Chain Letter - Part 1

You open your e-mail inbox these days, some of you have 3-4 and when you get recurrent chain mails regarding the same subject albeit from different sources it can get on your nerves. One of the main categories is the "You know you are..." series. You know you are Singaporean / Indian / Asian / Gay / an MSN addict / gonna die soon.

Today, I want to tear one of these to shreds, my only consolation being that it didn't end with "If you don't forward this to 24124 other idiots, someone might creep up from beneath your bed and castrate you tonight". Bear in mind, apparently every pointer is supposed to clear without doubt that you are INDIAN.

You are an Indian if...
Part 1 - Food

1. Everything you eat is savored in garlic, onion and tomatoes.

[These are vital ingredients to not only Indian cooking, but Asian cooking in general. Watch more Yan Can Cook for proof.]

2. You try to eject food particles from between your teeth by pressing your tongue against them and making a peculiar noise like,tshick,tshick, tschick, tschick.

[Ah boh. This is part of the musical inclination of being Indian. Just like it's in our genes to drum out a rhythm on hard wood tables, we can also attempt some a capella with our tongue and teeth. To add to this, at a Chinese restaurant, the toothpicks are on the table. At an Indian one however, the toothpicks are at the counter where you pay the bill. Who wants to be picking their teeth when the middle aged auntie is attempting to swipe your already overloaded Mastercard and you have an irritating chicken piece wedged between your molars.]

3. You take Indian snacks anywhere it says "No Food Allowed"

[Don't be daft. They also put "No Outside Food Allowed" at Chomp Chomp. Do you really see a bunch of blokes munching their crunchy murukku or dropping laddu pieces all over WHILE attacking that BBQ Stingray? They even sell kacang putih over at the cinemas now. Most of them at least.]

4. You buy and display crockery, which is for special occasions, which never happens.

[It does. Once a year. Deepavalli. Or Onam, or Vesakhi or any of the other major festivals Indians celebrate. Still, it's true, crockery need not be displayed unless its 14th century china found in the tomb of some old emperor]

5. You keep leftover food in your fridge in as many numbers of bowls as possible.

[Never waste food. There are many hungry mouths in other parts of the world. If you're Asian, you've definitely heard this one before.]

6. Your kitchen shelf is full of jam jars, varieties of bowls and plastic utensils (got free with some household items).

[Recycling is an integral part of our culture. It teaches us thrift. I can't stress this point enough. Do we all remember that movie scene where left over idlis were mashed up to make uppuma? The mail did forget the microwavable plastic containers some shops give you when you ta pau. We save those in my house too. Cos, we've finally caught on to the idea that glass cannot be microwaved.]

7. You carry a stash of your own food whenever you travel (and travel means any car ride longer than 15 minutes).

[Food is essential to living. A pity anorexic models don't understand this. The next time you're stuck in an hour long jam on the CTE, you'd really wish you had some Twisties to accompany you. A hungry man makes an angry man makes a road rash warrior.]

8. You own a rice cooker or a pressure cooker.

[Who doesn't own one? That's how you get rice cooked dickhead.]

9. You fight over who pays the dinner bill.

[We fight over it. But we don't want to pay it. Do us a favour, next time just take out your credit card first. Instead of grabbing the bill and scrutinizing if every item added up correctly and later having a 10 minute bitch fest on how they're "daylight robberizing" with their service charge.]

10. All your Tupperware is stained with food color.

[Manjal thul, Milagai thul are essential to the preparation of any Indian dish. IF it's stained, clean it. Eat at Apollo's one day to find out what is real staining. I've heard rumours of entire coats of nail polish going missing in their fish curry rice.]

11. You have drinking glasses made of steel.

[I don't. But I think you should. Indians love throwing things when they quarrel. Glass will break and shatter and might hurt you. Steel will just be steel. Let's all switch to old-school steel. Lakshmi Mittal will be quite happy.]

12. If you don't live at home, when your parents call, they ask if you've eaten, even if it's midnight.

[Asian dude. All Asians enquire on your dietary habits. It's a sign of good manners and sure beats having to stick with mundane hello. Our forefathers when meeting others devised this great line so that when they say "No" you can chide them for not eating on time and when they go "Yes" you can also get into a huge ass discussion on why the food they ate is unhealthy. Mac Dees saw enough potential in this line to run a whole ad campaign with it as the tagline.]

13. You don't use measuring cups when cooking

[That's just anal retentive. Will you stop cooking if you spilled just a drop too much of coconut milk? Get with the program. All measuring elements are henceforth like this: One handful, half your hand, a "little" bit. 5 seconds pouring, 3 seconds pouring, pour a "little" bit. You're done when you see it boiling and also can smell it from the living room while watching Sun TV / on the phone gossiping / tinkering with some furniture.]

14. You have a vinyl tablecloth on your kitchen table.

[I do too. A kitchen table is never bought to look good. That's a dining table. You don't do cutting, blending, grinding on your chic dining table do you? So, the vinyl is there to protect the wood from looking like a serial axe murderer had got there before you.]


There you have it. It's always good to have food start the ball rolling. We are massive eaters. We eat with our fingers only when we're at home or paying the bill. If it's a free wedding dinner, our entire palms help to mould the rice into little balls. And you wonder why chopsticks never caught on with Yindians.

Stay tuned for Part 2.