Fashion for the Dummies

Time and time again, the Indians have done it. We have constantly proven that we are unbeatable in more ways than one. Athletics, cooking, blasting each other, backstabbing, gossip, and then there is FASHION. Just in time for Deepavali too. ;)

Yeah, I mean who else would have thought that zebra skins would look fantabulous coupled with a leopard skin pants? If ever the Animals' Rights movement were to shoot a bunch of people, our KLK brothers and sisters would be the first to go. I also cannot stress on how important the cat eyed contact lenses are to this "look". Dahling, blue lenses are so last season!

So if you're gonna try to be proof that we didn't actually evolve from apes, but in real fact, leopards, zebras and cats, you've at least got to do it the true blue KLK way. And being the trashiest writer (since the only things I've written revolved around dance competitions and KLKockster boyfriends), I pride myself in presenting you with the Fashion Bible [no offence Christians] of the season.

Today we will just settle the girls' must-haves since that in itself is one hell of a list.

Lesson #1: Why wear clothes that fit you?

I mean seriously, what fun is that? Why on earth would you want your clothes to fit you, when you can opt for something that hugs you in all the wrong places and places you right next to the Incredible Hulk for Halloween? Remember, lycra is the way to go! So what if you're 20 pounds overweight and frightfully resembling a fat cow? Make sure your skirts hike up so that we can see that inch of your Rambha thighs and also ensure that all your cleavage becomes spillage. Less is more (really).

Lesson #2: Show,Show and Keeping Showing.

If you wear underwear, show it to us. Yes, even if its granny panties, we still want to see them. If you wear a bra, ensure you show us. Transparent bra straps that gnaw into your skin, coloured bra straps,even the ones that are slightly fading. Show us everything. Transparent clothes with a matching tube are excellent too. We love the fact that you'd choose to come to office on Casual Friday wearing what looks like just the inner layers of your clothes (yes,I still believe clothes SHOULD have more than one layer).

Lesson #3: Your powder should not match your skin colour.

Again! If your clothes shouldn't be fitting you, why should your powder? Always make sure its two tones whiter(we're not even talking brighter here) than your skin tone. Remember never to apply any powder on your neck so that we can see your true tone and your artificial tone as well. If you don't have powder that doesn't fit your skin, just apply 40 layers of your normal powder and you're set to go. Why? We like to be white? We like looking stupid? We like not being able to take flash photos because we end up looking like those scary photos that end up being forwarded on Hotmail with titles such as "Believe it or not!"? I really don't know!

Lesson #4: If its hanging on display, buy it.

Total KLK mentality. Hasn't anyone heard of sales tactics? They do not put it up on display because it's the nicest thing in the shop. Its probably the most goddamn expensive thing or the fugliest thing that they hope you'd get off their hands. However, if you really truly believe that you'd like to have 15 other sisters wearing that same top you bought from Expo go ahead. I mean the Bombay sisters were famous after all.

Lesson #5: Fusion is in. Logic is out.

Why bother wearing a plain Punjabi suit? Top it off with a belt. (Remember one of our "well loved" singers who once wore a black saree with a cowboy belt to the Pradhana Vizha?) . Better yet, make sure you look like you're wearing half a baju kurung, half a saree and then top it off with the China Doll hairstyle. Easy this Deeparaya. Can wear the same thing to two places and still look KLKool.

Lesson #6: Colour Coordinate. Or don't at all.

You either wear a maroon blouse, a maroon skirt, carry a maroon handbag and wear a maroon hairclip (maroon shoes are a bit harder to find) OR you wear completely contrasting colours. A yellow blouse and red pants would look awesome. Especially if you decided that this year you're going to do the traffic control at the Expo.

Lesson #7: Match your eyeshadow to your outfit.

Remember Geisha Gayathri from MV? Najip once asked her very curtly if she meant to match her pink eyeshadow with her pink saree. Its evidently become a habit. We understand if you decide you'd like to have a bit of green in your eyes, but to use a crayon and paint your eyes green just because you bought a pretty new green dress. A little much, no?

And if this doesn't help you 'nuff, just go to the Expo and people watch for 1 hour. You'd learn all you need to learn about sartorial sensations.

KLK 1101E - KLK BGR

As the representative of all Mangammas and Sornakkas, I take very seriously the welfare of our female KLKs. Indeed, I think its time I share some priceless information with my sisters around the continent.

1.Thou Shalt Knowest Not Thine Status

The best way to go about it to never completely disclose the status of your relationship. I mean why stop at one when you can have aplenty? There was a reason the “Its complicated” button was created in Friendster. I mean it doesn’t really matter if your musang of a boyfriend and you have been together for three and a half years. As long as there are still people who are interested in you, you’re still single. Until at least you get spotted making out on the dance floor at Explosion Nite.

2.Thou Shalt Be The Biggest Two Faced Swine

See it doesn’t matter if you never had an issue with his smoking habits. But once his friends are all around at the chalet, that’s when you kick up a huge fuss and start whining about how he NEVER and you mean NEVER listens to you. It doesn’t matter if you knew he’s been smoking for the last 232353 years. It just matters that right NOW, you think he shouldn’t be smoking. Call it marking your territory. Call it showing the rest whose boss. I call it KLKialism.

3.Holden ye property as tightly as ye may.

The most important criteria to make a true blue KLK girlfriend lies in your ability to grip. Yes, the longer your blood red nails, the better. Its only fair that everytime some other unsuspecting girl walks around you dig your nails under your boyfriend’s forearm. I mean he is yours and what on earth possessed that $#^$#$#@$#@%#%#%# (insert as many profanities) of a woman to walk past him. See, freedom of passage works only until you decide to strut past anyone vaguely Indian.


4.Thou Shalt Wear the Pants over your Panties for eternity

Is it just me or do we all suffer from an obsessive compulsive disorder? An article from Essortment.com states the following as signs of control-craving disorders. Tell me if I am the only one who finds this eerily familiar. "Common ideas include persistent fears that harm may come to self or a loved one, an unreasonable concern with becoming contaminated, or an excessive need to do things correctly or perfectly. These thoughts tend to be intrusive, unpleasant, and produce a high degree of anxiety. Sometimes the obsessions are of a violent or a sexual nature, or concern illness." Nuff said. There is a Chandramukhi in every one of us. Lakalakalaka to that.

5.Learnest not Closure. Seekest always patchbacks

Now if you’re a true blue KLK gf, you would have learnt one thing in all your years of blue contact lens wearing, cheap hair rebonding days. That relationships are never meant to be closed! If you so much so as decide to date a guy, you are pretty much stuck with falling back to his trap no matter how many girlfriends he has cheated on you with. It doesn’t matter if he’s kicked you or even missed murdering you by a split second because its LOVE. And no really, we KLKwomen love feeling like victims of abuse and like second class citizens. Why? A case of kallanaalum kanavan pullanaalum purushan maybe?

[Editor: *Applause* Now you know why I call you Tekka Thayamma]

Miss Vasantham - Talents

Yes, the Kween is back after a short hiatus.

Anyhow, my counterparts have written with enough depth regarding the Miss Vasantham cream of the crop (remember when the crop wasn't that great to begin with it, the cream isn't going to be that delectable) to date. However, what fun is there when we don't diss them about their awesome talents? And what fun is there when the Kween doesn't get the first attack?

In order not to clash with tonight's episode, i shall do away with niceties (niceties?ME?) and get on with it already. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a gargantuan task ahead of us.

Firstly, what constitutes as a talent?
As adapted from Merriam-Webster's Online Edition (its a dictionary you doofus), Talent is..

"A marked innate ability, as for artistic accomplishment. See synonyms at ability. Natural endowment or ability of a superior quality."

Now, if you do look carefully, you'd realise SUPER QUALITY and MARKED INNATE ABILITY. Yes, you have a talent when you're good at something. Not when you're mediocre or just bad.

Attempting to dance a classical dance when you're NOT a classical dancer is NOT a talent.

Kapish paisan?

Now that we've come to a consensus on that, why on earth does everyone have the same talent?

Apart from the girl who sang Chinese (albeit wearing blacks gloves with a red cheongsam), and "the-let-me-arrange-2-flowers-into-a-wonderfully-beautiful-creation" girl, everyone else either sang, danced or hosted.

And funnily, our pseudo-Indian-vanakkam-spouting Malay judge, chickopeh-uncle-deejay judge and the qualified model judge seemed to be elated and surprised at every talent as though it were something amazing and new!

Wait, am i the only one missing something here? Isn't Miss Vasantham supposed to be about individuality?

Okay, never mind that even. Isn't your personality supposed to show in your answers and the talent you chose? Instead, why sing when your voice sounds like its about to break into a cackle? Why dance when your saree is half falling and you do the same step about 15 hundred times?

You remember that Children's Programme on SunTV where the kids come in fancy dresses and act like various characters? I think they were more experienced at what they were doing.

I don't know if it was a lack of effort or just an inability to realise what is appropriate and what isn't. Hosting doesn't count as much of a talent by the way. Especially not when you just speak off a paper, or worst still talk as though the world was about to end. Pardon me if i am being too harsh, but truthfully, there really wasn't much of a superior ability in most of the talents.

My favorite? The scary Punjabi girl who nearly killed the judges for not getting through. I don't know if you guys remember her. The long-haired one who danced for some Hindi song. Remember 2 weeks ago, Rafi had just told her he LOVED her hair. Yes, thats what he had said. I guess he has realised that long haired girls were out of his range and thus he kicked her out. (Ref. to my theory of how Rafi chooses his faves. Its based mainly on whether he thinks they are within his standards of tangkap-ing)

Then there was the girl who makes a health drink. See ah Auntie, unless you're vying for a place in Rasippom Rusippom or wanting to be one of those salesgirls who convince people to buy that new juice blender, i suggest you think of something else. (thankfully, i can't remember if you made it through or not).

Oh and once again there's an irony. The one girl who went fairly risque and did somewhat of a bellydance gets told that she's boring. Oh and what about the other 30543953 girls who danced for the likes of what they deemed as fusion music (attempting 3 classical dance steps followed by a sway).

And ladies, please rethink your outfits. While no matching eyeshadows and saris were in sight this episode, the green feather boa looked pretty dowdy and so did the glove with the cheongsam. Kudos to all the girls who tried harder this time though.

And "hard" girl, thank you for deciding not to use the word "hard" this time. Stick to your, my answer is Tamil movies have a lot of violence and henceforth i shall keep quiet since i'm bound to spew rubbish if i keep talking strategy.

I'm starting to completely rethink my ideals of what the Miss Vasantham should have been. With the exception of a few chicks with class, the rest didn't exactly strike me as having the sophistication of a beauty queen. Its not just in presenting yourself with a signature walk or wearing the right clothes. Its about understanding what a beauty queen is supposed to be. Don't blame me for saying that. We live in a world of stereotypes and there IS a certain way of acting if you want to be one. Please go look up the difference between model and beauty queen for all of you who tried to do the vogue face.

And really, if you're looking for some inspiration, previous seasons of Miss Vasantham aren't going to help. There are other pageants you know? (Read: MISS WORLD. MISS UNIVERSE)

And on a completely irrelevant note w.r.t their answers in that profile thing that Ah Neh and The Girl have commented about: Thil Thil Manathil and Vizhigal aren't the only two programmes around.

And to end off, I think i've found the perfect answer to one of the questions they were asked in that profile thing.

Q: Tell us one thing about you that people are always surprised to learn about
A: Oh they are always surprised to know that i actually made it to the top 24 of Miss Vasantham.

miss vasantham, vasantham central
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Miss Vasantham - 1st Round

With all the recent brouhaha with reference to our True Blue Indian Beauties (yes blue as in the colour of their most morbid eyeshadow shades) , i thought i should give my 2 cents worth. I mean what fun is there when these ladies put themselves out there to get slammed and we don't slam them enough right?

However, since a lot has been talked about in terms of appearance, i thought i had might as well blog about their recent KLKaledeiscope on tv. Yup, i'm sure lotsa you wanted to check these girls out(for more reasons than one) and would have sacrificed your Sunday evenings(you could have been holding hands with some uurus in Tekka ensuring that our road safety gets no safer than it already is) to watch these girls in skin.

I thought it was hilarious since almost every girl who made the "Cannot Make It" List, made it into their lists. Why? Lack of participants? Need to eliminate later? Need for mangammas in rounds to come? I seriously don't think i want to know.

I find it incredulous that a teacher who looked fairly pretty didn't make it because she lacked the confidence but our mangamma who pronounces "heart" as "hard" got through. What have we become? A society that condones stupidity but decides that when the wallflowers try to take a step forward, we will push them out.

Question: Does sex SELLS?

Bad enough that Najip has grammatical issues, but the answer that followed was hilarious.
There she went, ranting about how she uses her "hard"(maybe she really wasn't talking about her heart.It would have made a lot more sense.Hmm) and she still makes it?

But the girl with big big eyes looks like a normal Indian girl, but every Tharshini,Harini and Dabukku Mukku Meenatchi with their hair looking like it hadn't been washed in ages looked exotic?

Why put a Malay judge for an Indian show in the first place? Yes, Beauty is universal and I'm not saying that he's not qualified enough to judge beauty. However, if you insist that Miss Vasantham has to have these qualities that make her essentially an Indian, don't you think that you should be able to more than just effeminate, able to say vanakkam and host a few shows to judge her capability?

And then we have the Deejay who somehow always gets called to judge these shows. I think he's some kind of a pervert. What with his, I would like to see you more and then a stylish(attempt) flick of the buzzer follows. Throw in a cheeky grin and a bald head and he'd be starring in our B-grade 12'O clock Sun Tv movies as a villain already. I understand if he was perhaps in the industry - no being a celebrity deejay does not cut it really.

And ladies. Start answering the goddamn question. If you don't understand it, be honest enough and go "Thirrupi Sollureengala?". Memorising proverbial phrases such as "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder" isn't enough for you spout at any opportune moment. We all watched Miss Congeniality and its sequel. Thank god, no one came up with "World Peace".

So stop telling these girls to show more of their teeth, when their teeth are stained with years of tobacco or worst lack a filling or even a tooth(yes, one of our corpse brides doesn't have a tooth).

Stop telling them that you love their hair when you really don't know what lies beneath(no seriously, i don't). Tell them the truth, because if you don't give them the reality check, who will?

Oh right. I forgot. Thats what we are here for.

So here's my tips for answering the dumbest questions some of these judges come up with. After all, if you aren't pretty nor clever, you might as well be memorable.

Qn:Does Sex sell(s)?
Ans: Sorry Sir, I'm still a virgin. And i don't believe in selling myself for the Crown.

Qn:What kind of a man are you looking for?
Ans:The virile kind.

Qn: What made you wear this today?
Ans: Gee. I don't know. I pranced into my neighbour's closet and took the first thing i saw. What do you think Einstein? The thought that i may look good in it. Maybe? Just maybe?

Qn:What will you do with the title?
Ans:You mean the sash? I will hang it around my window so all my neighbours can see!

Oh and by the way the best has yet to come.. For next week we watch their talents. Fire eating anyone?

miss vasantham, vasantham central
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The KLK Explosion

Editor: The Kween is back! When she rants, shut your mouth, open your Bambi eyes and then go "Amen".

It’s the Woodstock for every self-respecting KLK. It’s the the time we all dig into our wardrobes and find those zebra printed splits and sometimes if you’re lucky you might just strike jackpot, finding the leopard spots. Don’t forget the Bluetooth headsets. Never mind if your phone doesn’t actually have Bluetooth. Its just the image really.

Ladies make sure you’ve gotten your 3 for 1 boxes of contact lenses(in only the most “fashionable” of colours) See because it isn’t enough if you dress like a Jamaican, have afro-like hair, believe in faux fur(yes those bags count as faux fur to me!) but now lets confuse everyone even further by ensuring that your eyes are anything but their authentic colour.

That’s just preparation. Once it hits June and July, you’re bound to see banners and flyers splashed all over your friendly KLK-neighbourhoods(Chong Pang, Nee Soon East, Nee Soon Central). Never mind that they are all in the same vicinity, they still insist on a dance competition per CC. Indeed with their volatile names, you know these dance competitions are bound to be romba violence.

It might seem like a gargantuan task to get 50 people for a SINDA seminar. 20 for a temple youth wing meeting. 10 for classical dance. But when it comes to our KLK-explosions, be sure to watch in awe as our future Yindian leaders gather their followers and ensure they cause a stir. Listen carefully the next time the train passes by Yishun and you might just be lucky enough to hear an angry KLK shout, “DEI UNNAI NAAN EXPLOSION NITELEY PAATHUKUREN DA!” Indeed our dance competitions, our pride.

Oh and when you do manage to find your way to that ulu cc hosting the competition(shouldn’t be very difficult if you follow the leopard spots and running handphone lights.If you’re lucky there might be a few motorbikes with blasting music on the way), do kick your feet back and watch as the two not so funny emcees try their level best to pull off as many stunts to make you the least bit interested. If you’re a true blue KLK, you’d have by now shouted telling them to get your favourite dance group on stage already.

Remember to practice your hand signs correctly(no gang signs please or you might be kicked out, or the plainclothes policemen might just throw you into jail for a day and the rest of your KLK friends would be too dead drunk to bail you out). We’re talking the various ways to form an A with your hand and an X. It doesn’t help that 1439530453 groups would choose to name themselves with an X at the end of their names. But remember there is more than just one way to show an X.

An X with your fingers and an X with your outstretched hands could just shift your loyalties midway through the dance(and we wouldn’t want that if you’re sitting on the wrong side of the crowd since after all the spectator area is divided into four, 3 for the groups that are bound to win the top 3 anyway and one for all the other Remo-wannabes who try extremely hard with their 4 by 4 formations and their formal wear costumes).

And lastly, don’t leave before 11.30. Because if the curtains work fine and the guest of honour does decide to turn up, then you shall be duly rewarded with a dance floor. Yes, you will clear up the chairs in the CC yourself and then dance. Once in awhile, a token English song is thrown in. But fret not because its bound to have been remixed with 30 other Tamil songs in between. If you’re not too lucky and the curtains don’t go up in time for the show to begin, then your dance floor will be restricted to 4 songs but any true blue KLK will know that, that is enough time to do your thang on the dance floor.

And here’s KLKillahs’ tips on how to make yourself seen and heard on the dance floor:

1. Don’t bother wearing red,yellow and green. 405 other Indians would probably be doing the Rastafarian thing already. You want to be seen? Get yourself a glow in the dark Tshirt with a marijuana sign on it. Ain’t no other way to go. (Don’t worry you don’t need to know any Bob Marley songs to actually be a Bob Marley fan).

2. Scream "Eh Aah Eh Aah!" at every opportune moment. No matter if you sound like a chicken getting an orgasm midway being butchered. Visuals are not enough when you’re surrounded by every Tom, Dick and KLKlown wearing something absurd.

3. If you’re female, just act like you’re about to get into a trance once you hear a song that sounds remotely folk. Don’t worry, there’s always at least 2 or 3 folk songs and if you have a big enough bag(which you will have, if you are a nalla sarakku) remember to bring some vepillai for extra effect. The vepillai also helps in whacking that mofo who does his Chicago too close to you.

Remember, its never too late to make it for another dance competition as they are a dime a dozen. Don’t bother with Sistic, just check your Friendster bulletins for some knucklehead would have posted 2303420 bulletins about some coolio dance competition coming your way. Why 2303420? Because we KLKs don’t believe in single or double clicking. Why 2 when you can click 2303420 times?