Monday, May 29, 2006

Sun TV Part Onnu

The brand new member of the Squad. Praba slices through the murky depths of sub-continental TV. Wicked rhymes, wicked minds.

Switch on my scv set up box and I am guaranteed 2929.29% that the channel will be in 29. I dun understand what's got my mum so indulged in sun tv. For a 30 minute serial, there's a 20 minute advertisement. I wonder where they get so much of things to advertise about. Whatever you can think of, they have. Sometimes I wonder if they advertise what they make or if they make what they advertise. Remaining 10 minutes for the drama. 3 mins for names of producers, their father's name, brother's name, sister's name, sister's ex-husband's landlord's name and etc. while playing some totally out of this earth, ying meets yang with a bang music.

And when they finally get on with it, you'd probably see 5 minutes being wasted for the actor removing his shoes, socks, pants, shirt and not forgetting the traditional blue and white boxers or how the Indians say it "lungigals". Another 3 minutes is wasted when the actor makes a special turn with sound effects.

That is a must in the Indian movie industry. In India, no sound equals to no sales. The number of times he turns his head to face the camera, well done mate. I'd probably sprain my neck if I did that that many times. So you'd get 2 mins of thrash talking in that whole 30 minutes of shit. And in that 2 minute, my mum sheds so much tears that I can water my plants.

My mum often forgets that she's in Singapore. Whether or not she watches local news to find out about daily happenings, she'd definitely know if that giraffe from the zoo in that small village in Bombay has given birth to a baby boy or gal. Whether or not Karunanithi changed his glasses from that trademark thick black frames to frameless Oakley glasses or even contact lens. She'd probably know the colour too. And my mum knows so much about Indian political news that she'll put any Indian journalist to shame. Don't pray pray hor!

We all know Indians are great liars but to play a movie 100 times a year and repeatedly say "For the first time in Indian television history" is a bit too much. Who the fuck are you tryin to kid?????? Don't think you can nicely display your mama drama tricks in the "cycle gap"

They say that Indians exaggerate a lot. If you watch sun tv, point is well proven. They haf a 1000 episodes. Let me give you an example. One man pulls out a gun to fire. Another pulls out a gun to fire back. And jus when you hear a gunshot, without having a clue as to who got shot and the camera is only focusing on the bullet that's traveling at the speed of a millipede having menses, they wrap up the show. And that's it. Show ends. End of episode one.

All this stretched over 255 episodes before they finally reveal the injured man's face. And don't you dare think all is over. We still haf yet to see the family crying in the hospital. Based on the actor's capability, it could be stretched till episode 999 before death befalls him on the 1000th episode and that's it. Case closed. Amen. Good night.

They say Indians are emotional people. My mum is a living example. Sun tv bastards are smart. They confuse the fuck outta you till the next episode is telecast. Why? So that you will watch the next episode and get even more confused for the following one. When someone dies in a serial, it can make my mum so sad that she will call me when I am chatting in msn to tell me what had happened. She probably knows it goes in one ear and comes out the same ear but she still does.

And yea, crying is a must in every serial. Whether you choose to cry whacking your chest or head, it's all up to your ability. The more capable ones will do the moonwalk lying down. My mum will make a hundred meter dash from work to reach home in time to watch them all cry as a family. And the best part is, my mum joins them. Neva will I ever ask my mum for anything when she's watching teary scenes. It will silently mean no food and no money.

Editor's note: If you liked him, show him you love him. Cheers!

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Essential Malay: C

cabut
(1) to pull out (2) to flee

cacat
defective; handicapped; deformed

cakap
talk; speak

campur
mix

cantik
beautiful

cara
way; means; method

cari
search

cendol
a drink made of jelly-like strands of dough and coconut milk

cepat
quick; fast; early

cicak
lizard

cikgu
teacher

cinta
love

choli
brassiere

cuci
(1)wash (2)develop (a film)

cukup
enough; exactly

curi
steal

Friday, May 19, 2006

Essential Malay: B

babi
pig

badan
(1)body (2)organization

bagaimana
how

bagus
nice; pleasant; good

baik
good; all right; fine

baju
clothes; dress

balik
(1)return (2)behind

banyak
much; many

bawa
bring; carry

bayar
pay

bedek
aim at

belakang
back; rear; behind

beli
buy

belum
not yet

bengkok
bent; crooked

berak
defecate

berani
brave

berapa
how much; how many

besar
big
besar hati: proud; elated
besar kepala: stubborn; conceited; big-headed
besar mulut: boastful

besok
tomorrow

betul
correct; true

biasa
habitual; usual; ordinary

bila
when; ifbila-bila: whenever

bising
noisy

bodoh
stupid

boleh
can; able to; permitted to

buang
discard; throw

budak
child

buka
open

bukan
non-; not; does not

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Essential Malay: A

I have embarked on a new project. The essential Malay dictionary for every aspiring KLK. KLKs have a loving tendency to include Malay in many of their motherhood statements. So, here's the full list. Starting with the letter A.

abang
elder brother

ada
have; possess; contain

adik
younger brother or sister
adik-beradik: brothers and sisters

aduh!
exclamation of pain

air
water

ajar
teach
kurang ajar: disrespectful

aku
me; I

ambil
take; obtain; fetch

anak
child
anak dara: virgin

angkat
lift; raise

anjing
dog

asal
origin; source

atas
above; up; upon

awak
you

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Karnan Sings

I couldn't resist. Yes, from the 1960s Sivaji Ganesan movie, Karnan, Ullathil Nalla Ullam. A very emo-lulling song anyhow, played on loop by ALL and I mean ALL Indian casket companies if the family has no particular song requirement. A Kannadhasan song by the way.

Ullathil nalla ullam urangaathenbathu
vallavan vaguthathada
karna.. varuvathai ethirkollada

Thaaikku nee maganillai
thambikku annanillai
oor pazhi aetraayada
naanum un pazhi kondenada
naanum...un pazhi kondenada

Mannavar paniyerkum
kannanum pani seyya
unnadi panivaanada karna
mannithu arulvaayada
karna.. mannithu arulvaayada

Senchotru kadan theerkka
seraatha idam sernthu
vanjathil veezhnthaayada karna
vanjagan kannanada
karna.. vanjagan kannanada

Monday, May 01, 2006

The Abortion Song

Spotted somewhere out there. A nice jiggly diddy to sing to all the mangammas who just need a surangani of their own.

Kissing is a habit,
Fucking is a game,
Boys get all the pleasure,
Girls get all the pain,

He says he loves you
And you believe it's true,
But when your stomach starts to swell
He says to hell with you!

[Insert number] minutes of pleasure,
9 months of pain,
3 days in the hospital,
The baby with no last name.

The baby is a bastard,
The mother is a whore,
It never would have happened
If the rubber hadn't tore.

KLK Profile #2

If you have never witnessed the culling of chickens during a bird flu scare. You might want to stay on for the next few minutes. Firstly, the original profile we ever did put up. The maestro of Ang Mo Kio. HERE.

Now, we follow suit with the emergence of two babyfaced assasins. Unlike the first profile-kia we have omitted any hot photos of cool poses and instead give you the bare minimum KLK expose. Half naked bods and tats.

He says:

Occupation:

*RASCAL*

Companies:
WooDbRIDge ZipperS

Affiliations:
My friend mani security firm......hehehehe

Hobbies and Interests:
**ShIvAn**StUdIeS**SoCCer**SarUku**

Favorite Books:
Russell Lee True Ghost stories

Favorite Movies:
Mortal Kombat(Annihilation), The Mask, KARNAN, SPIDERMAN(PART 1 AND 2)

Favorite Music:
kichu kichu manisha.....Sakarai nilavae....Venmathi.....Muhalai .....Thenmadurai vagainadhi....Kadhal Vaibogamae...kadhal valathaein

I find it just amazing that ALL these songs except the first one can be used in that whole I am a KLK but a romantic at heart sequence. Also they double up as good ringtones, voicemail muzak and singing on your lonely post breakup drinking at East Coast Parkway. The benches with some good Beng Kwee Lo of course, not the established watering holes.

Favorite TV Shows:
SmallVILLE......Heartlanders.....SUPERMAN......

About Me:
Ellam ShivaMayam.......juz get 2 noe mE more by messaging me.......

Who I Want to Meet:
Shivan..........Those wanna noe me ....add me at fighting_machine21@hotmail.com....Any gal interested ?? I dun MINd!! HAHAHAHAHAHa..............

And I say, if he's so interested in God. Someone should despatch the man off quickly no?

This is the portion where the chicks, like in their great outpouring of love pen some model testimonial for the bloke yeah? Something of the nature of: "See, he reads ghost stories, watches smallville and has his priorities right. Studies before sarukku. Get to know him ladies. A hot catch."

And who could the next Woodbridge Zipper be, you ask? Presenting RASCAL. I kid you not. That's the nick on the "frenster" profile.

Ye seeketh and I delivereth:

Notice the babyface looks coupled with tattoos that are surely gonna be markedly missing ten years down the road. Either marred by knife cuts or self destroyed by acid in a vain bid to escape the coppers.


Forgive the right hand V-pose. It was inherent at birth. Helps his occupation better, what we call a skilled labourer. After all, his "friend mani's security firm" really couldnt afford the real guns with their budget this year.

And do you see the similarity in expressions, look and pose to Royston Tan's 15? The famed feature film about teenage gangsters in Singapore? You tell me, who copied who.

Nuff said. Another keling killed.