The KLK Explosion

Editor: The Kween is back! When she rants, shut your mouth, open your Bambi eyes and then go "Amen".

It’s the Woodstock for every self-respecting KLK. It’s the the time we all dig into our wardrobes and find those zebra printed splits and sometimes if you’re lucky you might just strike jackpot, finding the leopard spots. Don’t forget the Bluetooth headsets. Never mind if your phone doesn’t actually have Bluetooth. Its just the image really.

Ladies make sure you’ve gotten your 3 for 1 boxes of contact lenses(in only the most “fashionable” of colours) See because it isn’t enough if you dress like a Jamaican, have afro-like hair, believe in faux fur(yes those bags count as faux fur to me!) but now lets confuse everyone even further by ensuring that your eyes are anything but their authentic colour.

That’s just preparation. Once it hits June and July, you’re bound to see banners and flyers splashed all over your friendly KLK-neighbourhoods(Chong Pang, Nee Soon East, Nee Soon Central). Never mind that they are all in the same vicinity, they still insist on a dance competition per CC. Indeed with their volatile names, you know these dance competitions are bound to be romba violence.

It might seem like a gargantuan task to get 50 people for a SINDA seminar. 20 for a temple youth wing meeting. 10 for classical dance. But when it comes to our KLK-explosions, be sure to watch in awe as our future Yindian leaders gather their followers and ensure they cause a stir. Listen carefully the next time the train passes by Yishun and you might just be lucky enough to hear an angry KLK shout, “DEI UNNAI NAAN EXPLOSION NITELEY PAATHUKUREN DA!” Indeed our dance competitions, our pride.

Oh and when you do manage to find your way to that ulu cc hosting the competition(shouldn’t be very difficult if you follow the leopard spots and running handphone lights.If you’re lucky there might be a few motorbikes with blasting music on the way), do kick your feet back and watch as the two not so funny emcees try their level best to pull off as many stunts to make you the least bit interested. If you’re a true blue KLK, you’d have by now shouted telling them to get your favourite dance group on stage already.

Remember to practice your hand signs correctly(no gang signs please or you might be kicked out, or the plainclothes policemen might just throw you into jail for a day and the rest of your KLK friends would be too dead drunk to bail you out). We’re talking the various ways to form an A with your hand and an X. It doesn’t help that 1439530453 groups would choose to name themselves with an X at the end of their names. But remember there is more than just one way to show an X.

An X with your fingers and an X with your outstretched hands could just shift your loyalties midway through the dance(and we wouldn’t want that if you’re sitting on the wrong side of the crowd since after all the spectator area is divided into four, 3 for the groups that are bound to win the top 3 anyway and one for all the other Remo-wannabes who try extremely hard with their 4 by 4 formations and their formal wear costumes).

And lastly, don’t leave before 11.30. Because if the curtains work fine and the guest of honour does decide to turn up, then you shall be duly rewarded with a dance floor. Yes, you will clear up the chairs in the CC yourself and then dance. Once in awhile, a token English song is thrown in. But fret not because its bound to have been remixed with 30 other Tamil songs in between. If you’re not too lucky and the curtains don’t go up in time for the show to begin, then your dance floor will be restricted to 4 songs but any true blue KLK will know that, that is enough time to do your thang on the dance floor.

And here’s KLKillahs’ tips on how to make yourself seen and heard on the dance floor:

1. Don’t bother wearing red,yellow and green. 405 other Indians would probably be doing the Rastafarian thing already. You want to be seen? Get yourself a glow in the dark Tshirt with a marijuana sign on it. Ain’t no other way to go. (Don’t worry you don’t need to know any Bob Marley songs to actually be a Bob Marley fan).

2. Scream "Eh Aah Eh Aah!" at every opportune moment. No matter if you sound like a chicken getting an orgasm midway being butchered. Visuals are not enough when you’re surrounded by every Tom, Dick and KLKlown wearing something absurd.

3. If you’re female, just act like you’re about to get into a trance once you hear a song that sounds remotely folk. Don’t worry, there’s always at least 2 or 3 folk songs and if you have a big enough bag(which you will have, if you are a nalla sarakku) remember to bring some vepillai for extra effect. The vepillai also helps in whacking that mofo who does his Chicago too close to you.

Remember, its never too late to make it for another dance competition as they are a dime a dozen. Don’t bother with Sistic, just check your Friendster bulletins for some knucklehead would have posted 2303420 bulletins about some coolio dance competition coming your way. Why 2303420? Because we KLKs don’t believe in single or double clicking. Why 2 when you can click 2303420 times?