KLK Profile #4

It's been a long time since we delved into Frenster profiling. People come up with the weirdest stuff these days, from questionnaires to yes/no quizzes to plain grovelling at the ladies' feet. But nothing prepared Esh for this onslaught [Editor's remarks in italics]:

I logged into Friendster today to discover that i have a new friends request. So the unsuspecting me clicks on the request to see who it was. And the unsuspecting me was thoroughly appalled by what i saw. Shock. Awe. Horror.

At this point, unable to accept what I saw, I ran across my living room filled with so much of emotions. I fell to the floor, and start sobbing uncontrollably. No one could stop me. I couldn't believe what I saw. [De ja vu. Did the same when we heard Saddam was gonna be hanged]

I had to tell someone about it. I couldn't contain it anymore. So I called the first person I thought who could help me regain some of my senses - Praba, and there I was recounting the drama to him amidst a fresh flow of tears. It was awful. Praba was already half way through his front door to do some serious damage to the person who was the cause of my tears. [Who? Praba? The bloke who didn't know how he got back after 2 pints of Hoegaarden and a half pint of San Miguel?]

After some advice from Praba I got to my senses and my KLKillah instinct got the better of me. Time to do some KLKulling baby! [Finally we get to the story, knn, so much build up]

Here's presenting Jurong Sarakuz. So apparently this one person, is a representative of all Jurong Sarakuz. And this person tried to add me. wtf? The display picture screams Jurong West and her hometown is Endrendrum Jurong!! Alright la machi!

I began dissecting the profile. There were no photos of people, but the captions to some of the pics made me wonder.

"Our Roko" - Oh you all endorsing Marlboro is it? Are ya'll doing it like how the old time beer ads do it, with skanky babes? [I believe the word is rokok with a k]

"Kudikariz" - So that was why you created this account...you were drunk right? [Never attempt anything dangerous like the world wide web under the influence]

"Your still ugly to us boys.." - [Gender stereotypes are so fashionable these days.]

Occupation:
Being a saraku in jurong.. [Do you get CPF with that?]

Hobbies and Interests:
slacking..make our place(jurong) to a better place..
[Heal the world. Make it a better place. Plus the last guy who sang that is on child molestation charges now]

Favorite Books:
is ther any books for us???
(yeah. makes me wonder too)

About Me:
Okiii...thiz profile is made up for jurong sarakuz..the intension is to make all the jurong gerls to get united and bring up jurong as a best place!! let us show all that jurong gerls are the best..any other gerls frm different loaction who wanna get united with us..your always welcome!! gerlz rulezz!! simply this profile is onlie for GERLS!!!! even if your ugly or pretti,fat or thin,jus add me!! coz no matter what gerls..we are babes!!!

Who I Want to Meet:
Jurong sarakuz..and whoever gerls wanna get united wid us..it wuld be nice if no guys are in this profile thanks..

Sorry la babes..I stay in Jalan Jurong Kechil. I know there's a Jurong in the name and all but that's still like miles away from Jurong West. Oh by the way, good luck on your mission to "bring up jurong as a best place!" When that happens, do inform us at KLK so that we can be proud of youse we could even help you recruit some NTU chicas so you can start a political party and vote for them.

I caught sight of the first testimonial and a fresh flow of tears unleashed from my eyes.

"Bila bila Jurong Sarakuz la
Wen fight comes we are
one for all all for one la"

Power to the giduga la machi!

Unbelievable. See how much trauma one profile can cause me! Poor me.

By the ways, i rejected the request. Not cos i thought they were an embarrassment whatsoever. I mean c'mon man, we all know about brotherhoods, so kudos to the babe who wants to promote some loving sisterhood here. In a world where everything is falling apart, we need chicks like these to unite and spread some lurrve, no? Why then didn't i accept them?

What can I say, guess I didn't fit their profile.

friendster
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KLKribs - Yishun

Hey, I'm Esh and I'm on a mission to bring to attention the hometowns of the KLK population, where resides a proliferation of the typical Yindians. Aptly named KLKribs, let's begin with our first destination.

Set foot upon the blessed soil of Yishun, turn in any direction and it won't be hard to miss a KLK walking in his gangster fashion, it makes me think he's probably trying to air his armpits from the perspiration this heat is causing.

To all my ladies in the house, if for some reason, you're making the decision to step into this famed nation of KLKs, a word of caution to you. For if you are a female specimen, walking the streets of Yishun, you may be attracting the attention of these KLK mofos. Walk down the stretch of the bus interchange, when you don't see one of these typical Yindians, that's when it's strange. Take special notice of the 855 stop, you'll see them on the railings-that's their hot spot. Make a pass through that path and you can see them doing their thing, clad in their fake blings and things, at you they'd be whistling.

Having to walk that way almost every other day, let me share with you what i usually do. The moment i see them and before they notice me, it becomes my natural reaction to whip out my handphone and pretend to be engaged in a deep conversation. Try as they may to attract your attention, its easier to get past when you are blatantly ignorant. Just remember: put your handphone on silent, to save you from an embarassment should your phone ring in the midst of your pretension.

To all the guys, you might wanna get something to cover your eyes for two reasons. For one, if you even decide to look their way, these KLKs will assume you're staring so they'll give you a little glaring and if you don't avert your glance fast enough, count on a confrontation that could cause a commotion. Another reason being with the KLK girls that you are seeing, you need to be protecting your eyesight from the eyesore that they are giving. Clad in their red/black ensemble with their leopard print pouches and accessories, it makes you wonder if they had lost their combs with their hair let down all long and frizzy.

Be warned, if you look at these KLK chicks for long, they'll whip out their handphones (with red and black casing) and give their makkal boyfriends a ring to report that you are staring. For once, these KLKs break the rule of the Tamilan timing and within minutes you'd be able to see them walking, their arms swinging, you see them approaching you and you know trouble's brewing.

So hoping to get away as fast as you can, you head in the direction of Yishun GV where you'd see the KLKs queueing to catch the latest movie. They'll come early to buy the tix, then head to BK or LJ to lepak and look out for chicks. Even if they get there an hour before the movie, they'll make it a point to saunter into the theatre very much later than everyone else. And if you asked them, "Enna aachi?" They'll proudly proclaim "Tamilan timing la machi!" The movie begins and you hope to watch it in peace but these KLK mofos will never let you do so. Whistling during song scenes, jeering at snide remarks and laughing out too loud when the comedy isn't even funny. During your three hours in the theatre, you wonder whether to watch the movie in front of you or to complain about the KLKoothu that happens in the row behind you.

After the movie, the different groups will disperse about the neighbourhood heading to nearby void-decks and coffeeshops for what I'd like to call their makkal meetings. It is only at these makkal meetings that you can see KLKs drinking way before evening comes around. Amidst the bottles on the table with the Tiger beer label you'd see only one pack of cigarettes. There'd be ten of them there but at any one time they'll only have one cigarette to share. These KLKs will pollute the air without a care but conserve their ciggies because they are KLKancha Pisunaris.

Wanting to avoid the possibility of coming across a fault-finding KLK at the interchange you decide to take the train. You thought you'll be spared but think again, especially if you are heading towards the famed last cabin because that's where the KLKs board the train. You thought you could escape them mofos but think again, they could be following you through to your destination.

Editor: I is liking. And at certain portions, she actually rhymes :) Welcome Esh.