Cultures - Fact and Fiction Q&A (Part 1)

Hello, my name is Aresha, and this is my first post on KLKillahs. hurhur.

Although some of you might stereotype KLKs to be coconut-oiled, bullock-cart-riding girls in sarees/dhotis or loin cloths, most of us have grown to forget our village roots and have started to buy 5 kg packs of rice from NTUC instead of growing our own paddy fields in our backyards.

Note: Although some of us still have that legendary Karuveppillai (curry leaf) plant hidden in some obscure corner of the house and the Thulasi plant growing in our front foyers. For the misunderstanding spice-unsavvy chinese folk, Curry leaves are also used in your cooking - it's called 'Diao liao jiu li xiang' so stfu. Melayus don't count in this clarification because you are all closet bollywood bootlegs.

This Fact and Fiction series plans to address all sorts of stereotypes. I welcome issues on all kinds of Indians (thosai or chapatis) and all other races - whether you can play the tabla, er-hu or kompang.

Since there are 1.3 billion Chinese, 350 million Malays and 1.2 billion Indians in the world, we might as well all get along, copulate, and standardise the Asian race to a beige one, or at least work hand in hand to take over the world. We'll Win. Really. Just ask Russell Peters.

Just send your misconceptions to hello@areshaonline.com or use the annonymous form to submit your own little gripes and strange questions about anything and I will save the day with some form of explanation as to why it's rubbish, and if its true.

I won't condone any personal or seditious attacks so expect a 'slap from a large trout' if you're out to create an online riot.

Ok so, for the first edition of Fact or Fiction, I've done a little 'guerrilla street questioning' to start the ball rolling.

Q1. Why do some Indians smell funny? Is it because of Ghee? - Gary

Ah, the age old question. For starters, don't get the little green QBB ghee can involved because it's just a poorly packaged form of clarified butter. It's got nothing to do with the smell.

I think the smell most people refer to are the strong whiffs you get on a Sunday while roaming around Bugis or anywhere remotely close to Serangoon Road. I feel you, I get it too. I believe its a mix of 'diet' and 'coconut oil'.

Yes, coconut oil in the hair can be disgusting, but its a really good natural conditioner. Like ten tons of brylcream, us local singapore indians don't really do that because we know its not cool to look or smell like we just ran 50kms on a hot sunday afternoon.

It's usually the foreign workers that do so - and it really isn't their fault because they're different people in different cultures don't see why it's weird because it's the norm back in their home country. They also cook with a certain oil that makes them have a certain distinct smell - because you are what you eat. Just like how we stink like death due to alcohol and cigarettes when we go to a club, but yet we don't realise it.

Q2. Why do Indians and Malays like to sit down and drum on tables and dustbins? - Annonymous

Because, they're musically inclined and it's something in our cultures that enforce 'communal' activities and 'community' development. I encourage everyone to bring down their drum sticks and bang away on anything nearby (as long as it isn't on someone's head or car).

If it isn't your thing, remember that you're not that glamourous when you turn up at the National Day Parade banging away on sticks on the cues of Gurmit Singh. ;)

It's just a different setting. It doesn't matter wether you do it during a jam session in a studio or sing to yourself in the bathroom - some just like to break into a jam session while out with their friends. It's nothing signature. Look at football around the world, everybody does it. Just because you don't doesn't mean it's not COOL.

Q3. Why do South Indian girls like to wear bright blue eyeshadow? - Ajay

Egad. DO they? I've never really noticed. But babes, if you do, STOP IT! We've all been victim to the great make up disaster, and yes, with tanned/dark skin, I feel your pain. But you're not really solving the problem by slopping a 2cm thick layer of foundation and eyeshadow for it to show.

Solution: MAC! I swear by it. Or Bobbi Brown. Gone are the days when you need to use half a shadow-palette for anything to show. Even though it costs $30 a pot, you use so little that it's SO worth the money. I remember trying so hard to find the perfect cosmetic solution to my ugly face, I went everywhere - getting shit makeovers by so many make-up counters. Till a lovely lady at MAC did me. Stop looking like a getai singer and head on down to your nearest MAC counter.. NOW! The boys will love you.

Q4. Why do modern Indians act like 'black' people and listen to R&B? - Tan

Wow. Hmm. It's probably like how lots of Chinese girls and boys love the Japanese culture, neoprints and all. I've met scores of Chinese and Malay friends who do the same - R&B is the MTV Culture.

I guess the concentration in racial ratios stand out because there are only 7% of Indians in the Singapore population, so naturally you'd think that for that token Indian, he's a limping Dr Dre wannabe.

Most people grow out of that stage once they go out into the workforce. They will realize that du-rags, FUBU jerseys and jeans hanging off their arse with timberland boots doesn't really bring you bling and 'bitches/hoes'. In fact, I've never understood the term 'hoes' - A hoe is a garden rake, and a whore is a prostitute. It isn't cool to call girls prostitutes as opposed to garden rakes.

Q5. Why do the Chinese use chopsticks? It's silly. - Annonymous

Uh. Chopsticks are a utensil. Just like how the fork and spoon can be equally ridiculous contraptions. Chopsticks are not just a Chinese thing. It's used in Korea, Vietnam and Japan. In fact the Japanese have a martial art involving chopsticks called hashijutsu. And in China, they believed that if your food was poisoned, your metal chopsticks would turn black.

But the point of chopsticks really, is because in certain Asian regions, they use a much starchier, stickier version of rice. Indica rice (less sticky) was used in the Western and Curry-influenced regions whereas, Japonica rice (very sticky) was used in China, Japan, Vietnam and Korea. So the best way to pick it up was with the practicality of the chopsticks. Also, the fact that noodles were a vital part of their culture. It really isn't that pretty a sight to eat your noodles with a fork, innit?

And with that, I conclude the first edition of Fact and Fiction Q&A - this will not appear again unless you readers start to contribute questions here so, start contributing!

xoxo,

Aresha

Editors Note: To all KLKomputer-kuckoo nuts, all the text in red are links. You MAY and SHALL click them. Or else you'd have no idea what the phuck just went on up above. Thank you those who have kicked off the intiative with your questions. Keep them KLKoming.