KLK Anger Management

Edited from one of those chain e-mails that take turns to appear in your inbox and then your junk mail and then your inbox and then one fine day infecting you with a virus of the same namesake. This is the localized Yindian version, and is a good guide to whenever you need to "release stress". And we don't mean the massage parlour way.

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know. Rather, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying "Hello."

I politely said, "This is Ravi. Could I please speak with Latha?"

Suddenly, a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right fucking number!" and he hung up on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

When I tracked down Latha's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "you're an asshole!" and hung up.I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.

When caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "asshole calling" would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Tan from Singtel. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"

One day I was at the NTUC , getting ready to pull into a parking spot. You know how the waiting game goes. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me.

I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window which included his phone number, so I wrote down the number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole [I had his number on speed dial] I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is", he said.

"Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.

"Yes, I live at 34 Hillview Drive, just off the Dairy Farm exit. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Muthu," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Muthu?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Muthu, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Muthu, you're an asshole!". Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea.

I called asshole #1.

"Hello."

"You're an asshole!" [But I didn't hang up.]

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Muthu."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"Asshole, I live at 34 Hillview Drive, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Muthu. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up. Then I called asshole #2.

"Hello?" he said.

"Hello, asshole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Hillview Drive, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover and after that I'm gonna kill myself.

Then I called Channel News Asia about the drunk parang wielding jilted gay Yindian who caught his partner cottaging in a Little India public toilet on a Sunday heading down to Hillview Drive. I quickly got into my car and headed over to Hillview. I also called The New Paper knowing my Samsung phone was all but there for the taking.

I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, a news crew and half the area's residents. And now I have a free phone.

NOW I feel much better.