KLKustomers - Tekka Sunday Special

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My dad's got a shop in Tekka. Right next to Saravan Bhavan no kidding. It's supposed to be his 'hobby'. Orchid Pharmacare. Sells everything from condoms to ayurvedic stuff that makes u "lepaskan spring" without a sweat. Well i've been spending most of my Sundays rotting there. "Learning business" according to dad. Keeping him happy so i continue to get my allowance according to me.

Sundays are filled with 3 kindsa KLKustomers.

The Expatriate Families

Recently got reunited in SG and consider a full tiffin meal at Saravan Bhavan a 'Sunday Special' They have the entire extended family over as well. Two primary school aged children, u know.. the planned kids, and the lil dude.. the "accident" from when they were here last year without the oldies.

Roaming around the lane after stuffing themselves next door, the wife will walk in first, sometimes pretty hot stuff (hot Northie MILF dehh) making a beeline straight for the cosmetics section. Then the burping Dad and the rest. The kids start grabbing everything in sight and i've got to mentally catalogue what to put back in its place before MY dad gets to the shop.

The wife is taking every thing.. looking at it, turning it over and putting it back at the wrong place.. We have this cosmetic line called Shahnaz Hussain, they put gold in everything and i think its pretty popular in India. She starts gushing to the husband 'Oh, they have Shahnaz here!' And they basically comment on the shop having everything they want and after like 15 mins, the Dad walks up to me and goes "Do you have anything for gas?" this is like the cue i think, the oldies start going out first, smacking the heads of the kiddos running around asking them to get out.

It's like part of their afternoon, go to shop, buy a $1 dollar strip of meds that takes care of the heartburn from the "pukul mati" rice meal, enjoy the air-conditioning, treat the place like a museum and basically giving someone like me work to rearrange the mess they caused. KLKuality time these people spend. Not a cent more.

The Reluctant PRs

These guys I think nreally wish they were back in India. Looking for Indian Ayurvedic stuff and all those herbs 'Made In India'. They got their noses so far up their own asses they cant parallel park.

I dislike dealing with some of these people and you will see why. There are some pretty decent PRs over here, but when they go to shops, they are absolute nightmares.

"This costs 60 rupees?!? And you are selling it for $6 dollars?!?" [By exchange rate, 60 rupees = Approx. $2.40]

This is the most common comment, I usually let it slide. But when dad's around, God help the bugger. "Eh hello, then u go to India and buy ok? put it down, NO, i dont want to sell to you." It doesn't end there, the dude still goes on! And my dad is a pretty intimidating fella, no kidding. "What kind of shop is this!? Have u heard that customer is king?" then dad gives the KLKustomary punchline "This is my fucking shop, my fucking products and I'm fucking KING.. you get the fuck out before i call the police and charge you with criminal trespass!". [Editor's note: Technically, you can't charge anyone for trespass in a retail establishment unless you have stated clearly that you are only serving an exclusive clientèle]

Next up is the Info Digger. He functions like a KLKoogler. He walks into the shop like he knows wad he's doing, goes up to the staff, talks for half an hour about this particular medicine that we sell. After learning all there is to know about it and when we assume he's gonna buy it, he pulls out his plastic bag. He's got the very same product in it and he tells us straight in the face, "Mustafa is selling it for 50 cents less". Why do people insist in arguing with me over dumb things like why i cant give them prescription medicine whereas in India its available over the counter.

"You know, I'm actually a doctor in India, the GOVVVERNNMENT HHASSSpittal will give me the medicine and u cannot?!"

We have a pet phrase for these folks. The people who pay 1 Star prices and expect 5 Star treatment.

The Indian workers

The poor people most Singaporeans have grouses against [though most of the time through no fault of theirs].

Now i have a soft spot for them, cos they really are pretty hardworking ok. And I've heard thousands of sob stories, but that does not exclude them from this KLKustomer 'Sunday Special'. They come late evening.. (duh i know) wait till they've finished all vegetable shoppping, money put aside for black cat and red bull in the back alley, the remainder is left for the medicine. The most common case is fungal infection of the groin. [Usually caused by long hours in the same clothes drenched with sweat under the tropical sun]

Practically all of them have it! Just observe, they aint really putting their hands in their pockets to take anything or be cool, but to reach down and scratch their nuts. And they will come into the shop in groups of 5. Now these 5 are like a tribal council, one of them is the patient whose balls are on fire, but very likely they will give a story about one of their friends back in the work site suffering the ailment.

One is the critique, he will be convincing them to go see a doctor,that put soap will never be enough etc. The other is the financial control, he'll say its too expensive, most of the time because for some reason, even though the med is not for him, he pays for it. Maybe they got some sorta system worked out, like they take turns to pay for meds. and the 4th fella is the satisfied customer that recovered from HIS problem and brought the whole posse to the shop, the 5th is not part of the EXCO, just a Standard Member, so he agrees with everything everybody says, often muddling up everything.

Selling these dudes ANYTHING, you've got to convince all 5 of them. And that tube of cream u show them will be scrutinised upside down inside out for christ knows wad reasons. Living by the creed "Dont buy unless gonna die". No wonder the turnover is so high.

KLKustomers Tekka 'Sunday Special' has now concluded it's exclusive broadcast. In line with the gahmen's desire for higher standards of customer service, watch out for more Yindian shopper behavioural analysis in the coming months.