Sunday, July 30, 2006

Miss Vasantham

Unfortunately, we failed to establish the KLKillahs by the time the first Miss Vasantham went to air. But, an opportune chance has arrived now. We now have a personal responsibility to beauty and women in general to remind all those who were cajoled, conned or simply want their 15 mins of fame to please get the hell outa our TV screens.

I am gonna do this part by part. First up:


I wanted to write a comment. But I was stunned speechless. Reminds me of a maternity nurse in the "Spawn of Satan's" hospital.

"Don't mind the outfit. I just stepped out of Raagawood for the photoshoot. Had to borrow some LadyFair from the rest of my Mangammas."

"Me mom told me my left side was better, but heck, I heaped the powder on both the sides anyhow"

Look at the colour of her arms. Now look at the colour of her face and neck. Wanna apply body paint, do all the way la. KNN.

"I dated Beetlejuice last night!"

My runner-up corpse bride.
Looks the part, smiles the part, done make up for the part, and can definitely scare the hell outa you if she walks outa the shower with wet bangs

You win la love, you win.
Someone go get her the medal.
And a tube strapless punjabi suit. Totally overpowers that ashen face sweets.
Who did your makeup? The taxidermist? Or the embalmer?

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Sun TV Part Dua

Editor's Note: Part 2 as promised. He has outdone his first effort I feel. Good job long haired, pierced eyebrowed, tattooed boy. A fine Killah you have evolved into.

Disclaimer: Sun TV broadcasters who're playing "Comedy Time" with us, run for your lives when you see Indian kids who're emotionally repulsed by the "Thiruppu Munai" they've got to put up with at home. When you see us running towards you, pray to "Velan", put some "Kungumam" on your forehead and hide behind "Sithi".

Coz we're gonna end your "Aanantham" jus like how ya'll ended our "Nimmathi". No one can save you. Not even "Raja Rajeshwari". We'll see how much of an "Kondattam" it is when you losers get your baniyans and jattigals torn. We'll bash you coconut plantation endangerers and send you up to "Swargam". Your faces will appear with "Malargal" live on tv in primetime "Vanakkam Thamizhagam". It's gonna be "Super Scenes" for all indian teenagers. You want a sneek "Thirai Vimarsanam" on how bad it's gonna be?

It's gonna be so devastating that "Alahya" will see an end to her "Aadalum Paadalum" and "Selvi" will be too shocked to ask you if you're "Nalamthana". And when you muthafuckaz die such horrific deaths, the only sound you will hear is my mum's all time favourite "Metti Oli". So disheartened teenagers, fret not. The leader is here. Coz very soon, it will be "Namma Neram". One day we'll all be sitting our asses down on "Arattai Arangam" and laughing our asses off on how dumb the Sun TV is.

And for the non-indian friends who're reading this with question marks all over your head, dun ask me what I'm talking about. Because "Athu Mattum Rahasiyam". So if ya'll wanna read on or stop here, it's all "Ungal Choice". And for the rest, let's all chill and "Sirikkalam Vanga". Sun TV, boo ya!

Ever noticed that sun TV advertisements are not as long as before? Praba tunes in to Sun TV anxiously to watch the advertisements to start bitchin' but only to be bitterly disappointed. They spoiled my damn fun. Rascals! But previously, that wasn't the case. On a 20 hour scaled TV schedule, seemed to me as if 13 hours were allocated to the advertisements and only remaining 7 hours went for the show. Though I feel advertisements are better worth watching compared to the usual sorrow filled dramas catered to lure the weak hearted women, I realized that my mum is paying to actually watch something that she doesn't give two peanuts about. And being the Indians that they are, their shows sometimes start as late as how their trains leave their stations. Indian timing as we all know it. And speaking of timing, it rings a bell.

Noticed that timings haf been changed for shows? Wondering why? Coz the dedicated housewives in Singapore have all joined forces to sit down and cry at timings most comfortable. I, of all people, was most grateful to this piece of delightful news. Thing is, my mum's favourite shows are at a comfortable timing for her. She comes back after work, switches on the set up box, and as smoothly synchronized as it can ever get, I hear the theme music playing. Which I've gotta add sounds no better than my alarm clock. So a change of timing means that my mum no longer gets to see shows that she most awaits. Chances are, she'd probably have missed the show by the time she comes in. But little did I know that I was so wrong.

My mum's definition of favourite show is very practical. She makes, whatever she catches in time when she comes back home after work, her favourite show. So in simple terms, it basically means I'm still fucked for life. Come to think of it, my mum is so smart that I think she deserves to be cast in the Mentos advertisements. You've got me dumbfounded mum. You is smart la. You is smart. Every decision made by my mum has the influence of Sun TV in it.

Having a wedding ceremony at any time interrupting my mum's newly formed schedule will only mean that she will not turn up. I can anticipate my wedding to be taking place at wee hours in the morning coz that's the only time my mum decides that the television needs a rest. On a non-working day, my mum switches on the television the minute she wakes up. She watches sun TV whilst eating, bathing, ironing, washing, sleeping and shitting. I am quite surprised that I wasn't named Prabakaran s/o Sun TV or my brother being named Harikaran s/o Thanga Vettai. I wouldn't be surprised if I had a son and he was named Velan.

Advertisements are never let alone. My mum watches every single shit they advertise. I came back after school one day and guess wat I saw. Lion dates on the dining table. Milka B biscuits in my kitchen drawer. And just when I eventually decided that a drink will be good enough and opened the fridge, I saw Fanta! What is this world coming to?

But Sun TV does play a significant role in my life at times. When my mum watches a serial, she'd be so engrossed that I can bravely pull out my polytechnic's warning letters and say "Ma, another warning letter from my school" and I can expect to hear the word "Ok" most of the time. Or else, a slight "ssh" to brush off any distraction. And when she is not looking, I nicely slip it through the window to destroy all evidence. There it goes. Case closed. And just when I thought that only my mum was paranoid, my aunty brushes my mum off the paranoid list with ease. Talking to a cousin made me realise that there are many people like my mum out there. (But slightly more paranoid than my mother)

Gone are the days when the visiting of relatives would mean joy. As age catches up, they become less ingenious. Gone are the days when they brought home snacks and chocolates for me to munch on. I recall a time when a relative of mine came over to catch up on old times with my mother. We all know Indians are not the best of people whom we can strike an interesting conversation with. And how do my relatives overcome the disability? They simply start chatting about sun tv and how well the actors can cry.

Exchange done on knowledge of the actor's personal background only relieves my point on how free housewives have become. Being the young adult that I am, I am hardly impressed when they strike conversations about sun tv. I despise anything to do with low intelligence. The worse thing here is when they start asking you if you watched the latest serial that they've missed. My aunt once asked me about sun tv and I gave her the "You dare ask me that again?" look to avoid the bitter scenario.

So a word of wisdom here. If you can't do things the right way, do it the bright way--CHEAT.
Like I always tell my friends, if I am going down, I'm bringing everyone with me. So likewise, if I ain't getting the TV for myself, no one else is. So here we go, below are possible ways how to end the sun tv woes.

1) On your set-up box, there is a button called PC/PM. Or simply known as a parental lock. Nicely create a code and lock sun TV. When parents try to switch to channel 29 but face difficulties, look innocently and pretend to be unsure. Giving them the "Oh, is something wrong
with our set up box?" look.

2) Sounds are essential when watching sun TV dramas. Open up your television set, bash the sense out of the sound transmitter, and nicely slip back the television cover. No one in the right state of mind will want to watch the serials without sounds. Even if they still do, like I suspect my mum would, who cares? It's the sound that gets on our nerves anyways.

3) Call 1633 to disconnect sun TV. The customer care consultants are all anxiously awaiting phone calls. So please do them a favour. Make someone's day. Call them and terminate the channel. When parents come back home, pretend to have the worst possible sore throat in town
so that no fingers will be pointed at you when they find out someone called to terminate the channel.

4) Pull out the atrocious 2 and 9 buttons from the set-up box and remote control and make scratches on the set-up box and remote control. When parents step in after work, pretend to stare angrily at your neighbour's dog while looking towards the scv set-up box and remote

5) Disconnect the set-up box and throw it nicely into that container the chinese burn joss paper in. When parents comes back home, pretend to have been bedridden the whole day making it seem impossible that you could have been the culprit.

6) Hide all your SCV bills and late payment reminders. After maybe 2 months of not receiving any cash, they'd automatically disconnect SCV. And trust me, parents aren't eager to see bills. So it won't occur to them that the bills have been missing. And if they reconnect sun tv again, repeat idea number 6.

7) Advice your parents on how much your school emphasizes on helping the needy and donate the television to the old folks home. Honestly, people there put it to better use.

8) Bash the muthfucka television!

9) The last resort. If all of the above fails, just grit your teeth and watch the damn thing with them. Like how I always put it, "If you can't beat them, join them"

I rest my case. Sun TV causes no sunshine in my life. They call it sun tho-lai-ca-chi. I call it sun thol-lai-ca-chi. I've made my mark.

[Editor: Does anyone know any good media person who can make this piece famous? It's fuckin worth it I say. ]

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Essential Malay: E

exclamation of enquiry

exclamation of awe, bordering on jealousy

dodge; evade; avoid

you; your

don't know



Thursday, July 06, 2006

Path to Nirvana

And the Yogis have finally found out the path to nirvana and it is NOT at the Himalayas.

Viva La World Cup.

World Cup Trivia: India withdrew from the 1950 World Cup Finals because FIFA insisted that they play with boots. The Indian players however had spent their lives playing barefoot and thus India pulled out of the tourney.

Monday, July 03, 2006












Robert Lingam I.P.S (Vijayakanth) visits Madurai to deliver a lecture in a college about public safety. The head pujari of Meenakshi temple is murdered. He was stabbed to death, but before dying he lies down in the robotic break dance position next to a shiva lingam, the message clearly being "call robert lingam". He had also smashed the breasts of a goddess statue and hung a bell with a chain from her hip. Also clutched in his hand is the Congress party manifesto with the 49% reservation for OBCs underlined with his blood.

Pujari's grand daughter Mahalakshmi (Sneha) had just returned from USA with a degree in cryptology, symbology, singing and group-dance. She cuts short her weekend trip to Chennai and returns to Madurai upon the murder.

She meets Commissioner Lingam at the murder site and together embark to solve the murder and in the process "witness the biggest cover up in Hindu history".

"My thaatha used to insist that me and my brother play hide and seek inside the temple", said Mahalakshmi.

"Why the congress manifesto? Why the underlining on the reservation part? Was your thaatha going to lose his job as head-priest to an OBC candidate?", puzzled look on Lingam's face with knit eyebrows.

"Thaatha always said reservation was plain bull shit"


"Bull shit - very rarely he used english but whenever this topic came up, he would use that term"

Lingam's eyes lit up. "That's the clue...yes, bull shit, oh Rama how did i miss that", excited he clutches Mahalakshmi's wrist as they bolt out of the murder scene.

"Where is the biggest Nandi bull statue in this temple complex?"

"by the east gate"

"Let's go".................

Lingam put his hand into the orifice which was the asshole of the Nandi bull statue. His fingers felt the cold touch of an ancient palm leaf. Pulling it out Lingam attempted to read under the flickering light of the solitary lamp post nearby.neatly written in outdated tamil script were the lines,

"Kai Anchu, Vaai Nooru Periya bookukule oru chinna book" [ "five hands, hundred mouths. Small book inside a big book"]

"Ah", Lingam sighed.

"What does it mean?"

"I have heard both these lines before...but in a very different context"

Lingam looked skywards for some divine intervention to help him solve this new clue. Towering into the skyline in front of him as dawn was breaking,was the tall gopuram of the temple. Quickly turning around, a smile danced on Lingam's lips as his sight fell on all the five towers. "The five towers, phallic symbols...the five Pandava brothers, We need to get to a library,I need to see the original copy of the Kama sutra", "this early in the morning?" asked Mahalakshmi as they hurried towards Lingam's jeep.

As they jeep hurtled towards the town library, Lingam explained, "Few temples in India are famous for their erotic art and architecture. The kings built those to encourage population growth. For centuries, there has been rumours of a secret society that guarded a secret behind such art and symbols, a secret so powerful that if revealed would shake the very foundations of conservative culture."