KLKribs - Melbourne

This was lying to fallow in the "Drafts" for so long, I near forgot it existed. Since, me, the girlfriend and half Singapore's population are on the verge of cracking a random person's skull due to a very very bad day, The Girl rants and raves on our behalf. Though not on the same topics in question.

Photo: Monash Indian Ball 2004 by anu.arya

Having grown up in the sunny island of Singapore, in the assembly of pinafore clad girls of CHIJ Katong Convent, to the mangamma madness of Upper Serangoon Secondary school, and having lived in Yishun for 3 years, I thought I've seen all there is to see about Indians.

I guess I made the mistake of thinking that characteristically at least, Indians are pretty much the same.

Since I hung out with a predominantly Aussie clique for the first two years I was in Melbourne, I didn't really get the opportunity to analyse the Indian crowd in Melbourne. However after coming to Monash University, I was thrown into the 'Kya yaar' throng of Indians. And so my global Indian education began. Albeit only in Monash University, it is quite a lesson.

In my university, there are the 'Indians' and then there are the 'Curries'

Disclaimer: Curries are what the Indians do not want to become. There are not bad people per se, but they can be quite embarrassing. It can be said that this is a case of 'same-race' racism, where some Indians frown upon the mannerisms of other Indians. As for me, I joined the group of Indians who made more sense to me. I do take a lot pleasure in watching the 'Curries' and commenting on them, as I am sure they do at us. Basically, this post is meant to entertain with no detrimental intent whatsoever.

The Curries.

You can pick them out from anywhere. Curries vary from India Indians, to Aussie Born Indians (ABIs).

Sub-Continental Indian Curries

You can pick them out from anywhere. Their dressing style is very distinct. They do the whole 'I am trying to look like I just got out of bed and walked to uni but actually I was up for the last 4 hrs doing my hair' thing.

First, their shirt. It will only be tucked in the front. That is one look that baffled me. I mean, you wanna tuck in your shirt you tuck it in, if you don't, then DON'T. What is this half and half crap? Eventually, wisdom descended upon me, and I found out that they are going for the 'I-made-out-behind-the-bathroom-dishevelled-shirt' look. See, the unfortunate thing is their entire 'I'm happening yaar' guise falls flat because all 478 of them walk around like that.

Ah..then come the pants. Always hung low, BUT BUT, not for the reasons all other guys I know wear their pants low. Because these guys want to show off their latest super expensive sexy ass boxers/jocks. It is very crucial that everytime they lift their arms, everyone within a 5 metre radius should be able to see the brand name of thier undergarments.

It is a cardinal rule that everything they throw on their torso has to be designer duds. And they let you know it.

ME: Hey, how was your weekend.

Curry: It was alright ya, I went to the city with *insert names of no less than 10 friends*

ME: Yea?? Where did you guys go.

Curry: Everywhere! It is so hard to find a decent pair of gloves.

ME: Gloves? C'mon there are SO many gloves at Target, Priceline, even at Roxy and Billabong.

Curry: *Sniffs* hmmm...I went looking all around Chapel St...I went from Gucci, to Ralph Lauren to *Insert designer brand names*

ME: Right.

Their daddy's money is at their disposal, and that does benefit people below the poverty line like me. For example, it is common to pre-drink before heading off to the club or pub. In cases like these, they are very very generous with their drinks. And at the pub or club, if you give them a stick of chewing gum, they'll end up buying you drinks. So basically, they have no spending limit. Which usually means a lot of them get BLIND drunk. Which would be fine by me if they did not spend the whole time convincing me that they are not drunk and then throw up on me.

Now these curries have adopted this whole 'I want to get rid of my indian accent' thing. Trust me, it is nauseating. I mean, to go from 'Hey where were you yaar' to 'Where've you been mate' is quite a lot to stomach. Which brings me to a massive pet peeve of mine. What is wrong with your natural accent? Yea, like Russell Peters said, the Indian accent isn't the coolest. But it defines Indians. Just the way Singaporeans and Malaysians don't have the best sounding accents. Poseurs. But I digress. I've told a few of these curries off, but once they see that white skin and blonde hair, they slap that Aussie accent on.

If you walk into any cafe in my uni, and spot a table with trays strewn haphazardly, empty cups littered around the table and chairs not pushed back in, you know for a fact that the Curry bomb has hit that place. The world and everyone in it are their servants.

Aussie Born Indian Curries

What is the use of curling your fake mahogany brown hair perfectly, applying blue mascara on the top eyelid, black mascara on the bottom eyelid, 3 colours of eyeshadow, wearing chandelier earings, 3000 bangles/bands on each arm, long chains, a shiny top and skinny jeans, boots (for fuck sake), and a perfume you can smell 50 miles away, to UNI!!?!?

It probably takes 3 hours to do all that. And who actually bothers doing all of that? CURRY GIRLS. Aussie Born Indian chicks all look the bloody same too. If you are gonna spend so much time dolling up, it wouldn't hurt to be original now would it? They treat every walking surface like a fashion runway.

And they travel in packs like wolves, sniffing out the latest metro sexual Aussie Indian dude who thinks he is too cool to be Indian because he is 'Aussie' by nationality. SCREW YOU. How come I see you at every Indian clubbing event, singing along to every damn song? Still Indian by musical inclinations?

What pisses me off the most is the way the girls look at me when they walk past me. They give me the 'Oh you poor girl, I am SO much hotter than you. All the curry boys will look at me 10 times before they even glance at you' look. To that I give them the 'I am smarter than you. Period. I'll be paying your salary' look.

The craziest thing about these Curries is how they DON'T want to be Indian. The Sub-Continental Curries seem hellbent on losing their accent and the Aussie Indians actually take PRIDE in not knowing their native mother tongue. It is one thing not to know it, but to be proud that you don't know it is just bloody obnoxious.

ABI: Hey, I'm *vaguely Indian sounding name*

ME: Oh hey, Gaya, Nice to meet you.

ABI: Oh Gaya, that's nice...is that from Captain Planet?

ME: Haha, no I get that a lot, but it is Indian. Erm, short for Gayathri.

ABI: OH yeaaaa, I was thinking that you might be Indian.

ME: You are too right?

ABI: *Shrugs* *VERY Obnoxious* Yea I guess so..haha!!

ME: Where are your parents from

ABI: Oh India, from Delhi

ME: So can you speak Hindi?

ABI: OH NO! *giggles*

And yet, they rub all over each and every curry boy they see. Nothing sickens me more than whitewashed Indians.

Curry boys also think they are 'Da Bomb', which is actually quite humorous. They seem to be deluded that they are the Princes of the Bay of Bengal and so every female would be stunned by their bedazzling eyes and lick their feet. Walk by them and all of a sudden they are talking louder, laughing louder and some would laugh so hard they would fall out of the group and ACCIDENTALLY bump into you. *rolls eyes*

So as you can see, this post has turned from a mere examination of the Curries to a full on bitchfest. Well, as annoying as they are, they make my uni life interesting. Curries will always be curries.


Editor's Note: Highly interesting. I'm famished. Click HERE for "How to make a Curry".

monash, melbourne, curry, indian, abi
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