressed sweetheart, not elephantly dressed. Some came in jeans and a top. Are you outta your damn mind? This is not raagawoods my dear, it's a beauty pageant.

2nd Round: I applaud the producers for coming up with something new at last but then again, I'd say the talent round was a flop. Come up with something more worth watching la. You think we'd get entertained watching contestants making flowers and an overfed buffalo making a dog out of a balloon? My twelve year old niece refused to eat after watching her do that. What the fuck has showcasing a women making a dog outta balloon got to do with her getting a step closer to winning the pageant? What the heck, I'd make dinosaurs outta milo dinosaur. Most gilmas were displaying their secondary school dance steps while the north Indian contestant took it a step further by showcasing how her bhangra nights were of a good handful. And yea, what's with the doink who was strumming some Indian tune outta the guitar? And I've got to add that even the strumming of the guitar wasn't fluent.

And yea, if this deep-voiced dipsy sings one more time, I will personally take a cab down to mediacorp to shuff a dildo up that ass of Rafi who later went on to praise on her 'nice voice' and how good it was for the radio". What the fuck are you mad? She sounds like kamalhassan! [Editor: Cue, Vikram the movie circa 1986. I have the mp3. Buzz me] I can understand that her voice is good for the radio. Coz she can neva make it on TV.

Wait a minute. Is she from mars or pluto? Can you see the colour contrast? Were you rushing for the pagent that you forgot to remove the face mask? [I think let's leave "046" outa this mess. A case of just bad powder, badder lighting. But I'll leave it on, considering you're already halfway schizo by now. :)]

Where's the fluency in the strumming of the guitar my dear? That ain't your strength don't you feel? Or is that the best of ability that you have? Don't forget, everything counts for us. Even one mistake and we'll start fucking you. That's the cruel world.

Now, this, is the bangra night women. And if you watched the show, you'd have seen how she ran her mouth realising that she was out of the pageant. How sweet she was indeed.

Who the fuck did her hair? Doesn't she look like the grand daughter of the famous man below?

Just to benefit those who're wondering, this is Einstein.

3rd Round: Chit chat round? Is that how you name one of the rounds of a beauty pageant? You dare talk about the contestants not showing severity? Where did all that seriousness go when you named this round? And the questions asked match the name of the round. I see a lack of intelligence in the questions asked. Ask something more intelligent la. And cut that fake slangs off ya. We all know how you sound when you talk at home. So do us a favour, be more comprehensible. Whether your slangs are canadian or not, you sure do sound like a comedian.

I think that it's rather important that contestants know that winning this pagent means that they're gonna become an ambassador. So it's relatively important to put up something smarter in the talent contest. Making health drinks or dancing or making a dog outta a balloon only shows how much you lack creativity. Like that I can get my aunty from tekka to showcase her 'ondeh ondeh' making skills mah.

If ya'll know the contestant barathi (above), please tell her that she made me blush. She sounded more chinese than I can. And please be corrected on one thing my dear, it's alcohol and not echo-hol. And even your "I wanna speak good ingrish but I cannot help it lor coz I live in sin chia po" slang sounds worse than the aunty who sells hokkein mee with extra chilli near my place. Bear in mind, this is Miss Vasantham. Not miss Chennai.

On a personal note, I gotta add that I was utterly disappointed. When no one else but Radika makes me tune in to the television to watch miss vasantham just to hypnotise me for that hour and thirty mins, it's sad to see my eye candy leave just like that. But it's like adding ajinomoto to your wound when another one of your favourite has to stun the show. But then again, if you've got to go, you've got to go. I'll be missing you. Adieu Fajariah. Adieu Radika. [Editor: NNB. Is it you're tryin to get with the eliminated chicks?]

And for the lucky souls who remain, though some know they damn sure didn't deserve to stay, thank your lucky stars that you've got another chance. Do something out of the blue. Give us a reason to shut up and not poke fun at you. Say something smart. Nevermind if we know it's bullshit that you're talking. I'll be right by the TV this sunday evening. Let's hope I'll get lost for words (from the positive angle)
Have you heard the terms ranting, raving mad before? Praba was a nice sweet child with good hair till he caught this disaster showcase on TV. Now, he is a full blown junkie, with undercut Malaysian motorbiker hair and has shaved "KLK" onto his scalp. He has typed this while still being restrained in his straitjacket. We all feel and share in his pain and hope they will discharge him from Woodbridge in due time, enough to catch the crowning of the winner with the rest of us. Tick tock. Tick tock.

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Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Killah Friend

Now, we're in a bid to spike viewership and raise the profile of this beloved site that you rascals pageload in the thousands each day.

The newest intiative is of course, back to the future, with Friendster.

Add Keling Killahs as your friend. Click HERE. If your connection is too far, then the email add is . It's not done up steady-pom-pee-pee yet. Add us first, check back later.

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Klings, Kelings, Klingons were around a long time before us dear KLKlan.
Ask any Trekkie.