KLKribs - Melbourne

This was lying to fallow in the "Drafts" for so long, I near forgot it existed. Since, me, the girlfriend and half Singapore's population are on the verge of cracking a random person's skull due to a very very bad day, The Girl rants and raves on our behalf. Though not on the same topics in question.

Photo: Monash Indian Ball 2004 by anu.arya

Having grown up in the sunny island of Singapore, in the assembly of pinafore clad girls of CHIJ Katong Convent, to the mangamma madness of Upper Serangoon Secondary school, and having lived in Yishun for 3 years, I thought I've seen all there is to see about Indians.

I guess I made the mistake of thinking that characteristically at least, Indians are pretty much the same.

Since I hung out with a predominantly Aussie clique for the first two years I was in Melbourne, I didn't really get the opportunity to analyse the Indian crowd in Melbourne. However after coming to Monash University, I was thrown into the 'Kya yaar' throng of Indians. And so my global Indian education began. Albeit only in Monash University, it is quite a lesson.

In my university, there are the 'Indians' and then there are the 'Curries'

Disclaimer: Curries are what the Indians do not want to become. There are not bad people per se, but they can be quite embarrassing. It can be said that this is a case of 'same-race' racism, where some Indians frown upon the mannerisms of other Indians. As for me, I joined the group of Indians who made more sense to me. I do take a lot pleasure in watching the 'Curries' and commenting on them, as I am sure they do at us. Basically, this post is meant to entertain with no detrimental intent whatsoever.

The Curries.

You can pick them out from anywhere. Curries vary from India Indians, to Aussie Born Indians (ABIs).

Sub-Continental Indian Curries

You can pick them out from anywhere. Their dressing style is very distinct. They do the whole 'I am trying to look like I just got out of bed and walked to uni but actually I was up for the last 4 hrs doing my hair' thing.

First, their shirt. It will only be tucked in the front. That is one look that baffled me. I mean, you wanna tuck in your shirt you tuck it in, if you don't, then DON'T. What is this half and half crap? Eventually, wisdom descended upon me, and I found out that they are going for the 'I-made-out-behind-the-bathroom-dishevelled-shirt' look. See, the unfortunate thing is their entire 'I'm happening yaar' guise falls flat because all 478 of them walk around like that.

Ah..then come the pants. Always hung low, BUT BUT, not for the reasons all other guys I know wear their pants low. Because these guys want to show off their latest super expensive sexy ass boxers/jocks. It is very crucial that everytime they lift their arms, everyone within a 5 metre radius should be able to see the brand name of thier undergarments.

It is a cardinal rule that everything they throw on their torso has to be designer duds. And they let you know it.

ME: Hey, how was your weekend.

Curry: It was alright ya, I went to the city with *insert names of no less than 10 friends*

ME: Yea?? Where did you guys go.

Curry: Everywhere! It is so hard to find a decent pair of gloves.

ME: Gloves? C'mon there are SO many gloves at Target, Priceline, even at Roxy and Billabong.

Curry: *Sniffs* hmmm...I went looking all around Chapel St...I went from Gucci, to Ralph Lauren to *Insert designer brand names*

ME: Right.

Their daddy's money is at their disposal, and that does benefit people below the poverty line like me. For example, it is common to pre-drink before heading off to the club or pub. In cases like these, they are very very generous with their drinks. And at the pub or club, if you give them a stick of chewing gum, they'll end up buying you drinks. So basically, they have no spending limit. Which usually means a lot of them get BLIND drunk. Which would be fine by me if they did not spend the whole time convincing me that they are not drunk and then throw up on me.

Now these curries have adopted this whole 'I want to get rid of my indian accent' thing. Trust me, it is nauseating. I mean, to go from 'Hey where were you yaar' to 'Where've you been mate' is quite a lot to stomach. Which brings me to a massive pet peeve of mine. What is wrong with your natural accent? Yea, like Russell Peters said, the Indian accent isn't the coolest. But it defines Indians. Just the way Singaporeans and Malaysians don't have the best sounding accents. Poseurs. But I digress. I've told a few of these curries off, but once they see that white skin and blonde hair, they slap that Aussie accent on.

If you walk into any cafe in my uni, and spot a table with trays strewn haphazardly, empty cups littered around the table and chairs not pushed back in, you know for a fact that the Curry bomb has hit that place. The world and everyone in it are their servants.

Aussie Born Indian Curries

What is the use of curling your fake mahogany brown hair perfectly, applying blue mascara on the top eyelid, black mascara on the bottom eyelid, 3 colours of eyeshadow, wearing chandelier earings, 3000 bangles/bands on each arm, long chains, a shiny top and skinny jeans, boots (for fuck sake), and a perfume you can smell 50 miles away, to UNI!!?!?

It probably takes 3 hours to do all that. And who actually bothers doing all of that? CURRY GIRLS. Aussie Born Indian chicks all look the bloody same too. If you are gonna spend so much time dolling up, it wouldn't hurt to be original now would it? They treat every walking surface like a fashion runway.

And they travel in packs like wolves, sniffing out the latest metro sexual Aussie Indian dude who thinks he is too cool to be Indian because he is 'Aussie' by nationality. SCREW YOU. How come I see you at every Indian clubbing event, singing along to every damn song? Still Indian by musical inclinations?

What pisses me off the most is the way the girls look at me when they walk past me. They give me the 'Oh you poor girl, I am SO much hotter than you. All the curry boys will look at me 10 times before they even glance at you' look. To that I give them the 'I am smarter than you. Period. I'll be paying your salary' look.

The craziest thing about these Curries is how they DON'T want to be Indian. The Sub-Continental Curries seem hellbent on losing their accent and the Aussie Indians actually take PRIDE in not knowing their native mother tongue. It is one thing not to know it, but to be proud that you don't know it is just bloody obnoxious.

ABI: Hey, I'm *vaguely Indian sounding name*

ME: Oh hey, Gaya, Nice to meet you.

ABI: Oh Gaya, that's nice...is that from Captain Planet?

ME: Haha, no I get that a lot, but it is Indian. Erm, short for Gayathri.

ABI: OH yeaaaa, I was thinking that you might be Indian.

ME: You are too right?

ABI: *Shrugs* *VERY Obnoxious* Yea I guess so..haha!!

ME: Where are your parents from

ABI: Oh India, from Delhi

ME: So can you speak Hindi?

ABI: OH NO! *giggles*

And yet, they rub all over each and every curry boy they see. Nothing sickens me more than whitewashed Indians.

Curry boys also think they are 'Da Bomb', which is actually quite humorous. They seem to be deluded that they are the Princes of the Bay of Bengal and so every female would be stunned by their bedazzling eyes and lick their feet. Walk by them and all of a sudden they are talking louder, laughing louder and some would laugh so hard they would fall out of the group and ACCIDENTALLY bump into you. *rolls eyes*

So as you can see, this post has turned from a mere examination of the Curries to a full on bitchfest. Well, as annoying as they are, they make my uni life interesting. Curries will always be curries.


Editor's Note: Highly interesting. I'm famished. Click HERE for "How to make a Curry".

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Deepavali In Melbourne

We all know how your Deepavali went. But how about the poor innocent children we send across the seas to go get some quality education and hope they aren't boozing up while we're asleep? The Girl reports straight from the land Down Under on what varsity kids do when their folks aint there to watch them. Melbourne Masala!

Ah yes, the big day. I hope everyone had an awesome Deepavali. Here in Melbourne, there were lots of parties going on; the main one being the Deepavali Bonanza at Federation Square. My day didn't start very well and was kinda depressing because exam trumps Deepavali. But, as the day went by, all my Indian friends decided that since Deepavali comes once a year, we are going off to Fed Square and leave our exam worries in our rooms.

My Dad took the liberty to call me later in the night, exposing me to the sounds of merriment in my Grandmother's house making me incredibly homesick. But I digress.

Anyways, I went to a friends place, and we decided to dress up for the day. So we decided on wearing saris. Men, however do not understand that saris take a while to tie. I swear, the next time I hear a guy bitch about how long women take to get ready I am going to punch his nose flat. We have to do hair, makeup, tie the sari properly, pin it at the right places etc etc. It takes time. So while I was getting ready, there were 3 cars outside honking and yelling for us to 'speed it up'. Felt like Deepavali indeed.

I absolutely adored the walk to Federation square. Compliments from total strangers. Love it. Totally made my day. I exchanged a couple of 'Happy Diwali' wishes at the traffic signal and while crossing the street. I was in pretty high spirits by the time I reached Federation Square. [and here I wonder what kinda "high"] But nothing could prepare me for the sight at Fed Square. 3000+ Indians, jam packed in one parade. [we have 60,000 foreign workers thronging their hangouts each weekend babe]

My friends saw the crowd and were taken aback. Seriously, there were ambulances on the side, police EVERYWHERE. But, since we had taken the effort to get there, we decided to go ahead with it. It was like entering a battle zone. Everyone was pushing each other with absolutely no regard whatsoever. The thing is, nothing was happening. All I saw was people, people and more people. The stage was empty and the food stores were located in one corner. It would easily take me about an hour to get to the food and I wasn't going to risk ripping my saree.

So my friends and I stood. And waited. Finally some woman came on stage, yelled out a couple of 'Happy Diwali' greetings. I could tell that many of the men there were drinking and were determined to have fun no matter what. What a sight to behold. Desi men wrapped the Indian flag around and danced to no music. Oh, and some guy started banging on drums and half the crowd started jumping up and down. I was seriously worried that some kid might get trampled on.

Finally there was a performance, which was very energetic and the quite nice. That was the only thing that I enjoyed. After that there was classical music and speeches by non-indians, who made the crowd go mad when they dropped a couple of Hindi words here and there. Then the fireworks came on, and went on for about 25 mins. It was kinda drab at first, but it got better. The night ended with 20 sadars beating up 4 Aussie policemen.

As you can probably tell by now, the Fed Square event wasn't that great. It wasn't even good. It was a huge dissapointment. My friend said it was just a parade hired for one night so that every Indian in Melbourne can get together. Thank goodness for my super witty and sarcastic friends who made my night some what tolerable, at least I had a good laugh. The night ended with a dinner at an Indian restaurant, where I enjoyed the company more than the food.

All in all, I guess rather than the event or occasion it is the people around you that make festivities enjoyable. I never really appreciated family until I was without them. I hope everyone had an amazing Deepavali nonetheless. Cheerios!

Editor: Not quite the tale of booze, drugs and bush whacked bhangra but heck, as long you had a good one. This is the link to the event held: Diwali Parade at Fed Square. Damn early sleepers these Aussies. The opening ceremony was at 5:30 pm and the closing ceremony was at sundown. In the words of a Melbournian, that's "urmm..6-ish".

In reality of course, it ended at 9. Cos, no matter where in the world you wanna hold a Yindian event. It MUST end later than projected.

Photos from: Amanda Sim

Miss Vasantham - Question 10

Are we done? I suppose we are. By the time we got thru it all, we became lexiconists, thesaurians, and now we gotta go re-sit our O Level English. Thanks ladies. You've been a great help. Not!

Suppose you are crowned Miss Vasantham 2006 and you are offered a movie role in Kollywood, would you accept it and why?

Yuvaneswari

'I would reject the offer as it is definitely not relevant to my ambition. It could in fact be a hindrance to what I really want to be in life'

You know why. I hear your sniggers. What was her life mission again? "To provide a beauty service with a different touch".

Revathi

"Yes, I would. By being an ambassador for Vasantham Central, I find that it will be an excellent opportunity to showcase our local talents abroad, creating new career opportunities and maintaining a bilateral relationship with the cinema industry in India"

We now know you used to temp at Coffee Annan's office. Apart from fixing up his daily lattes, it's good that you picked up a few things on the way.

Kasturi

"I would prefer to be more exposed not just as Miss Vasantham nor an ordinary woman but an Charismatic Actress from Singapore "

This girl and her random capitalisations...*shakes head*.
[Editor: Oi! Don't ah. She chio. I like.]

Sasi Kala

"To gain a higher level of creativeness and personal touch in every kind of activity, a higher level of courage, to have a decrease in anxiety and to have a more original and less imitative approach in personal activities and endeavous and to venture into new areas in the media so I would accept and go for it"

You know in MS Word there is this shortcut key. You press Shift+F7 and voila! You get a helluva lotta synonyms you could just plug into a sentence without really having to think too much about it.

Barathi

'Yes, I would accept the offer if the character showcases my talents and skills'

So which bus did you get on from Cliche-ville to Caldecott?
[Editor: Didn't you hear? Caldecott got sold off by Mediacorp. Legend has it that the pain of no more being the Queen of Caldecott forced Zoe Tay into her "I swallow" advertisements.]

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Miss Vasantham - Question 9

Any personal life mission(s)?

S. Anita

My personal life mission would be to succeed in whatever I take up to do in my life. For now, I wish to do well in my teaching course which I have enrolled in MMI. This is my long time dream to work with children and to pass my knowledge of what I have learnt throughout my life as a kid and a teenager. This would be one of my success that I have achieved in life

So your personal life mission is to do....um....wait hang on...what?!? LIFE mission hon, not a "Dear Diary" entry.

Fazila

My personal mission would be to have no regrets in life and to live it to ones fullest potential.Furthermore not to sound cliché but I would really hope that all the miseries in the world will lessen and that people can just be happy and live their life’s

Ah yes. This beauty pageant would be incomplete without the 'world peace' answer.

Sasi Kala

My mission is a reflection of the true me

Do you need a dictionary to look up the meaning of 'mission' ?

Yuvaneshwari

"I have always wanted to be a beautician and my mission would be to provide a beauty service with a different touch"

I read this and truth be told the first thing that popped into my head was "She gonna be opening a massage parlour in Joo Chiat la"

Sonia

To make a mark in every field of life

That is one heck of a personal mission. Good luck.

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Miss Vasantham - Question 6

It goes without saying that to be in this competition these girls have to have a certain level of narcissism and street know-how in them.

How do you cope with wolf-whistles on the street?

The Reasonable Ones

Barathi

‘At least I have grabbed some attention’

Nishalani

‘I simply let in one ear and let it out the other and mentally compliment myself for looking good’

The Narcissistic Ones

Kasturi

“For sure, nobody will woo just an ordinary woman and of course, I take it as an appreciation of my stunning beauty”

Natasha

“I would turn a blind eye as I walk by because men are men after all, you can’t stop them from admiring a beauty”

The Confused Ones

Prasana

“Well, I’ll smile and walk away due to the fact beauty has to be admired by someone…courtesy is a way of life in Singaporean, I’m one of them”

We're Singaporean, we actually need a campaign to teach us how to be courteous.

Sonia

‘I would just consider that it was not meant for me and put a deaf ear to it, but if its made to be obvious, then I would just walk away’

The WTH? Ones

Fajariah

‘I wouldn’t exaggerate myself by taking off my slippers n aim it at those wolves because that may rise their anger up to an extent whereby revenge will take place. Instead, I will just take it as a compliment that I attracted their attention, panic and then get out of the scene fast’

Kovilpatti Veeralakshmi and her "seruppu pinjurom!". She is trying to show that she is strong, yet sensible, flattered, yet alarmed by these ‘wolves’.

Sasi Kala

I think if you listen to more of those wolf-whistles, they tend to become howling and so frankly speaking, I'll ignore them. I believe that human beings can verbally communicate rather than wolf-whistles

Either she was watching Van Helsing or Michael Jackson’s ‘Thriller’ video while answering this question.

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Miss Vasantham - Question 4

To you, who embodies the perfect woman and why?

Jamuna

‘Margaret Thatcher,[The Iron Lady] a daughter of a grocer and a dressmaker made the reveloution for womens indepenence, today’s women all around the world have made many revloutions of their own, but she was the first spark of it all, Great Britain's first woman prime minister.Dispite all this she was a loving wife to Denis Thatcher and a mother as well..she reached her best years in postion only after marraige.

So you know how to use Google…and copy stuff from Wikipedia.


Fajariah

‘To me, in order to categorise someone as a perfect woman, I have to know her too well till I can tell what colour shirt she’s wearing tomorrow.’

Wtf? I know what I am going to wearing tomorrow. So that makes me a perfect woman?

[Somehow somewhere in some corner of my mind, I sense THE GIRL has a vendetta against one of these two ladies]

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Miss Vasantham - Question 3

Tell us one thing about you that people are always surprised to learn about

S.Anita

‘The one thing about me that people are always surprised to learn about is the level of patience that I possess and there are no limitations to my patience as I have always being like that throughout my life. This is one thing people have always found me amazing in, as I would be patient at all circumstances that can come across my life’

All of that could have been said in one sentence. What a waste of my time. Next time, word limits should be introduced so that modern linguists such as her don't attempt marathon runs.

Indra

‘People are always surprised to learn that an ultra modern girl like me is very much interested and involved in traditional Indian Culture, that is Indian Classical Dance, Baratham’

I am so glad to learn that Indian Classical Dance encompasses all of Indian Culture.

Kalaivani

I am a chilli addict. Everything I taste has to be spicy. (only food)

I love the way she had to specify that she only likes food to be spicy. What else do you like chilli rubbed on love?

Yuvaneswari

‘I have many a times surprised people whenever I open my mouth to speak up for my rights’

When people are surprised when you open your mouth to speak, you need to hang out with different people. Or bad breath. Now which is it?

Natasha

‘People are surprised by the amount of love, care, and attention that I have to offer at hand’

Oh. My. God. You are not signing up for the Peace Corps woman. [I need some tender loving care, attention, aaargh..anything you can do la. My place, now!]

Fajariah

‘I am a deep dreamer..I dream about things all the time. Weird and crazy ones, even but I’ve always told myself this. To accomplish great things, we must not only act, but also dream. Not only plan, but also believe’

Are people surprised to learn this about you? Or are you surprised to learn this about yourself? Cos I would be. Kudos. [Ditto]

Barathi

‘People are always surprised to see me happy and cheerful no matter how sad and heartbroken I am. I would like to brighten up the atmosphere wherever I am. So that`s why people are always surprise about me and wants to be with me’

Passive aggression is never good for anyone hon. We have a good therapist you could get in touch with.

Kasturi

‘I'm creative and full of good ideas of combinations with fashion wear.For example, If I'm wearing a tube with my jeans with a luxury shawl in a toga style, It will be real stunning and It would make heads turn at you’

Ok, she amplifys her fashion knowledge. Yet, heads don't turn at HER, they turn at YOU. What are you doing wrong with your 'luxury shawl'?

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Miss Vasantham - Question 8

What do you look for in a career and why?

Fajariah:

“Interest, great working colleaques and a great salary. Interest in the jobscope makes you develop an attitude of always looking forward to go to work and never mind doing extra or a little more than what others may do. Who you are working with plays an important role as well to make you do your work with less stress, to lighten up yourself and to hug whenever you feel too stressed up because apparently studies in north carolina have proved that hugs relieve stress with the production of oxytoxin. great salary because above all, everybody wants to be well paid”

Translation: She liked the katti pudi vaithiam from Vasool Raja MBBS and is deluded enough to think people ACTUALLY do that in real life. Not in Singapore hon. Kena sexual harassment suit how? [You could do it in IMH though, this time just claim insanity as your defence]


Fazilla:

“Most importantly I for sure would look for a career that im keen in doing and that has to be in the media. Furthermore I do have a background in fashion which is also another industry that I have always dreamt of pursuing. Ultimately and only after im satisfied with the goals I have accomplished in my career is when I would like to become a homemaker. This is when I will be ready to take care of and spend more time with family, friends and children which I adore doing so much”

Does anyone else realize that she is not answering the damn question? There are times when you can't just flash that smile and hope no one realizes you have not THAT much between the ears.


Sathya:

A career which constantly assures me promotion and allowing me to upgrade my skills to make me a value added individual. It is important because it keeps me up to date with the 21st Century

Oh so only a career will keep you up to date with the 21st century aye? Living in the 21st century obviously doesn’t. You must be Amish.


Yuvaneswari:

The career I am looking for must encompass my dream, my passion and ultimately be soul satisfying. I believe whatever I do in my life must be out of love and not just for money. Only then can I excel and be happy in serving others. Money should come after me and not I go after it

I don’t think she realizes how wrong all that sounds. I know you are going for the pathini appeal, but it totally backfired.


Kasturi:

What i want in my career, are my definate satisfaction and non-stoppromotions. Which ever occupation that I'm engaged on, I want to be at the highest peak of position, sense my success and ability in the industry in which I'm working for. I love it when I'm upgrading myselfup higher and higher and this power has been with me ever since I've startto stay on with my work life

Oh my. We have an Indian Condoleeza Rice on our hands folks. Don’t worry girlfriend, once you go back to PAP kindergarten and relearn English, it’ll be machine gun promotion all the way to the bank!


Sasikala [KLKopykat 1]:

Definitely something that I'm interested in and not forgetting that it keeps me financially stable and motivated in learning new things. Career is something like marriage, its going to be a life long commitment which is a stepping stone to success

Prasana [KLKopykat 2]:

Definitely something that I’m interested in and that keeps me financially stable and motivated. Career is something like marriage, its going to be a life long commitment

Too funny. Would it hurt to be original? I had better copying skills when I was 7. At least I used my own words even while dribbling nasi lemak kuah all over my uniform.

miss vasantham, vasantham central
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Miss Vasantham - Question 5

The first workpiece of "The Girl" and I'm quite impressed by it too. Sharp tongue, caustic wit, and an attitude problem. You have come to the right place.

What is the biggest problem facing the Indian society today?

The Politically Incorrect

Jamuna: ‘The lack of love for the Tamil Langauge"

Let’s all gather around and love Tamil and smoke some ganja shall we. All our problems will vanish. We can start a revolution. The Tamil Hippies we will be. Our motto will be "Tamil is the ‘refresher to the soul". Not all Indians are Tamils by the way. [Editor's note: That's true. How dreadful my life would be without Mallu, Marati, Rajasthani, Punjabi and Hindustani chicks.]

Prasanna: ‘The teaching of Hinduism has always been interpreted wrongly’

Very wise. You are now in the running for sainthood. Which temple committee told you to say this?

Young PAP

Kasthuri: “The biggest problem facing the indian society is there are people whom are unable to speak mandarin...we should start analysing like what our Minister Mentor Mr Lee Kwan Yew emphasis that....It's time for them to divert their attention in mandarin...”

You know what is another problem Indians have? They hear snippets of information, add their own demented rational and try and sound like they are well-informed. It will also be a ‘great beneficial for all’ if you learn how to write in English properly.

Social Worker

Natasha: “The problem facing the Singapore Indians today....they are not aware of the number of help programmes run by the government..All they need to do is to approach their MP (Member of Parliament), CDC (Community Development Councils) or even the Social Workers of SINDA (Singapore Indian Development Association)”

She is SO getting paid to say all that. Or, she was fired from one of those places and wants her job back.

Holier-than-thou

Anita: ‘Our younger generation is not following the trend of our older generation. They are getting influenced by friends’

Our younger generation also includes 21 yr olds. You sound like my Civics and Moral Ed text book. And if I were to follow the trend of my older generation, I would have borne 3 children to my 50 year old husband by now.

Sonia: ‘...young generation are losing our traditions and cultures by trying to get more westernized as days go by’

I know...how sad. The shop keepers at Tekka feel the same way too.

The Gloria Steinems’
[Editor's note: Gloria Steinem is THE feminist extraodinaire. Read about here HERE.]

Jayanthi: ‘Typifying this problem would be how divorced Indian women are often faced with stigma in societal conventions that bend in favour of the Indian men’

Revathi: ‘...if a woman is very sociable with the opposite gender, they are not hesitant to label her as having a loose character. I find this appalling and feel that this should be changed and people should think at their own feet and do what is best for them’

Somewhere somehow the Biology teacher got it all wrong by placing the medulla oblangata down at the henna painted feet of this girl. C’mon people, lets think ‘at our own feet’ to eradicate this problem.

miss vasantham, vasantham central
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